(Photo: Dragon Painting)

The Huffington Post and YouGov collaborated on a very important poll of 1,000 U.S. adults meant to measure the attitudes of Americans towards robots. The results are pretty typical, except for one thing: turns out Americans aren't really that into doing robots (or they're lying).

Come on guys, live a little.

HuffPo writes:

58 percent of Americans said that robots will be cleaning our homes by 2030. But only 33 percent said that they'd like a robot servant.... (22 percent) said that they would let a robot care for an aging friend or relative....Forty-eight percent of respondents indicated that they believed robots will be able to fight in the military by 2030.

But when it comes to intimacy, Lieutenant Data and his ilk might be better off bonding with fellow non-humans (or animals). According to the poll, only 9 percent of Americans said they would "have sex with a robot if they could."

Guess you guys won't be having longevity orgasms anytime soon.

(Photo: Batdoc)

Ah, the medical professional fantasy: pretty mundane fodder for a generation reared on porn, but still immensely popular. Bedding a nurse is the number one fantasy among men, in case you haven't been to a Halloween party in the past 25 years.

Now, some futurists are predicting that robots will have a dual function in our impending utopian society: not only will they care for us when we're sick, but they'll also satisfy our sexual fantasies in the process.

Transhumanity.net predicts that medical robots will eventually come equipped with a program that allows them to use sex as a perk to help them stand out in the crowded marketplace. Why hire a doctor robot when you can hire a doctor robot with BOOBS?

Imagine this, dudes. Your doctor who attends to your rectal health is a curvy she’bot who straps you face down with your legs spread for a prostrate exam and colonoscopy. After freshening the air with lime spray from her nipples, she divinely massages you, before gliding her slippery 18-inch techno-tongue into your anus.

The nurse would eventually bring the patient to orgasm--mostly for medical reasons, of course! First longevity orgasms and now sexy doctor robots? No wonder transhumanists are so in love with the future. Though we have to admit, this whole thing sounds like it's rooted more in personal fantasy than scientific research.

It seems we may have a long way to go before we reach sexy nurses, though. The current iteration of robot nurses looks more like a cuddly teddy bear than something you'd want to let touch your intimate parts:

(Photo: CNET)

This is what comes up when you Google image search "sexy robot." (Photo: Dragon Painting)

If you're already following the advice of your longevity coach and working to live as long as humanly possible (until the Singularity comes and your being is finally merged with that of a robot), then you're probably ready to take your training to the next level. Self-quantifying via sleep tracking apps and the Nike Fuel Band will only get you so far, and unless you're Peter Thiel, hyperbaric chambers are rather expensive. Luckily, the next step towards total transhumanism is much more pleasurable: buying a sex robot and having longevity orgasms.

Only those with an average lifespan would settle for normal orgasms. Instead, sexual satisfaction produced by a robot sex doll is quickly becoming the fantasy of many transhumanists:

Sexbots are coming, and we will cum with them. Three times a week or whatever our physician / longevity coach recommends. Because orgasms — especially the hormone-exploding O’s we’ll eventually enjoy with carnal cyborgs — are excellent for mental and physical health.

Remember the most convulsive, brain-ripping climax you ever had? The one that left you with “I could die happy now” satiety? Sexbots will electrocute our flesh with climaxes thrice as gigantic because they’ll be more desirable, patient, eager, and altruistic than their meat-bag competition, plus they’ll be uploaded with supreme sex-skills from millennia of erotic manuals, archives and academic experiments, and their anatomy will feature sexplosive devices. Sexbots will heighten our ecstasy until we have shrieking, frothy, bug-eyed, amnesia-inducing orgasms. They’ll offer us quadruple-tongued cunnilingus, open-throat silky fellatio, deliriously gentle kissing, transcendent nipple tweaking, g-spot massage & prostate milking dexterity, plus 2,000 varieties of coital rhythm with scented lubes — this will all be ours when the Sexbots arrive.

Technology hasn't quite gotten to the point where "shrieking, frothy, bug-eyed" orgasms via sentient robots is a reality, but we're getting close. Transhumanity points to the already-existent "Fucking Machines" and "Andydroid" for all of your longevity orgasm needs.

Suddenly your "James Deen is my next-door neighbor and needs to borrow a cup of sugar" fantasy seems so... vanilla.