HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

Kim Kardashian Finally Loses. To The iPhone.

And to think: You've already done so much for us.

When human civilization as we know it is excavated in a few thousand years by aliens or Transformers or hyper-evolved talking cookies or whatever, they’re going to eventually find proof of Kim Kardashian, and ask themselves what will eventually manifest itself as the question crucial to understanding the core of our time in this universe: “Really?” Until then, she’s here, and she’s always winning. She’s beating us all. Anybody so painfully, utterly talentless who can continually produce massive profits off of a legal, seamless exploitation of society’s worst impulses is winning. If she IPO’d, I’d put my life’s savings on margin to invest in KIMK. This is just how it is.

Thankfully, December has brought us a bright spot in the otherwise murky cesspool of Western Society that involves her: Read More