Maybe tone it down just a tad.

Looks like we've got a real barn-burner on our hands!

For months, hedge funder Chris Hansen and Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer have worked to relocate the Sacramento Kings to Seattle, which has been NBA-less for five years. Their plan: to make the owners, the Maloofs, an offer they can't refuse.  But the mayor of Sacramento--who happens to be former NBA star Kevin Johnson--doesn't want the team going anywhere. He's rounded up rival techies who might buy from the Maloofs and prepared a big bushel of subsidies for them. Last month, the league rejected the Seattle group's request to move the team.

And so here we are, at loggerheads and due for another NBA meeting today. But Steve Ballmer doesn't do gridlock. A source tells NBC Sports:

“He’s on a rampage,” said one source. “He assumed he could backdoor Sacramento with a willing partner in the Maloofs, but he underestimated Sacramento and now he thinks he can twist enough arms around the league to force his way into the association.”

Unfortunately, that approach is not making Mr. Ballmer any friends in the NBA:

According to league sources speaking to PBT under condition of anonymity, the recent power plays made by Seattle and the Maloof family have “started to weigh on the NBA to the point where any Ballmer-led proposal now or in the future could fall on deaf ears if he doesn’t change course.”

Another source is even more blunt: “Ballmer is playing a game of Russian Roulette with SEA’s NBA future. He can’t throw money at the problem like this is Microsoft.”

But how can you blame the man, when he sees his future as an NBA cheerleader slipping from his grasp?

(Photo: Giant Bomb)

Sad news out of the Pacific Northwest today: Geekwire reports that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer almost had his beautiful vacation home destroyed by a rampant mudslide. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

The house, situated on Whidbey Island off the coast of Washington, narrowly avoided being ravaged by the mudslide, which damaged one home and prompted evacuation of the entire neighborhood. Luckily, no one was injured.

Geekwire also notes Mr. Ballmer's yard played a role in a dramatic rescue. Workers had to drive over it in an ATV in order to save a man stranded by roads taken out by the mudslide.

He's basically a hero now. Proud of you, Steve-o.

We're rooting for you, Steve-o.

Curses! Steve Ballmer and his fellow investors have almost closed a deal to bring NBA basketball back to Seattle, a city that's been bereft since the Sonics were sold. The group has already cut a deal with the current owners of the Sacramento Kings to purchase a controlling interest in the team. The only hurdle left is securing the NBA's approval.

That means the tech world is so, so close to an endless supply of court-side Ballmer GIFs. Just imagine! 

But now, it seems there's a challenge from techies to the south. Geekwire reports that a coalition has formed to keep the team in California, and it includes two Silicon Valley types: Qualcomm CEO Paul Jacobs and TIBCO CEO Vivek Ranadive. Ron Burkle and 24 Hour Fitness founder Mark Mastrov are also involved.

The two competing cabals meet with the NBA on April 3, where each will get a chance to present their case.

These guys know that Ballmer starts hurling chairs and shouting obscenities when he doesn't get his way, right?

(Photo: Screencap)

We just realized something: He doesn't have the same ease with a zinger, but at this point in the history of Microsoft, Bill Gates is basically the company's Dowager Countess.

Think about it. As chairman, he's long since removed himself from the day-to-day running of the estate, preferring to focus full-time on his philanthropic projects. But like the grand Lady Grantham, he's still kicking around, keeping one eye on how his successor is faring and forming his own opinion on the troubling remodel of the guest bedrooms, not that you asked (which you should have).

Hence, this exchange with Charlie Rose, during a recent interview with CBS News:

Charlie Rose: "Are you happy with [current CEO Steve Ballmer's] performance?"

Bill Gates: "Well, he and I are two of the most self-critical people you can imagine."

After rattling off a couple examples of what he considers recent successes (Bing and the Surface, if you're wondering), Mr. Gates concluded: "He and I are not satisfied that in terms of, you know, breakthrough things, that we're doing everything possible."

Also, that new carpet in the foyer is just ghastly, and didn't he recommend you hire the other footman?

LOL, 100 million users. (Photo: Wikimedia)

While everyone's busy at the BlackBerry presser (Alicia Keys? Really?), Microsoft also has a big release today: Office 2013. In honor of the occasion, CEO Steve Ballmer sat down with Bloomberg Businessweek for a brief Q&A. Inquiring minds want to know: How's the old workhorse supposed to avoid the glue factory when any modernization has to be balanced with the needs of a billion customers?

As Bloomberg Businessweek puts it, "partly as a result of this, Microsoft is coming to the cloud late and now going up against a company like Dropbox that already has 100 million users." So what does Mr. Ballmer think of that?

Well, you’ve got to remember, 100 million sounds like a pretty small number to me, actually. We’ve got a lot more Office users. And actually if you even want to go to the cloud, we have a lot of Hotmail and SkyDrive users. I’m not beating on Dropbox. They’re a fine little startup and that’s great.

He's also pretty sure Microsoft can grow the Office user base to be greater than a billion people: "That’s sort of the miracle of economic development, isn’t it?"

Last time we checked, miracles weren't the best business plan.

Y'all don't know me.

Ever since news broke that Microsoft CEO Steve "Sweaty" Ballmer is part of an investment group working on buying Seattle its very own NBA team, the high profile tech company has been forced to fend off angry Sacramento Kings fans who blame it for the loss of their beloved franchise.

Mr. Ballmer and his co-investors want desperately to buy the Kings and convert them into the Seattle Sonics, because even with all the rain, Seattle is still less depressing than Sacramento. Though Mr. Ballmer has not yet convinced his fellow investors to name the team the Ballmer Ballers, Kings fans are still directing their ire at Microsoft, which they believe has some sort of say in the deal.

In fact, Sacramento was so angry about losing their basketball team that a local politician wrote a letter blasting Mr. Ballmer's decision to rob the state of a profitable, job-creating franchise. Now, according to Geekwire, Microsoft has been forced to issue its own statement pointing out that hey, actually Mr. Ballmer is doing this one all on his own.

"The effort to build a new professional sports arena in Seattle was initiated and is led by San Francisco-based developer, Chris Hansen, who has announced a number of investors, including Steve Ballmer," reads the statement. "Microsoft Corporation is not involved in the effort."

The company added, "Na na na na na."

(Original photo: Wikipedia)

Gather 'round, children, for it is time to hear a tale of a kingdom riven by strife and mired in woe.  Our story opens on the proud capital city known as the Microsoft Redmond Campus, nestled amid the volcanic mountains of Washington.

In his modestly appointed chambers, the aging king is lonely. He has many fine troubadours and jousters to entertain him--but could one of his noblemen be conspiring to overthrow him? Better to dispatch the problem now, by dispatching the possible insurgent.

This is the mental image we can't help but form after reading this Reuthers interview with Joachim Kempin, a former Microsoft exec who's now written a tell-all with the clunky title of Resolve and Fortitude:  Microsoft's "SECRET POWER BROKER" Breaks His Silence.

Mr. Kempin worked at the company from 1983 to 2002, and it does not sound like he is a fan of Mr. Ballmer. In fact, he accuses the CEO of driving out anyone who could possibly challenge his position on the throne of swords. "For Microsoft to really get back in the game seriously, you need a big change in management," he told Reuters.

"I respect that guy (Ballmer), but there are some limitations in what he can and can't do and maybe he hasn't realized them himself," he added.

You mean noted chair-thrower Steve Ballmer might not be the best of managers? We're shocked.

As an example of the machinations at work, Mr. Kempin cites several abrupt departures, including Richard Belluzzo, who bailed as COO within 14 months:

"He (Belluzzo) had no room to breathe on the top. When you work that directly with Ballmer and Ballmer believes 'maybe this guy could someday take over from me', my God, you will have less air to breathe, that's what it comes down to."

Of course, complaints from a former employee always warrant a great big barrel of skepticism. And it's not like Mr. Kempin's record is entirely clean, either. Reuters says he left "under a cloud," after some of the deals he cut while overseeing the sale of Windows software to PC makers didn't help the company's antitrust case.

But it's not like it's a surprise that there could be vicious palace politics at play in the halls of Microsoft, either. In August, for example, Vanity Fair published a juicy expose detailing how the company's system of "stack ranking" encourages infighting. In short, even if you've got a team of top performers, someone in the group is getting low marks, which isn't the kind of thing that fosters teamwork.

Hey, we know who to ask about this. Anyone got a working email for Steve Sinofsky?

Yeehaw! (GIF by Chris Kennedy)

Looks like Steve Ballmer and several other basketball-loving local investors led by Chris Hansen are going to get their wish, in the form of an NBA team they can relocate to Seattle. ESPN is reporting that the Sacramento Kings' current owners have agreed to sell, and NBA sources tell Yahoo Sports they'll approve the relocation.

In honor of the increasingly likely return of the NBA to Seattle courtesy of Mr. Ballmer and his fellow investors, we bring you this year-old video of the man himself playing basketball against some kids, because why not?

Here's to many future photos of Steve-o posing with comically tall athletes grudgingly humoring their bumbling corporate overlord.

(h/t Geekwire)

There's shit in them hills.

Have we told you how mind-numbingly excited Betabeat is for HBO's forthcoming comedy, Silicon Valley? That the network's inspired decision to hire the creators of Beavis and Butthead to write a TV show about startups thrust us into a fit of giggling anticipation?

So, now we have. And we're happy to report that reading snippets of the script for the show's pilot episode has only served to increase our high hopes.

According to Quartz, the opening credits begin like so: "We see shot after shot of things that pass for exciting in Silicon Valley," including the "shit brown colored hills of Mountainview," "Steve Ballmer ranting on stage," and "Elon Musk with a Rocket."

There is a character named Peter Gregory, who is a venture capitalist and apparently a dead giveaway for Peter Thiel.

And there is the plot, which goes a little something like this:

"... six programmers are living together in East Palo Alto, each working on software they hope will make them rich, from a system for policing music copyrights to an app that 'gives you the location of a woman with erect nipples.'"

It's just about exactly how we'd write it. Only in our telling, the staff of Betabeat gets hired to write the second season.