(Photo: Mobypicture.com, John Perry Barlow)

Poor handsome, successful millionaire Sean Parker. Not only is he doomed to forever be confused with Justin Timberlake's obnoxiously bro-ish portrayal of him in The Social Network, but he's also been forced to cancel his honeymoon following the deafening backlash caused by his fantasy forest wedding. Can't a super rich guy catch a break around here?

Ever since the news broke that Mr. Parker and his bride, Alexandra Lenas, may have wreaked Sauron-like destruction on a redwood forest in the name of loving and banging each other forever & ever, Mr. Parker has been forced to go on the offensive, declaring that actually he really cares about the redwoods. Who would get married there and vaguely destroy them if you didn't really, really love them? (If you love something, set it free, but only after you shit all over it.)

Now, Mr. Parker has been fielding death threats on his Facebook page from "eco-terrorists" who are upset with him for messing with an ecologically sensitive area.

"There were people -- eco-terrorists -- on my own Facebook page saying, 'Let's find this guy and put him out of his misery,'" Mr. Parker told CNET. "Psychopaths are hunting me."

Meanwhile, it appears that he's taking the criticism pretty personally. "You could accuse me of being goofy, or whacky, but there was nothing particularly ostentatious about it," he said. Yeah! What's so ostentatious about a multi-million dollar wedding anyways?

The real problem with these media reports, of course, is the fact that Mr. Parker is forever fated to be confused with fellow handsome, successful millionaire Justin Timberlake.

"I suppose I need to get used to this, since I'm forever conflated with the JT character in the The Social Network," he told CNET. "I'm no longer me. I'm this symbol, imagined in Aaron Sorkin's imagination."

If anybody finds the world's tiniest violin buried beneath the rubble in Big Sur, you know where to send it.

(Photo: flickr.com/leweb3)

Fresh off his fantasy wedding, Sean Parker has found another company worth his investment dollars. The Next Web reports that the onetime president of Facebook has joined a $75 million round raised by NJOY, a company that makes e-cigarettes.

Perhaps you remember their commercial starring Courtney Love?

Mr. Parker explained his thinking: “As an entrepreneur and investor I’m drawn to disruptive companies in explosive new markets.” He added:

“The common thread between these companies is a missionary desire to leverage technology to change the world. I’m optimistic that the clever application of technology might someday obsolete the combustion cigarette and all the harm it causes.”

Better head for the hills, R.J. Reynolds!

(Photo: Mobypicture.com, John Perry Barlow)

Like the proverbial knight in shining armor, Sean Parker is riding to the defense of his own wedding. In response to the charges that his event basically trashed a redwood forest in Big Sur, he wrote a heartfelt letter to the Atlantic, which originally uncovered the report alleging damages.

For starters? "First and foremost is that nobody goes out of their way to get married in a redwood forest unless they really love redwood forests." He continues:

"Getting married beneath an old growth redwood tree has been a dream shared by me and my wife for a long time. We spent two years hiking redwood groves, both public and private, in order to locate the perfect spot for our wedding. We needed to find private land that had been previously developed ("disturbed land" in CCC vernacular) so that there would be minimal environmental impact."

He goes on to explain that when they found it, the campsite had been paved with asphalt and was in generally pretty shitty condition, and in the long run they actually helped the site. Also, the Save the Redwoods League "consulted informally on the project from Day 1." So there.

He also takes issue with the idea he should've secured permits, being just a humble hotel guest: "There was neither an obligation, contractual or otherwise, nor any legal way for me to apply for permits," since he didn't own the land. He further informs the Atlantic that he's long been a devoted servant of Mother Nature: "Second, my foundation has only two primary missions, one is cancer research (specifically cancer immunotherapy), and the other is conservation."

Finally, Mr. Parker is completely befuddled and, frankly, hurt that everyone finds this affair so extravagant. For one thing, the wedding didn't even cost $9 million; they actually spent $4.5 million "prepping the site." Duly noted. And for another:

Finally, you mention that what we did was "extravagant" yet none of the usual tasteless crap that rich people do at their weddings was present here -- no ice sculptures, no caviar, no pop stars hired to sing their hits songs, etc. This is why your article and so many other articles have been so deeply offensive.

Sorry that those of us who have to decide which second cousins to cut from the guest list in order to pay for our weddings without taking out a home equity loan found your $4.5 million+ wedding "extravagant," Sean. Won't happen again.

Tacky as hell, too. (CCC report)

So it turns out Sean Parker and Alexandra Lenas's John William Waterhouse wonderland wedding has an ugly side, one more befitting (to mix fantasy series metaphors) the evil, havoc-wreaking Sauron than the classy elven queen Galadriel. The millions of dollars worth of illegal construction for the affair, it turns out, basically trashed an ecologically sensitive area in a redwood forest, which even a second-grade child could warn you against tampering with.

Magical, my ass.

The California Coastal Commission's report, first published by the Atlantic, has details:

"Existing roads and campsites were graded and contoured to create the appearance of ruins. Stone gateways and walls were constructed. Staircases were crafted around existing habitat and redwood trees. An artificial pond was dug and installed. A stone bridge over the pond was constructed. Several elevated platforms were created, some adjacent to Post Creek (Exhibit 9). Over 100 potted trees and plants were partially planted within the existing road beds and campsites, and lighting was installed in the redwood forest."

Incidentally, you know what historians call fake ruins, which were a big fad in the 19th century? Follies.

Apparently the developers responsible for this charming display of nouveau riche geek gaucheness devoted precisely zero energy to mitigating the environmental impacts of this. There were few erosion-control measures to keep dirt out of the nearby creek, which is a habitat for endangered steelhead trout. Those big dumb fake ruins were built around and right up against the redwoods.

Plus, "failure to provide adequate development buffers from redwood trees can negatively impact the underground lignotubers by which redwoods clonally reproduce, thus impeding propagation." It's real bad for the trees, in other words.

The Atlantic is pretty disgusted, noting that, "The old-guard Midwestern transplants like Bob Noyce, Gordon Moore, and Bill Davidow -- not to mention a lot of newbie social entrepreneurs -- would be ashamed of this kind of grandstanding, and rightly so." But hey, what more can you expect from someone who got famous before he could legally drink by making it really, really easy for teenagers to steal music?

By the way, this is what the site originally looked like:

(CCC report)

(Photo: Mobypicture.com, John Perry Barlow)

It's a done deal, folks: This weekend Sean Parker tied the knot with Alexandra Lenas. Attendees included Sting, Cory Booker and the ubiquitous Allison Williams. And this morning, "insiders" are trying to convince the country's gossip rags that this wedding was, like, totally tasteful.

You know, for an event that practically jumps up and down and screams, "RENAISSANCE FAIRE."

Allow me to explain.

Electronic Freedom Frontier founder and Grateful Dead songwriter John Perry Barlow led the charge, tweeting yesterday: "Forget what you heard about Sean Parker's wedding." He called it "elegant, tasteful, and magical." We're going to interpret that as more Charles de Lint nod than George R.R. Martin homage, but it still gives off a distinct nerd vibe.

His fellow guests (speaking anonymously) echoed this enchantment to the Daily News. One guest said, “It was almost out of a fairy tale,” and another described it as “romantic, magical.” Also, "they made the forest come alive."

Amazing how easy it is to make magic when you've got $9 million to hurl at lighting, sets, an entire Latin American nation's worth of flowers and custom costumes designed by someone who worked on Lord of the Rings. 

What really tells the tale, though: DigitalSpy reports that Loreena McKennitt performed at the wedding. If you ever went through your own Ren Faire phase, you might remember her warbling recording of Tennyson's poen "The Lady of Shalott," because it is basically the unofficial anthem of the kind of attendees who wear costumes (as opposed to the kind who go to watch jousts and eat turkey legs).

Now, anyone who listens to Ms. McKennitt has--mark my words--had this kind of poster on her wall at some point in her life. And that, in turns, leads us to conclude that this wedding was designed to evoke the sword-and-sorceresses works of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood. Look at that blissed-out embrace, plus those long sleeves and slightly medieval veil. Classic knight-and-his-lady posturing.

So congrats to the happy couple and let's hope it works out better for them that it did for Arthur and Guinevere.

Okay guys, very tasteful, now quit fishing for compliments.

Sure, Sean Parker is throwing a whimsical wedding destined to be the envy of Charles de Lint-loving teen girls nationwide, but make no mistake: The rest of the tech world does not go in for that sort of thing. So says the New York Times, insisting that Silicon Valley prefers backyards (witness Zuck, Chris Hughes and Larry Ellison's fourth marriage) and private islands  "with enough security to thwart interlopers by air or sea" (both Google cofounders).

Can't have any photos leaking via those social-media sites the Valley keeps churning out!

"Ostentatious displays tend to draw more scorn than awe," the Times argues, and observers agree that the trend isn't merely the result of techies waiting too late to book their venue, ensuring all the good ones were taken.

TechCrunch's Alexia Tsotsis told the Times that, “Outliers like Parker serve as a warning for the rest of the group. Everyone here just wants to give off the aura that they’re working hard.” Alice Marwick, a Fordham assistant professor who recently married Harry Heymann, Foursquare’s head of engineering, in a low-key ceremony, suggested that “There’s a sense that you’re doing something good for the world, and that doesn’t go hand in hand with flashy weddings or buying a Prada backpack.”

Right.

But for all techies flatter themselves with the notion they're down-t0-Earth, this attitude has the distinct whiff of a Greenwich debutante turning up her nose at one of those elaborate New Jersey wedding gowns, with the transparent corset and the crystals. It's a very "not our kind, dear" kind of snobbery, like the proudly shabby WASPs of yore, and it doesn't do much to refute the notion that Silicon Valley is calcifying into its own elite enclave. Determined non-flashiness is its own form of conspicuous consumption.

Besides, at least Sean Parker's stupidly expensive wedding is going to deliver a real experience for out-of-town guests who bothered schlepping to Big Sur. If you're going to drag your family and friends into the woods, risking bug bites, the least you can do is provide $9 million worth of decor and a custom-made costume.

Westeros is, at least, relatively free of red tape. (Photo: TMZ)

It's not a party 'til someone calls the cops! Or, in Sean Parker's case, the local county planning department.

The Carmel Pine Cone (nice) reports that Mr. Parker didn't secure the proper permits for the millions' worth of building he's doing at his wooded wedding venue in Big Sur. And so the Monterey County planning department (and also maybe the California Coastal Commission, yikes) has started poking around whether they've violated local construction restrictions:

"‘We have opened a code enforcement investigation on Ventana Inn,’ county planning director Mike Novo told The Pine Cone.”

Don't worry, though: Authorities haven't issued a stop-work order, so preparations can proceed apace, leaving locals plenty of opportunity to gossip. A local restaurant owner told the Pine Cone, “I’ve heard a lot of buzz about it.”

Daenerys Targaryen wouldn't stand for any of this.

[h/t the L.A. Times]

So, yeah.

Sounds like Napster cofounder, former Facebook president and Airtime never-you-mind Sean Parker is planning his $9 million wedding in suitably lavish surroundings.

For the last two years, Mr. Parker's West Village townhouse has been undergoing renovations. But that doesn't mean Mr. Parker, his khaleesi and his daughter have simply been working around the general contractors. Nope! The Daily Mail reports that instead, the couple has relocated to the Plaza Hotel.

Yes, ladies, that means Sean Parker is currently living out your Eloise-inspired childhood dreams of residing in the gilded, rarified environs of the Plaza. Give that a ponder. 

No word on whether the couple has redecorated their quarters at the Plaza to more closely resemble Khal Drogo's tents.

(Original photo: flickr.com/niallkennedy)

Lying Bitches 500 Startups founder Dave McClure, known for his rather dirty mouth, made a big slip-up at the Nebraska-based thinkfluencer festival Big Omaha today. According to Valleywag, Mr. McClure was giving a talk at the conference when he asked someone how good her iPhone battery life was. When she responded with a presumably positive answer, Mr. McClure called her a "lying bitch." On stage. In front of tons of people.

Mr. McClure responded by clarifying his comment:

https://twitter.com/davemcclure/status/332946952176156672

Okay then.

Man about Internet Anil Dash stepped into the fray, corroborating Valleywag's reporting, but saying that Mr. McClure apologized for the faux pas.

https://twitter.com/anildash/status/332950633424502785

But then he added more context:

https://twitter.com/anildash/status/332951296816599041

Wonder if this whole debacle is making Mr. McClure wish for the heady days of reality show stardom.

No One Knows Anything at Twitter Even though Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey claims that he is "not even thinking" about taking the little company public, that doesn't mean other people aren't. Jean-Phillipe Maheu, a Twitter employee and former Bluefin Labs exec, was stopped by an immigration agent at JFK airport, but not for a typical immigration check. Instead, Mr. Maheu was asked the $64,000 question: when the hell is Twitter going to cave and make it rain with an IPO? Mr. Maheu didn't finish his tweet, so maybe he's not even thinking about it.

https://twitter.com/jpmaheu/status/332806410545025024

Nuptial Update Are you getting SO PUMPED for Sean Parker's Medievial Times-themed wedding of the (19th) century on June 1? We know you're busy polishing off your sword and ironing out the wrinkles in your Elven Hooded cloak, but before you get too carried, you should get acquainted with the surroundings of the wedding's exotic locale in Big Sur, Calif. It's a hot spot for celebrity weddings, as SFGate.com discovered. The city, which is about two hours south of the Valley, has seen several (real) celebrities get married like Michael C. Hall, Natalie Portman, and, ugh, Anne Hathaway. If you can't be an A-lister, you may as well get married like one.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Dorsey Jack Dorsey is really freaking us out this week, perhaps more so than usual. First, he's doing these weird selfies on his Vine account that nobody can explain, and now apparently he discovered the Marilyn Monroe tag on Tumblr. His always erratic Twitter account that usually spews non-sequiturs and documents the San Francisco sunrise is now spitting out quotes from Ms. Monroe. This one below is particularly special because we ask this every day.

https://twitter.com/jack/status/332864581653368834

X Marks the Spot Rumors surrounding Microsoft's new iteration of its Xbox videogame console are in high gear with the nearing of the console's reveal at Microsoft's headquarters in Redmond, Washington on May 21. On Tuesday, the International Business Times reported that it had confirmed that the new console would be called Xbox Infinity, although Reddit users appeared to debate the validity of this source. The device, which internally is going by the codename Durango, has seen numerous name ideas emerge, from Xbox 720, NeXtbox, or simply Xbox--just like Apple did with their newest iPad. No Xbox Cheetoh Fingers, then?

Zynga Death Watch Zynga employees appear to be so distressed about the state of their company that they are willingly running into traffic. The Village Voice reports that Zynga NYC's mobile team had its second annual footrace today:

They waited until one light turned red, made the cross-walk at one side their starting line, and ran through a hastily pulled ribbon at the other cross-walk to finish. There were pictures. And applause. And a lot of people standing around going, "What the f*ck?"

Runnin' Scared was kind enough to get a video interview, which you can watch below:

Lafayette Foot Race from Voice Media Group on Vimeo.

Ye Old Timey Shit

After a rather extended engagement, Sean Parker is finally making it official with the mother of his child, Alexandra Lenas. Rather than tying the knot in Zuckerbergian low-key fashion, however, it sounds like the two are planning quite the bash. Page Six says the pair will marry in June--in grand style.

The couple has reportedly settled on a medieval theme, their venue being a "forest setting" in Big Sur. The save-the-dates look like a medieval scroll. And sources tell Page Six each guest will receive his own custom period costume, because apparently the Lenas-Parkers want to humiliate their nearest and dearest.

A source tells Page Six:

“It’s not yet fully decided what the costumes will be like, the theme is supposed to fit in with the environment and the natural beauty of the area. But, yes, there is a chance the wedding could end up looking like an episode of ‘Game of Thrones.’ ”

Well, at least their concept isn't Peter Pan.

(Updated, 2:35 p.m.) Mr. Parker has responded to the news on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/sparker/status/318792321976131586

Which prompts the question: Why would you bother providing custom-made costumes for your wedding guests that are merely "essentially modern"? Don't Sean Parker's friends already own wedding-appropriate attire? That's because they're going for something "whimsical":

https://twitter.com/sparker/status/318796415751041024

https://twitter.com/sparker/status/318796764989763586

https://twitter.com/sparker/status/318796914646720512

In a Facebook update, he added that the outfits will be, "based on modern suits and dresses with some elements of victorian flair and whimsy."

Pardon our confusion.