Probably not the key to a new castle on the moon. (via)

In Pride and Prejudice, before achieving her happy ending with Mr. Darcy, Lizzie Bennett receives a marriage proposal from Mr. Collins, a toadying little man who offers a lifetime of a) stability and b) teeth-grinding annoyance. She turns him down, and her friend Charlotte promptly snaps him up. A 27-year-old woman of limited means in 18th century England, she's realistic about her options and grabs her best bet with both hands.

Let's not kid ourselves that Yahoo! is anything other than a Mr. Collins.

In many ways, Tumblr has made an advantageous and, yes, lucrative match. It's probably the biggest, splashiest exit since DoubleClick's $3.1 billion sale to Google. On Tumblr's end, investors exit nicely, David Karp has enough dough to buy any motorcycle sidecar that catches his eye, and everyone involved avoids a white-knuckled ride toward the end of the company's runway.

For Yahoo--naked breasts notwithstanding--it's a great way to purchase a whole bunch of young eyeballs and mobile users. Besides, if you've ever stumbled onto a Yahoo Answers thread, it's pretty clear their content can only improve.

But this isn't exactly a cake-and-confetti ending, either. Tumblr was reportedly running out of money, and it turns out the money wasn't coming in as fast as everyone thought, either. A source told Valleywag Tumblr's revenue for 2012, largely reported as $13 million, was actually less than $5 million, and Tumblr's Q1 revenues weren't where they needed to be to hit that $100 million end of year target. The company had just lost a string of execs.

According to TechCrunch, many at Tumblr felt $1.1 billion was just a first offer. Instagram, a less mature company, sold for a billion (though much of it was in stock, which reduced the ultimate price tag). AllThingsD says there weren't even competing deals--there's no Jack Dorsey pouting over how this played out.

Thinking along these lines, it seems Tumblr was less a success--wouldn't real success mean finding a way to monetize the business without hand-holding from a Valley behemoth?--and more that the New York City startup was simply lucky to have Yahoo as a willing rescuer. And while Mr. Karp has made a tidy sum, he won't be buying Larry Ellison's share of Lanai any time soon. A few more angels will get their wings, but it's hard to see a whole heavenly host coming out of this deal.

Meanwhile, Yahoo says the social network will remain independently operated, but it's highly likely that Mr. Karp's pretty art project--which he'd said he didn't want to flip for a big payout--will soon have more of the ads he's long resisted. (Anyone hearing early Tumblr investor Jakob Lodwick's dictum that "an acquisition is always a failure" echoing through their brain?) And while Marissa Mayer's made progress toward turning the Titanic, Yahoo has earned its reputation as a startup graveyard. Even if we're not looking at a Flickr or a Geocities scenario, that doesn't make Tumblr a savior for the ailing web giant. There's no guarantee it'll end up as successful an acquisition as YouTube. One analyst dares to compare the deal to AOL's purchase of the Huffington Post. Talk about a loveless marriage.

Well, there's always Etsy!

They made a GIF! You guys love GIFs, right?!

The official announcement just hit the newswires. Yahoo has acquired Tumblr for $1.1 billion, "substantially all of which is payable in cash." Because really, who wants to bet on the stability of Yahoo's stock price?

In the press release, CEO Marissa Mayer tries desperately to explain the acquisition in any way she can besides admitting Yahoo wants to drink the blood of the young: "Yahoo is the Internet's original media network. Tumblr is the Internet's fastest-growing media frenzy. Both companies are homes for brands - established and emerging."

Mr. Karp also chimed in on, as always, the staff blog:

"The work ahead of us remains the same – and we still have a long way to go! – but with more resources to draw from."

He added, "Plus both our logos end with punctuation!"  He also signed the post, "Fuck yeah."

The new stepmom is also already trying to placate wailing, hysterical Tumblr users. From a note just posted to Yahoo's official Tumblr:

We promise not to screw it up.  Tumblr is incredibly special and has a great thing going.  We will operate Tumblr independently.  David Karp will remain CEO.  The product roadmap, their team, their wit and irreverence will all remain the same as will their mission to empower creators to make their best work and get it in front of the audience they deserve.  Yahoo! will help Tumblr get even better, faster.

Let's go live to the Tumblr dashboard to get the reaction:

There's always Medium, maybe?

Where's that kid's company t-shirt? (Photo: Twitter/MarissaMayer)

Guess Marissa Mayer was sick of hearing about whether her truncated maternity leave was good for women. The Wall Street Journal reports that, if you can manage to work at Yahoo and remain upbeat about life enough to reproduce, you'll now benefit from new-and-improved perks for new parents (though Google's is still better).

The company has just increased time off for new mothers to 16 weeks and introduced paid paternity leave, and women who adopt, foster or employ a surrogate can also take eight weeks. For every five years you've been with the company, you can take an eight-week unpaid "sabbatical" (though is that really the right word for dealing with a howling newborn?).

Plus, all new parents are now getting their very own branded baby shower, plus cash:

"Among some of the other new benefits: New parents will receive $500 to spend on household expenses, such as laundry, house-cleaning, food or childcare, as well as Yahoo-branded baby gear, a spokeswoman says."

Don't bring that baby into the office unless he's wearing a purple onesie. In fact, don't even bring your new puppy unless he's swagged out: "Employees with new pets also get freebies, such as dog collars emblazoned with the Yahoo logo," according to the WSJ.

No word on what percentage of Yahoos receive diaper cakes personally crafted by the overachieving Ms. Mayer.

Mr. Parker. (Photo: Flickr/Le Web)

NYC-based non-incubator Betaworks has acquired a majority stake in the article-bookmarking service Instapaper. Creator Marco Arment wrote on his blog that he will slide into an advising role "indefinitely" as Betaworks oversees operations and expands Instapaper's staff. [PC Mag]

CISPA, the controversial Internet bill, is (probably?) dead. An anonymous source said that "there is no possible plan" to bring it up in the Democratic-controlled Senate because it faces little support from the party. [Daily Dot]

Some big names, like Sean Parker, Steve Ballmer, and Bill Gates, are joining Mark Zuckerberg's political action committee, FWD.us. We would love to be on those brunch-planning emails. [AllThingsD]

Yahoo's Marissa Mayer has joined the board of Jawbone, the hardware maker behind those groovy wireless headsets and speakers. [AllThingsD]

A study of Bitcoin exchanges revealed that 45 percent of them fail, often taking peoples’ money with them. And the exchanges that don't shutter are more likely to be the target of cyber attacks. [Wired]

Work with me, folks! (Photo: Wikipedia)

Judging from the reaction to Yahoo's abolishment of work-from-home arrangements, you'd think CEO Marissa Mayer had bitten the head off a live dove onstage at CES or something. After plying her new employees with free food and iPhones, had a tyrant finally revealed herself?

Not so much, according to the New York Times, which says the move was actually part and parcel of Ms. Mayer's ongoing campaign to make working at the company less of a complete bummer, all right? If that's okay with you, Richard Branson?

The Times paints a pretty dismal picture of conditions at the company: 

Parking lots and entire floors of cubicles were nearly empty because some employees were working as little as possible and leaving early.

Then there were the 200 or so people who had work-at-home arrangements. Although they collected Yahoo paychecks, some did little work for the company and a few had even begun their own start-ups on the side.

Anonymous sources told the Times of poor morale and little direction, which is pretty much a recipe for abuse of telecommuting privileges. “In the tech world it was such a bummer to say you worked for Yahoo,” said one former employee, adding, “I’ve heard she wants to make Yahoo young and cool.”

It's pretty tough to telegraph "young and cool" when the parking lot empties out faster than East Midtown on a Tuesday night. Then again, it's hard to sell 9-to-5 in the cubicle as hip.

Let's all work from SPACE! (Photo: Chatter-fest)

Just when we all thought the furor about whether Yahoos! can work from home might finally die down, Mayor Michael Bloomberg weighed in on the matter--siding with Ms. Mayer. During his weekly radio show, reports Capital New York, he noted that, "I've always said, telecommuting is one of the dumber ideas I've ever heard."

Well, Sir Richard Branson, for one, could not believe his ears. Absolutely aghast at this latest turn of events, the gallivanting founder of Virgin Group employed his blog once again to preach the gospel of working remotely and/or butt into the business of other major moguls: 

I have enormous respect for Michael Bloomberg and have rarely disagreed with anything he has done or said. However, on this occasion I disagree completely. Many employees who work from home are extremely diligent, get their job done, and get to spend more time with their families. They waste less time commuting and get a better work/life balance.

"To force everybody to work in offices is old school thinking," he added. Never mind that many Yahoo employees weren't even bothering to log in via VPN, which even the worst work-at-home slacker knows is a necessity. Wouldn't want to seem like an old fogey!

"In 30 years time, as technology moves forward even further, people are going to look back and wonder why offices ever existed," added Sir Richard Branson. "Do you agree that offices will one day be a thing of the past?"

We eagerly await the day the workers of the world can all Skype in from their very own Caribbean islands. Too bad this utopia won't arrive until after everyone's Metrocards get even more expensive.

This is Sir Richard Branson's idea of an office. (Photo: Flickr.com/D@LY3D

Chief Yahoo Marissa Mayer recently ruled that there will be no more working remotely for the company's thousands of employees. (Scuttlebutt suggests the decision was due to slacking and flakiness.) Well, it seems word has now trickled out to Sir Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Group and prominent Caribbean island owner, and he does not approve.

Mr. Branson took to his blog yesterday to voice his disapproval of Ms. Mayer's ruling. But it was really more of an advertisement for the cultural virtues of Virgin than anything else, actually:

We like to give people the freedom to work where they want, safe in the knowledge that they have the drive and expertise to perform excellently, whether they at their desk or in their kitchen. Yours truly has never worked out of an office, and never will.

So it was perplexing to see Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer tell employees who work remotely to relocate to company facilities. This seems a backwards step in an age when remote working is easier and more effective than ever.

Besides, how else are you supposed to spend time at your private tropical paradise?

(Photo: Top News)

Marissa Mayer introduced Yahoo users to a "new, more modern experience" for finding "the best of the web" in a blog post early this morning. [Yahoo]

Ever dream of founding the next Apple, Facebook or Twitter? That might be a long shot. But if you act fast, you can probably get your computer hacked by visiting the same website that compromised the recently-hacked tech giants. [AllThingsD]

“We used to have these ads, I’m a Mac and I’m a PC, and the Mac was always the cool guy,” Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak told Bloomberg. “And ouch, it’s painful, because we kind of are losing that.”[Bloomberg]

Apple's lead designer Jonathan Ive dropped some knowledge on a British children's television show. [Quartz]

"You cannot be cross-shopped on Amazon is like e-com 2.0," said Thrillist CEO Ben Lerer. [PandoDaily]

Meanwhile, pour out a little bit of Earl Grey for Regretsy, as the craft-snark blog is shuttering. Wrote founder April Winchell in a blog post: "After three and a half years, I've said everything I have to say about it, and now we're just Bedazzling a dead horse." [The Daily Dot]

The nice thing about a Yahoo earnings call, if you're Kara Swisher, is that you don't have to hide in the vents to hear what Marissa Mayer is saying. The good news: Yahoo beat Wall Street estimates. The bad: Revenue was flat, and oh, can someone do something about that pre-call elevator music? [AllThingsD]

That was a short-lived experiment: Months after Tumblr gave users the option of paying $5 to pin content to the top of followers' dashboards, the pay-to-pin feature has been abandoned. [The Daily Dot]

This hardware will self-destruct: the Pentagon is interested in military hardware "capable of physically disappearing in a controlled, triggerable manner"—the better to keep enemies from collecting and reverse-engineering the detritus of war. [Wired]

Less than a week after Twitter launched Vine, the video-sharing app it acquired last year, the company went back to the acquisition well, announcing a deal for Crashlytics, which tracks bad code when apps fail. [Business Insider]

Gizmodo’s Sam Biddle sluttin’ it up at CES. (Photo: Gizmodo)

"Objectify a man in tech" day is no longer a thing. Tech journalist Leigh Alexander proposed the exercise last week in hopes it would "catalyze discussions about the way we use language and how seemingly-innocuous 'compliments' are belittling and distracting";  now she's "worried that point will be lost and that harm can be done." [Sexy Videogameland]

The Department of Defense is gearing up to add 4,000 employees to its Cyber Command; The Pentagon may make an honest hacker out of you yet. [NYT]

Is Marissa Mayer's relationship with Wall Street already on the rocks? Analysts will be looking for tangible improvements under Ms. Mayer's leadership when Yahoo reports quarterly results later today. [CNN Money]

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has a prediction for e-hailing in New York: "Drivers will make a lot of money." [WSJ]

"Wait, how 'bout we trade you some promoted tweets for a tax break?" [BuzzFeed]

It's the year of the sexy, sexy enterprise startups. [Tech Crunch]