Mr. Haag. (Photo: Wikipedia)

Naturally, it's the moment that everyone decamps for SXSW that scandal breaks. Fortune reports that the San Francisco venture firm CMEA Capital and former chief operating partner John Haag have been slapped with allegations of sexual harassment, racial harassment and retaliation by a trio of executive assistants.

Ellen Pao's gender discrimination lawsuit against Kleiner Perkins came as a shock largely because the prestigious firm has long had a good-guy reputation. This lawsuit, on the other hand, is jaw-dropping for its volume of allegations that are just disgusting. It reads like House of Cards meets Van Wilder. If even a handful of these claims are true, it's enough to obliterate all our Lean In-inspired optimism.

The complaint alleges that Mr. Haag regularly said things that were "sexually and racially inappropriate" and that off-color remarks and jokes were "a common and tolerated part of the work environment." The plaintiffs also claim that when they went to management with their complaints, an outside investigation backed them up and Mr. Haag was shown the door. But yet, the accusers say, they've still faced retaliation.

Fortune reports:

The three plaintiffs -- Dawn-Shemain Weeks, Margaret Hines and Shannon Schlagenhauf -- tell of a hostile work environment and detail 35 different alleged examples of inappropriate sexual comments and advances. Some of the examples are shockingly lurid, and far more explicit than what is normally found in a Silicon Valley harassment lawsuit.

If anything, "shockingly lurid" doesn't do it justice. The complaint is filled with allegations of shenanigans that would make Don Draper blush.

Some of the low-lights:

On one occasion Plaintiff Schlagenhauf walked into Defendant Haag's office. Defendant Haag asked her to come around to his side of the desk to help him out with something. Defendant Haag was sitting in the chair with his legs spread open and his crotch thrust out. Defendant Haag maneuvered himself in such a way so as to restrict Plaintiff Schlagenhauf's movement away from him or to his exit his office.

Then there's this tidbit sure to many any woman clutch her laundry basket protectively:

During the drive, Defendant Haag mentioned that he had two female tenants. Defendant Haag then told Plaintiff that the female tenants sometimes leave their underwear in the dryer and that Defendant Haag liked to "sniff it."

There's also this bit of locker room banter:

On one occasion Plaintiff Hines was answering a question by Defendant Haag stating that she had not eaten and needed some protein and commenced to eat a piece of string-cheese. defendant Haag commented, "You don't get enough protein at home?" and then used his tongue and hand to simulate oral-sex.

Just for good measure:

On another occasion, Defendant Haag asked the female Investor Relations employee whether they were aware that porn-stars bleach their anuses in order to make them more attractive.

This goes on for pages and pages, each anecdote more revolting than the last. Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to wash our hands.

We've reached out to CMEA Capital and Mr. Haag for comment and will update if we hear anything back.

(Update, 5:48 p.m.) Mr. Haag's attorney responded on his behalf:

John Haag cannot comment on this matter as it is in active litigation other than to say he looks forward to the truth coming out in the course of this lawsuit. He is prepared to defend himself vigorously and trusts the justice system will thoroughly vindicate him.

Mr. Rabois (Photo: Twitter)

Earlier today, news broke that Square's COO, Keith Rabois, had left the company. It was a strangely-timed departure, considering Square recently raised $200 million in a Series D. Now, the Wall Street Journal has broken the news that Mr. Rabois is embroiled in a sexual harassment claim from a fellow Square employee, and resigned so that the allegations would “not cause a distraction for the company.”

Steven Berger, the New York attorney representing the unnamed employee, said that Square had failed to take appropriate actions after the employee claimed he was being sexually harassed. Mr. Rabois told the Journal, "I'm completely confident that all the facts will come out and I will be vindicated."

In a post published to his Tumblr, Mr. Rabois offered his version of events. According to the post, he met the unnamed employee through a mutual friend, and their friendship quickly blossomed into a romance. Mr. Rabois says the employee began working at Square several months after they began dating, following his recommendation to hire.

Writes Mr. Rabois:

Last week, a New York-based attorney threatened Square and myself with a lawsuit. I am told this lawsuit would allege that the relationship was not consensual, and would go on to accuse me of some pretty horrible things. I was told that only a payment of millions of dollars will make this go away, and that my career, my reputation, and my livelihood will be threatened if Square and I don’t pay up.

I realize that continuing any physical relationship after he began working at Square was poor judgment on my part. But let me be unequivocal with the facts: (1) The relationship was welcome. (2) Square did not know of the relationship before a lawsuit was threatened; it came as a complete surprise to the company. (3) He never received nor was denied any reward or benefits based on our relationship. And (4), I did not do the horrendous things I am told I may be accused of. While I have certainly made mistakes, this threat feels like a shakedown, and I will defend myself to the full extent of the law.

Mr. Rabois is a member of the storied PayPal mafia, having worked at both PayPal and LinkedIn prior to Square. Mr. Rabois' active Twitter account yesterday betrayed no signs that anything was amiss. He thanking several followers for congratulating him on moving on from Square.

"I deeply regret that I let my personal and professional lives to become intertwined," Mr. Rabois wrote on his Tumblr. "I apologize to my colleagues and friends (at Square and elsewhere) who I’ve let down, and who will bear the brunt of some of the unnecessary, negative attention this situation will likely bring."

Update (5:26 p.m.): Gawker's Adrian Chen points out on Twitter that as a first-year law student at Stanford in the early-1990s, Mr. Rabois was involved in an incident in which Mr. Rabois and two other students "shouted homophobic slurs in the direction of a lecturer's home." A New Yorker profile on PayPal founder Peter Thiel, who met Mr. Rabois at Stanford, described the incident as a law student's attempt to test the limits of the First Amendment.