Even Tim Cook can't believe this shit.

Tim Cook and other Apple representatives are on Capital Hill today, answering questions about why the company doesn't pay any more taxes here in the U.S. of A. Senator Carl Levin is currently waving around his iPhone and grilling the lot of them about their Irish subsidiaries.

However, crotchety old John McCain wanted some answers on another matter while he had Mr. Cook's attention: "Why the hell" does he have to keep updating the apps on his iPhone?

Bill Gates might want to steer clear of D.C., in case Senator McCain decides he needs an explanation for why Microsoft Office doesn't include the funny little talking paperclip any more.

Video from Talking Points Memo:

She's laughing at you, fandom. LAUGHING AT YOU.

"The inevitable next step is for Kim Kardashian to sit on the board of a tech start-up, host a global-poverty-awareness event and write a book on behavioral neuroscience." [New York Times]

The tax man's hanging round Apple's door, and now Tim Cook is due to appear before Congress on the matter. [Telegraph]

For her science fair project, this teenaged girl invented a supercapacitor that could maybe, with further development, charge your electronics lightening fast. Everyone's now feeling pretty bad about their baking soda volcano, huh? [Jezebel]

Matt Mullenweg says that talk of Yahoo buying Tumblr sent Wordpress imports from Tumblr skyrocketing, from 400-600 posts per hour to 72,000 on Sunday. Of course, that could've just been one really dedicated porn reblogger. [AllThingsD]

Tumblr users are having a collective meltdown to rival The China Syndrome (only onetime Yahoo users are old enough to get that joke). [Buzzfeed]

(Photo: Let's Unlock iPhone)

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman is worried about our state's significant uptick in phone thefts, but that's really more Tim Cook's problem. Bloomberg reports that Mr. Schneiderman has penned a letter to tech giants like Google and Apple asking them why, if you guys are capable of making face computers and cars that drive themselves, can't you make phones unstealable?

“I seek to understand why companies that can develop sophisticated handheld electronics, such as the products manufactured by Apple, cannot also create technology to render stolen devices inoperable and thereby eliminate the expanding black market on which they are sold,” Mr. Schneiderman wrote in an open letter to Apple CEO Tim Cook. In other words: we can put a man on the moon and I still have to deal with this shit?

Mr. Schneiderman also emphasized that it would be a shame if companies like Apple were profiting off of selling replacement devices when they could easily take steps to minimize phone theft.

Mr. Cook reportedly responded by shoving his hands into his pockets and innocently whistling while drifting away.

(Photo: CharityBuzz)

Look, Apple CEO Tim Cook is a busy guy. He does lots of important stuff, like announcing that there will be announcements in the future. His time is worth a lot. So CharityBuzz, an online charity auction, is hosting a very generous offer from Mr. Cook: people--rich people, specifically--can bid to have coffee with him at Apple headquarters. The "estimated value" of this presumably hour-long (tops!) outing? $50,000, which is just $2,762 dollars shy of the U.S.'s median household income.

So: pay for a year of your kid's college tuition, or grab a cup of joe with a guy who will pointedly ask you, "So, am I doing as well as Steve? You can be honest."

To be fair, it is for charity. So if you can afford it, pony up! There are already 30 bids, the most recent one topping out at $62,777.

(Photo: Technabob)

Every spring during the Qingming Festival, people in China honor their ancestors by cleaning and repairing their tombstones. Offerings are also made to the dead, typically consisting of food and drink, but because Chinese culture dictates that deceased relatives will need money and other material goods in the after life, many will also burn fake money or paper replicas of homes and cars as offerings.

Now, NBC News reports that a new material good has been deemed essential enough to offer to Chinese ancestors: Apple products.

During this year's Qingming Festival, fake Apple products made out of paper and cardboard were one of the biggest hits. One man, who makes cardboard replicas of luxury products like cars and houses, added Apple goods to his repertoire this year and said they were a hot ticket item. For just $7, you can offer your ancestors a Mac, an iPhone and an iPad, but if you want an iPhone 5, you have to pay an extra 50 cents.

NBC News notes that the uptick in fake Apple products being offered to deceased Chinese relatives indicates a societal shift in what's considered an important luxury item. Guess this means China has accepted Tim Cook's apology.

WWDC. (Photo: flickr.com/deerkoski)

It seems Apple's implacable customer service department finally met its match, in the form of China's state-run media.

The Wall Street Journal reports that, for the last two weeks, prominent media outlets China Central Television and The People's Daily have subjected Apple to a  campaign of criticism about the way it treats its Chinese customers, including numerous editorials and a prime-time special which "offered examples of the company's resellers failing to honor warranties appropriately." Broadcasters harped on unfair warranty policies, in particular. In response, Tim Cook has now issued the second personal apology of his tenure.

In a letter on the company's Chinese site, he wrote:

"We are aware that a lack of communications…led to the perception Apple's attitude was arrogant and that we do not care and attach importance to consumer feedback. We express our sincere apologies for any concerns or misunderstandings this gave consumers."

He promised a review of the company's warranty policy.

Good thing there's a statute of limitations on apologies for every time Steve Jobs was a dick to someone.

Guys? Okay, guys? (Photo: News.au)

Today was Apple's annual shareholder meeting, an occasion for CEO Tim Cook to spend some time kicking it with the folks who own their own little slices of the company. AllThingsD reports that, as you might expect, the subject of the company's drooping stock (malingering at $449.13, far from last fall's great heights) was broached. And no, Tim Cook (who apparently has a 99.1.% approval rate from shareholders) isn't totally pleased with it.

According to AllThingsD, he told the audience:

“I don’t like it either,” he told attendees at Apple’s annual shareholder meeting today. “The board doesn’t like it. The management team doesn’t like it.”

Cook urged patience, saying that if the company continues to focus on making great products, revenue and profit will follow. “What we are focused on is the long term; this has always been the secret of Apple,” he said, adding that the company has “some great stuff” in the pipeline.

Otherwise, sounds like Apple saves most of the entertainment value for those endless tent-revival press conferences: "As far as corporate theater goes, Apple's (AAPL) annual shareholder meeting Wednesday was ZZZZZZZZ," said the San Jose Mercury News.

Well it can't all be iWatches and Apple TVs, guys.

(GIF: Twitter/Bizweekgraphics)

Despite Anonymous' worst intentions, the State of the Union went off without a hitch last night--save for reducing the state of political discourse to water gulping memes. Every generation gets the joyless Twitter account it deserves, we suppose.

President Obama has relied heavily on technological innovation to get him reelected, and is fond of citing the industry as a potential source of economic growth. But this is the first SOTU where tech got real air time at the podium. Chances are that will only increase.

Here’s hoping, next time around, the tech bubble won’t be invoked in the same grim paragraph as the housing market.

What's more, certain sections of the speech read like chapters from Eric Schmidt's upcoming book The New Digital Age, which also tries to make predictions about the pervasiveness of technology and how that plays into the future of terrorism and cyber-warfare. Speaking of, you know what $2.51 billion in Google stock could buy you? A whole mess of campaign advertising. Hmmmm.

MAC MANUFACTURING

Apple CEO Tim Cook got a seat in Michelle Obama's viewing box last night--apparently so that the camera could pan up to his awkward-smize when President Obama said, "And this year, Apple will start making Macs in America again."

Less Foxconn guilt sounds great, right? Not so fast. Estimates show that Apple's Mac production would only add about 200 jobs.

A MAKERBOT IN EVERY POT

In the same tear about increasing manufacturing, President Obama dropped the mic on 3D printing and his proposal to launch a network of tech hubs:

"There are things we can do, right now, to accelerate this trend.  Last year, we created our first manufacturing innovation institute in Youngstown, Ohio.  A once-shuttered warehouse is now a state-of-the art lab where new workers are mastering the 3D printing that has the potential to revolutionize the way we make almost everything.  There’s no reason this can’t happen in other towns.  So tonight, I’m announcing the launch of three more of these manufacturing hubs, where businesses will partner with the Departments of Defense and Energy to turn regions left behind by globalization into global centers of high-tech jobs.  And I ask this Congress to help create a network of fifteen of these hubs and guarantee that the next revolution in manufacturing is Made in America."

As to be expected, the rhetoric around the concept was vague and it's unclear how the DOD and DOE would employ the technology. We'll just keep on the lookout for drone components at Shapeways until someone clues us in.

"SPACE RACE TO THE BRAIN"

Don't think POTUS forgot about you, biotech! The next space race, he enthused, will happen in our minds:

"If we want to make the best products, we also have to invest in the best ideas.  Every dollar we invested to map the human genome returned $140 to our economy.  Today, our scientists are mapping the human brain to unlock the answers to Alzheimer’s; developing drugs to regenerate damaged organs; devising new material to make batteries ten times more powerful.  Now is not the time to gut these job-creating investments in science and innovation.  Now is the time to reach a level of research and development not seen since the height of the Space Race."

Good time to start raising funds for that biotech sector, New York.

HIGH TECH HIGH SCHOOLS

The importance STEM education also got a shout out last night, with a nod to New York City in particular. But rather than Union Square's Software and Engineering Academy, the President pointed to P-Tech in Brooklyn, another quasi public-private partnership:

"Let’s also make sure that a high school diploma puts our kids on a path to a good job.  Right now, countries like Germany focus on graduating their high school students with the equivalent of a technical degree from one of our community colleges, so that they’re ready for a job.  At schools like P-Tech in Brooklyn, a collaboration between New York Public Schools, the City University of New York, and IBM, students will graduate with a high school diploma and an associate degree in computers or engineering."

CYBER SPECTRE 

Before the speech, reporters were briefed on the President's new executive order on cybersecurity. He led into that last night by delineating potential threats. Naturally, the word Stuxnet did not pass his lips:

"America must also face the rapidly growing threat from cyber-attacks.  We know hackers steal people’s identities and infiltrate private e-mail.  We know foreign countries and companies swipe our corporate secrets.  Now our enemies are also seeking the ability to sabotage our power grid, our financial institutions, and our air traffic control systems.  We cannot look back years from now and wonder why we did nothing in the face of real threats to our security and our economy."

(For the full text of last night's speech as delivered, head over to The American Prospect. For SOTU Vines--yes, Vines--head over to RebelMouse.)

You've got lots of company in your obsession. (Photo: Melinda Sue Gordon/Netflix)

Netflix says "House of Cards" is its most-watched program ever, but refuses to pony up any numbers whatsoever: "I honestly have no motivation" to give them out, the company's chief content officer told attendees at the D: Dive into Media conference. [AllThingsD]

Apple reportedly has a team of around a hundred developing the company's own Dick Tracy watch this very minute. [Bloomberg]

This could be awkward for Tim Cook, who's on the board of Nike, home of the Fuelband. [Business Insider]

Meanwhile, Google is laughing all the way to the bank: The company could reportedly make $5 billion on ads viewed on tablet devices last year. [Wall Street Journal]

Twitter and American Express announced a plan to turn the microblogging service into an ecommerce platform: Details are vague, but it sounds like the partnership will allow users to link their Amex to their Twitter feeds, than make a purchase by posting a message. What will you buy with your subtweets? [WSJ]

We guess Michelle Obama won't be buying a Surface Pro anytime soon. Apple CEO Tim Cook will be a guest of the FLOTUS during President Barack Obama's State of the Union address this evening. Last year, Steve Jobs' widow Laurene Powell Jobs joined Ms. Obama for the State of the Union. [Mercury News]

The residential real estate website Trulia crunched some numbers ahead of Valentine's Day. If you're looking for a man, try Las Vegas, Honolulu, Palm Bay, Florida, San Jose or Gary, Indiana; if you want the highest percentages of women living alone, try Bethesda, Maryland, Washington, D.C., Boston, New York or Raleigh, North Carolina. [NYT]

What do you get a tech billionaire for his birthday? Books, apparently. But of the electronic or dead tree variety? [Business Insider]