Y'all don't know me.

Ever since news broke that Microsoft CEO Steve "Sweaty" Ballmer is part of an investment group working on buying Seattle its very own NBA team, the high profile tech company has been forced to fend off angry Sacramento Kings fans who blame it for the loss of their beloved franchise.

Mr. Ballmer and his co-investors want desperately to buy the Kings and convert them into the Seattle Sonics, because even with all the rain, Seattle is still less depressing than Sacramento. Though Mr. Ballmer has not yet convinced his fellow investors to name the team the Ballmer Ballers, Kings fans are still directing their ire at Microsoft, which they believe has some sort of say in the deal.

In fact, Sacramento was so angry about losing their basketball team that a local politician wrote a letter blasting Mr. Ballmer's decision to rob the state of a profitable, job-creating franchise. Now, according to Geekwire, Microsoft has been forced to issue its own statement pointing out that hey, actually Mr. Ballmer is doing this one all on his own.

"The effort to build a new professional sports arena in Seattle was initiated and is led by San Francisco-based developer, Chris Hansen, who has announced a number of investors, including Steve Ballmer," reads the statement. "Microsoft Corporation is not involved in the effort."

The company added, "Na na na na na."

(Photo: India Current Affairs)

Back in the early aughts, when this reporter's parents were fast asleep, we'd take one of those 500 Free Hours of AOL CDs received in the mail every other day, unplug the phone line in our bedroom, and hook it up to our laptop so we could log on to saucy chat rooms and browse AOL Teen. Our parents, competent as they were, had no idea we spent half the night surfing a sluggish, largely harmless web.

We assumed teens these days–born with a smartphone glued to their mutant flesh–have it much easier, especially without having to muffle the sounds of dial-up. We were wrong.

CBS News reports that when the parents of a teenage girl in Sacramento told her she couldn't go on the Internet after 10 p.m., she crushed up sleeping pills and put them in milkshakes she bought them. Her parents were initially skeptical as to why the teen would buy something for them when usually all teens do is take, take, take and I never hear a thank you.

They also noted that the milkshakes tasted weird and only drank a quarter of them. But that was enough to get the teen what she wanted: her precious Internet time. Her parents conked out within the hour and she was free to Tumbl her little heart out.

“Drugging your parents so you can use the internet, never heard of that,” a neighbor told CBS. “That’s crazy.”

This isn't the first time the girl has resorted to the drugging tactic; her mother says she's in fact done it before, though perhaps not just to get online. Maybe the girl has been watching too much Twin Peaks on Netflix?

2013 is off to a great start!