(Photo: Harvard.edu)

Zappos' Tony Hsieh is using his empire to help revitalize downtown Las Vegas. "I first thought I would buy a piece of land and build our own Disneyland." [New York Times]

Sources say the SEC's probe into Facebook's IPO has found no evidence that the company withheld information from investors. Good news for those seeking relief for the stock dive in civil court: Whether retail investors were led astray by misleading info from brokers still remains to be seen. [Bloomberg]

BuzzFeed is opening a Los Angeles bureau; prepare for a lot more celebrity photo lists. [BuzzFeed]

Internet service providers like Verizon and Time Warner have launched the Copyright Alert System, a new warning feature that will send notes to customers they've found are pirating content. Users who ignore these messages could even have their connections throttled, because ISPs will pretend to care about piracy if it gives them an excuse not to pay for bandwidth. [CNN]

Shopping for glitzy gowns just got a lot easier. On Friday, Rent the Runway introduced a new feature that replaces models with everyday women, "allowing visitors to search for women of a certain age, height, weight and even bust size, to see how that dress looks on someone similar."  [New York Times]

The cast of How to Marry a Millionaire admires the Times' brass. (Wikimedia Commons)

The old Grey Lady sure has outdone herself. Today the New York Times treated us to "Bachelorville's Big Fish," about the Valley's population of wealthy, eligible bachelors who, it is universally acknowledged, must be in want of a wife. Even better: It's complete with a slideshow by the oh-my-God-are-you-serious name of "Dating Profiles of High-Tech, High-Worth Bachelors." We're sure that many of these gentlemen are lovely, but really?

Rather than get our knickers in a twist re: gold-digging and its inherent objectionability, we've decided to take a different tack and respond to each "dating profile" with a popular song. To wit: 

Ben Rattray, cofounder and CEO, Change.org

"At 31, Mr. Rattray still drives a 1996 Toyota Camry and shares a cramped Noe Valley apartment in San Francisco with three college buddies."

That is a man who is hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at me. And to that we say, "No Scrubs," by TLC.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqtRrMKBdho

Larry Ellison, CEO, Oracle

"At 67, Mr. Ellison might not fit everyone’s definition of 'eligible.'"

He probably thinks this entire slideshow is about him. Ergo: "You're So Vain," by Carly Simon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQZmCJUSC6g

Tony Hsieh, CEO, Zappos.com

"'I don’t use the term "dating," ' he explained in a recent e-mail. 'My current philosophy is to not look at things as black and white,' he said, 'but instead to just enjoy hanging out with different people.'"

This is definitely someone that you will tell, as you break up with him, that if he liked it, then he should have put a ring on it. "Single Ladies," by Ms. Beyonce Knowles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY

Salar Kamangar, SVP, YouTube 

"When a network dating show recently approached Mr. Kamangar to appear as a contestant, it didn’t get far. Mr. Kamangar is as private as he is eligible."

You know, shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing things in life you like to. "Ask," by the Smiths.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N_Dwpkzmuw

Matt Cohler, Facebook employee No. 7 and general partner at Benchmark Capital

"Last year, he and his longtime girlfriend broke up, and he now finds himself looking for company in the brownstone that he recently bought in downtown Manhattan, which he has decorated with works by Richard Avedon and Vienna Secession-period furniture."

Sounds like someone could use a little more time, and no one wants to be a rebound gal. Also: he apparently turned to tech when he "struck out trying to make it as a saxophonist." So we're going to go with one of our pop favorites, "Careless Whisper," by George Michael.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ&ob=av2n

Pete Cashmore, CEO, Mashable

 "An anonymous Twitter account called @hotpetecashmore is dotted with tweets like 'Am I the only one feeling hot, hot, hot tonight? — Pete.'"

Given that we cannot possibly argue with Mr. Cashmore's good looks, we'll just go ahead and tip our hat. "Hot Hot Hot," Buster Poindexter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrhf_zgtmAg

Matt Mullenweg, founder, WordPress and Automattic

"Still only 28, the boyish blond with the snowboarder stubble [Wordpress founder Matt Mullenweg] is now worth an estimated $40 million."

We're feeling it, Mr. Mullenweg. "Is This Love," by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Only until the next time our CMS does something wacky, though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EztmEF24fdo

Jack Dorsey, cofounder, Twitter and Square

“I’ve learned a lot from ballet,” he was quoted as saying. “I appreciate the coordination and the discipline. Making something simple is very difficult.”

As much as that man works, he'll need a time machine to carve out the proper space for a relationship. "Dancing with Myself," by Billy Idol. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG1NrQYXjLU

And last but certainly not least:

Aaron Levie, cofounder, Box

"Last September, [Box cofounder Aaron Levie] played ringmaster at the company’s first conference, BoxWorks, showing up in orange sneakers and firing up a crowd of hundreds with motivational pronouncements before handing out free Motorola XOOM tablets for everyone, Oprah-style, and giving over the stage to Third Eye Blind."

We wish the New York Times had stepped back from this particular ledge, and we want something else. Our ruling: "Semi-Charmed Life," Third Eye Blind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWX_p2GgHzY

Mr. Hsieh/Mr. Wiggles

Earlier this month, Meetup CEO Scott Heiferman announced the newest member of the Meetup cap table: Zappos front man Tony Hsieh. "indeed, tony (zappos ceo) bought out one of our shareholders," Mr. Heiferman wrote in a company-wide email.

"i'm thrilled--because tony is a true hero of great companies, cultures, customer experience, community and it can't hurt to have another hsieh around," he added, referring presumably to Richard Hsieh, Meetup's lead software engineer here in New York.

Mr. Heiferman didn't specify which shareholder was bought out. Previous investors include Draper Fisher Jurvetson, Omidyar Network, eBay, and Union Square Ventures. In February, cofounder Matt Meeker left to launch BarkBox, a Birchbox for dogs. Mr. Heiferman said that Mr. Hsieh's motivation was two-fold:

tony bought a piece of meetup because he believes in our potential --both meme & money: he wants us to revolutionize community for people-- and i think he wants a cut of the profit as we keep growing over the long-haul (or whatever way that all of our stock/options pay out)

Based on the growth in new members, things are definitely looking up-and-to-the-right, as they say.

As for Mr. Hsieh, this isn't his first run-in with the company.  Back in 2009, he introduced staffers to a scooter-racing alter-ego known as Mr. Wiggles (at about 1.50):