(Photo: Hackeducation.com)

Just because you own tons of stock in a popular company doesn't mean you know exactly what that company does. At yesterday's Facebook shareholders meeting at the Westin in San Francisco, confused stock owners descended upon CEO Mark Zuckerberg to ask him what exactly this damn thing does.

According to CNET, many stockholders took the opportunity of addressing Mr. Zuckerberg as a way to get the best possible customer service for their Facebook usability issues. Why is the News Feed so useless? How do privacy settings work? Is the Internet really a series of tubes?

"I do not know how to use Facebook," one woman named Rose, who along with her son owns 8,968 shares, told Mr. Zuckerberg as a palpable sigh punctuated the room, Olds everywhere relieved their secret had finally been revealed.

"Some analysts have negative comments of Facebook, but I know you're trying hard," she added, presumably before handing Mr. Zuckerberg a freshly baked rhubarb pie and telling him he looks too skinny and he should have worn a suit.

Afterwards, the shareholders met at the local Denny's just in time to catch the earlybird special.

Mr. Zuckerberg. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

This one's gonna sting: Reuters suggests that Facebook is losing its cachet, to an extent. #Teens are far more excited about Snapchat; Facebook Home hasn't exactly been a soaring success. But the site isn't going anywhere, probably, because it's such a big, bloated part of the Internet that it's practically a utility company.

Is there anything more bittersweet for a "disruptor" to hear?

Says Reuters:

"They've gotten so big that it's one of those things you have to use," said Dan Niles, chief investment officer of tech-focused hedge fund firm AlphaOne Capital Partners, which does not have a Facebook position. "You may not like the electricity company but I guarantee you you're still getting electricity."

Entrepreneur Bill Lee twisted the knife: "The newer, exciting stuff is coming from startups, but Facebook is really going to be the glue at the middle."

You know what else ends up as glue? Workhorses that are too old and broken-down to do their jobs any more. :(

Now that's love. (Photo: Tumblr)

Yahoo! for Yahoos! We've found a leading candidate for the single person happiest to hear that Yahoo was acquiring Tumblr. No, we're not talking about CEO David Karp.

Meet Tumblr engineer Jeremy Johnstone. He used to work for Yahoo, and, apparently, the company retains a place of pride in his heart. In fact, he still wears Yahoo gear so constantly that one of his colleagues (the parent of Tommy Pom, no less) has created an entire Tumblr--"Jeremy's Yahoo Wardrobe"--to chronicle his displays of loyalty.

For example, here is the bright purple car covered in Yahoo decals that he drove in 2007. Here is his Halloween costume from 2006, when he dressed up as the Yahoo logo. And then there are his many company t-shirts. Love is a beautiful thing, you guys.

Quantify ALL THE THINGS Are you curious about what Foursquare cofounder Naveen Selvadurai is up to? Like, really, really curious? Good news! The quantified-self devotee has just debuted api.naveen, an attempt to create a personal API "that would expose all of the information i knew about myself in a clean, open document." Included are data points like sleep, weight and checkins. He speculates it might be useful for research, so if there are any desperate grad students out there, have at it. The rest of us can just look at the amount of sleep he's getting with envy.

One for the record books Yesterday, Betabeat ventured over to the dystopian castle that is the Jacob Javits Center to take in the scene at the annual Book Expo America. We noticed several signs of technology's encroach: A couple of Wayfarer-wearing dudes in black Livestream t-shirts, a Kindle Direct Publishing booth parked within spitting distance of HarperCollins, and a Random House publicist who sorrowfully informed us that no, they no longer print catalogs. But perhaps the most telling sign: We spotted an actual Glasshole wandering the floor, teal face computer propped on her nose bold as brass.

Is nothing sacred?

Around the world Looks like the Zuckerberg family took a little vacay recently, inspiring extreme enthusiasm among the bloggers of Hungary. Unfortunately, Google Translate is just God awful with magyar ("Dani Thomas, carpenter and Botos immediately sent to the scene, who also found the party who Marvelosában  after. The place did not betray what."), so we don't have any anecdotes about the pair lurking around the hot springs or boozing it up at a beer garden. But here's a video of Mark and his bride rambling around sunny Budapest. Something tells us Priscilla is the chatty one in that relationship:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wk4mbJ2NZfI

Oh, and speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg: photoshop, or someone's stylish vintage grandma? You decide.

Kiss ups Apparently, at some point this week, AllThingsD doyenne Kara Swisher followed Comedy Central. Guess whoever runs their Twitter handle is a fan, because he did not play it cool at all: "Thanks for the follow. You're more like - All Things Awesome!" Something tells us that outright flattery is not the way to Ms. Swisher's heart.

Adventures As we mentioned, Senator Rand Paul is spending a couple of days meandering around Silicon Valley, hitting rich libertarians up for money and attempting to woo the could-be conservatives of Silicon Valley. He told the Wall Street Journal: "I think a lot of the people out here are much more fiscally conservative than President Obama.... They just need to be made to feel welcome in the party," by doing things like toning down the gay-marriage-bashing.

Well, as part of his little adventure, he stopped by Facebook and signed the company's chalk wall. His message? Something about "give me liberty." But of course!

Biking it Guys, Fred Wilson has declared his allegiances, and he is team Citibike. Naturally, he chronicled his conversion on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/fredwilson/status/339850772323913728

https://twitter.com/fredwilson/statuses/339855485404590080

(Photo: Flickr.com/gpaumier)

Israel just discovered parody Facebook accounts and that's bad news for Mark Zuckerberg. Moshe Gafni, a parliament member for an ulta-Orthodox sect, is so annoyed that a fake account containing his name was being used to impersonate him that he's now demanding to speak in-person with the Facebook CEO.

After repeated complaints to Facebook for the page’s removal went unanswered, Mr. Gafni asked the parliament’s Science and Technology Committee, which he happens to head, to convene for an urgent discussion about the still-active page.

According to YNet News, Mr. Gafni also sent a personal letter to Mr. Zuckerberg begging him to please address the very important issue of Facebook parody accounts.

He wrote:

Several days ago, I discovered that an impostor had opened a Facebook profile using my name. I reported it, but the profile is still active… I am not just concerned about myself… I'm wondering how an ordinary citizen can protect himself from such mischief, which may harm him and his family… I ask you to come and take part in this serious discussion.

Sounds very serious. Anyway, Mr. Zuckerberg is not required to appear at the discussion but it's reported that Facebook might send someone on his behalf when it takes place in two weeks.

Maybe there's an extra seat on a summer Birthright trip that Zuck could hop on?

(Photo: News.co.au)

Mark Zuckerberg and co. have been acting a little slim shady (heh) recently, at least according to the keeper of rapper Eminem's extensive musical catalog. The Detroit Free Press reports that Eight Mile Style, the publisher of Eminem's songs, is suing Facebook and its ad agency for using a song that sounds suspiciously like the artist's 2000 jam "Under the Influence" in an ad that streamed during Zuck's announcement of Facebook Home on April 4th.

A few days after the announcement, the ad was posted to YouTube and ran on TV with new music, which Eight Mile Style claims is an indication that Facebook knew they had infringed. Called "Airplane," the commercial features a hipster walking through an airplane as drag queens pop out at him and his greedy nephew tells him he ate all the chocolate cake.

Writes the Free Press:

The complaint claims the ad agency, Wieden+Kennedy of Portland, Ore., copied Eminem’s music “in an effort to curry favor with Facebook by catering to Zuckerberg’s personal likes and interests, and/or to invoke the same irreverent theme” of the rapper’s song.

Of course, we already know Zuck has a thing for Eminem. Back in 2011 he posted a status update about his favorite lyric. "'Had a dream I was king. I woke up, still king,'" he wrote. "Favorite lyric in a while."

Mark Zuckerberg, Eminem superfan.

BB bb (Photo: Instagram)

Glasshole Missed Connection Betabeat finally had the distinct pleasure of trying the dorky looking face computer we love to mock so much at a party last night at Meetup HQ. We (only slightly drunkenly) approached a tall white dude donning Google Glass and timidly asked if we might be able to try it on. When we slipped on the device (in slate!), the display was incredibly blurry--not due to our eyesight, but because Glass specifically calibrates to the wearer's eye. It was hard as hell to see, but the voice commands worked almost seamlessly, impressive since we were at a loud party.

The device's functionality is fairly limited: you can take a picture, record video and get directions to and from places. It also has the added benefit of making you look like a complete dork while somehow also attracting swaths of attractive ladies to get up real close to your face.

As it turns out, the Glasshole bro developed a crush on a Betabeat acquaintance, but even his face computer couldn't help him remember her name or even what she looked like. Instead, knowing only where she worked, he sent a LinkedIn message to a coworker he thought was her, but nope. (They do have the same hair color.) The coworker then forwarded his picture around the office asking if anyone had met him the night prior and wanted to date him. In the picture, he was wearing Glass.

A source also tells Betabeat that the Glass-wearing dude is working on a facial recognition app for the device that would take a person's picture and tell the wearer what their name is. You do you, Mr. Glasshole, but you might want to get on that one sooner rather than later.

Royal Joyriding  Important update in the Yellow Cab Wars: Here is a photo of Prince Harry (you know, the hot one) getting a personal demo from Hailo's cofounder:

Hailo co-founder Russ showed Prince Harry how to use Hailo to get home after a big night at the @uktiusa Tech event: hailo.to/l4naQ

— HailoNYC (@HailoNYC) May 15, 2013

Breakfast Breakup If you make a breakfast date with Ben Lerer, don't you dare stand him up. Mr. Lerer tweeted that he had early morning breakfast plans with Gawker publisher Nick Denton (at Balthazar, we assume?), but that the media mogul failed to show. Perhaps Mr. Denton was getting a head start on wedding planning.

https://twitter.com/BenjLerer/status/333934325286436866

What Is... Eyeroll Jeopardy does its best to related to the youngs during its college editions. As such, Wednesday's episode featured a category called "Yo-lo," as well as an entire column devoted to "Techie Dropouts." Tech familiars name-checked in that round included Kevin Rose, David Karp and Mark Zuckerberg. Aaron Swartz was the $2,000 answer.

https://twitter.com/1uigi/status/335006407361433600

(Photo: Tumblr)

A Meetup for Meetups Last night, we climbed an interminable number of stairs to reach the rooftop where Meetup was holding a celebration for its 100 millionth RSVP. We arrived to find hotdogs, plentiful kegs and even a tiny lawn made of AstroTurf. Musical accompaniment was provided by (what else?) a local bluegrass Meetup.

Among the crowd we spotted Laughing Squid’s Scott Beale in conversation with man-about-town Rex Sorgatz, Branch’s Josh Miller chowing down on a hot dog, and Small Girl Mallory Blair working the crowd. Lindsay Kaplan and Richard Blakely, Baratunde Thurston, Chris Kennedy and Kickstarter’s Fred Benenson also turned out.

“Meetup got started when there were two towers over there. Now there’s one tower going 1776 feet in the air. And Meetup wouldn’t be here if that tragedy didn’t happen,” said founder Scott Heiferman, standing up to extemporize a few remarks. “The worst things happen when people meet up. But thankfully, more often, the best things happen in life when people meet up.”

As we rode the Gilded Age elevator back downstairs later that evening, several people pulled out their phones to check their Hailo reservations. “I Hailo’d three times today,” one said proudly.

Wedding Bells Last weekend, at a ranch in Glen Ellen, California, New York Times columnist David Pogue married his longtime girlfriend, PR pro Nicole Vosshall Dugan. No word whether the vows included a brief but tasteful disclosure.

Mistaken identity Recently, one Betabeat reporter found herself in her umpteenth conversation about Lean In. A male developer frowned and announced, befuddled: "Oh, I thought that was a lean startup book." So, there’s that.

We’re Puking. Here’s a cool glimpse of what they’re serving up in Hell, er Silicon Valley: Angry Bird-themed sushi rolls! Much to Selina Meyer’s relief, it isn’t a fine Finnish import and it’s not made of real birds-- just fake fish. We don’t know what tastes more depressing: the Angry Birds II roll (filled with mango, torched salmon, and “special sauces”) or the OMG roll that contains a spring mix salad and torched white tuna. What’s worse is that the ginger is probably served room temperature.

https://twitter.com/jowyang/status/333750310633873408

Better than a “I’m With Stupid” mug. Oh, ha ha. Look at Jack “the Jokester” Dorsey everyone! The personified short-circuiting Twitter feed joked that he was giving arch nemesis Mark Zuckerberg one of his snazzy new Square stands for his “hoodie business.” It’s a joke because the Facebook CEO wears a lot of hoodies! The animated interaction happened on Twitter, a website that Mr. Zuckerberg (née @finkd) hasn’t used since 2012. We really need to figuring out a neutral platform for these two nerds to troll each other on. Reddit?

https://twitter.com/jack/status/334339997626949634

GOOD MORNING. (Photo: Google+)

News broke late Friday night that daily deals site LivingSocial was hacked, exposing the personal data of 50,000,000 users. [New York Times]

Robert Scoble showered in his pair of Google Glass and everyone on the Internet cried themselves to sleep. [Google Plus]

Jack Dorsey has a new plan for world domination: revamping how McDonald's charges you for that Big Mac. [USA Today]

Facebook is losing users quickly as many decamp for new social network experiences on platforms like Path. According to one study, just last month the site lost 6 million U.S. users, a 4 percent drop. [The Guardian]

What you Google can predict how the stock market behaves. Time to buy all the stocks in "Sergey Brin arms" then? [BBC]

Zuck apparently wears a t-shirt while swimming in the ocean. Who's surprised? [Valleywag]

Ditching the suit for a swimsuit. (Photo: Flickr.com/gpaumier)

Hawaii Zuck-O Look who ditched the hoodie (but kept the Adidas sandals). Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was recently spotted indulging in a little Hawaiin R&R with wifey Priscilla Chan. US Weekly reports the pair “looked excited to be spending quality time together,” which makes sense since it's pretty easy to be happy when you’ve escaped the maw of Silicon Valley. The Zucks also “chowed down” on something called “beachside burgers” at a “picnic table.” Stars: they're just like us (but rich).

Instaparty Former Tumblr engineer and prolific blogginghead Marco Arment officially sold his company, read-it-later app Instapaper, to NYC-based Betaworks yesterday. Though he will stay on indefinitely as an advisor, Mr. Arment appeared to be celebrating the occasion by tweeting uncharacteristically adorable things about his followers:

https://twitter.com/marcoarment/status/327636666787454976

Of course, this aroused the wry suspicion of Mr. Arment's followers:

https://twitter.com/meaghano/status/327637122309828608

Mr. Arment, as it turns out, appeared to be rightfully celebrating his Betaworks deal with a delicious cold beverage. "I can’t feel my face much anymore," he admitted. "I’ve had one beer. Granted, it’s about 20% ABV. It’s a hell of a beer." Lightweight!

So maj It's become somewhat of a celebrity rite of passage to participate in the ever-meta act of snapping a photo of yourself with Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom, then plastering it onto--that's right--your Instagram profile. Stylist, fashion designer and Bravolebrity Rachel Zoe is the latest victim of this trend, snapping the below photo of her and Mr. Systrom. Sorry, Rach, but Kev is much better at smizing.

(Photo: Instagram)

Cult of Steve Erin Caton, a former project manager at Apple, took to Medium today to lament the growing number of douchey startup CEOs, who--in their attempt to emulate Steve Jobs--end up growing ever-douchier and unwilling to listen to peer feedback. To illustrate her story, she shares two anecdotes of her experience with Mr. Jobs: one, in which he cut in front of her in line at the Apple cafeteria (rude!), and another in which he blamed the Mobile Me team for a shoddy launch.

She writes:

Once it was up, we (at least a hundred of us) got called into a meeting with Steve Jobs. We all walked over to the building like we were headed to the guillotine. He stood in front of us and yelled at us, told us that we should be mad at each other, said we could have done a staggered launch and complained that we didn’t even try to do all the things that we (those on the ground floor of production that actuallymake the fucking products of the world) had been begging to do. It was the world’s best de-motivational speech.

We look forward to Ashton Kutcher's dramatic reading of this Medium post.

Must love Martha Poor Martha Stewart. You could give her a bag of cotton balls, used gum and a Razr phone and she’d craft the most beautiful centerpiece perfect for any Bat Mitzvah. But the one thing she can’t master is the art of filling out her Match.com profile, because it’s too damn hard. “It was, like, impossible,” the 71-year-old told Today bully Matt Lauer. You don’t have to use your words on Tinder, Martha.

https://twitter.com/todayshow/status/327751873564114944

Wows all the way down Storied VC Marc Andreessen took a break from annotating hip hop lyrics this week to gush about the potential transformative nature of Google Glass at the she++ Conference, when he jokingly claimed to already be beta testing Google Contact Lenses. Mr. Andreessen also took time to preach on the life-changing wonders of Google Glass, with a twinge of Valley girl thrown in. “You put it on and you’re like ‘Oh my God, I have the entire internet in my vision. Where have you been all my life?’” Andreessen said.

Andreessen and his firm are known for showing Glass some lovin', having already invested heavily in startups focused on building apps for Google Glass. But Mr. Andreessen is probably so gung-ho about Glass because he's hoping they'll help him finally solve the mystery of Silicon Valley Cougar Night at the Rosewood Hotel.

Get Dorsey Man of few emotions Jack Dorsey showed a flicker of excitement this week. No, he didn’t discover a new train yard to stare at--rather, he’s mildly excited about the new Daft Punk album. He attached a picture of the Get Lucky song art to prove to us that he knows how to take a screenshot or something. Maybe this was all ploy to subtweet us for not giving a shit about Twitter #Music.

https://twitter.com/jack/status/327796327931076609

Mr. Durov (Photo: RBTH.ru)

Russian police have carried out a search of the offices and home of Pavel Durov, the founder and creator of VKontakte, the country’s most popular social network. The 28-year-old mogul is commonly referred to as the "Russian Mark Zuckerberg" for his influential site, which has more than 200 million users.

A spokesman from the Investigative Committee in St. Petersburg told the AFP that it was investigating a case from early April involving a hit-and-run. Detectives claim that a traffic officer was injured by a driver of a white Mercedes vehicle who ignored an order to stop, plowed into the cop, and then drove off.  Local media alleges that Mr. Durov was driving the car.

Being the good company man, Mr. Durov joked about the incident on his VKontakte profile writing: "When you drive over a policeman, it's very important to drive back and forward a few times to squeeze out all the soft parts." Nicolai Durov, his brother and the site's cofounder, wrote on his page that they were working and "suddenly 20 silent men in leather jackets appear."

"I wonder what they are looking for. Or perhaps they are gathering information and planting bugs," he wrote, according to the BBC.  He was most likely referring to the Russian government's ongoing crackdown on anything on the Internet it doesn't like.

A VKontakte spokesman denied that Mr. Durov was involved and said he doesn't even own that type of car. No arrests were made and the investigation is ongoing.

Dr. Evil (Photo: Wikipedia)

Did you think that, in the rush to ship Facebook Home, Zuck & Co. would forget about their reported plans to introduce video ads--with autoplay--to your News Feed? Guess again! Ad Age says that Facebook is currently meeting with ad agencies, in the hopes of signing up clients in advance of a June or July launch. (This, despite the fact they're still finalizing the product.)

Yes, we hear your wailing and gnashing of teeth at the thought of a News Feed cluttered with autoplaying videos, like some sort of early-Internet horror show. But don't expect Facebook to listen to your complaints, because the company stands to make out like absolute bandits:

"In its own version of an upfront marketplace, Facebook is currently selling four daily summer 'slots,' each targeting a relatively large demographic: women over 30; women under 30; men over 30; and men over 30. The ads will be capped at 15 seconds and frequency capped to ensure that no user sees more than three per day, with an asking price of upwards of $1 million, according to one executive."

That's right: One million dollars. Ad Age calls the prospect that four advertisers will cough up that money every day "a big, and unlikely, if," but that's a pretty aggressive number to open negotiation.

God help Facebook if they ever try to integrate something like this into Instagram.