Some 30 year olds. (Photo: Xfinity)

According to a new study on longevity, 72 is the new 30, so shut up about your quarter-life crisis.

The Financial Times broke down the study, which examined men from Sweden and Japan, two countries with very high life expectancy rates. The scientists found that primitive cavemen had the same odds of dying at age 30 as Swedish or Japanese men do now at age 72. Since 1900, longevity "has risen faster than it did in the previous 200 millennia since modern man began to evolve from hominid species."

While some futurists are into techniques that are a little more out-there, like cryogenic freezing, life extension is slowly creepy into the mainstream with recent public support from bold-faced names like Mark Zuckerberg and Sergie Brin.

Somewhere in a tricked-out Google office Ray Kurzweil is rubbing together his bionic hands and madly cackling.

(Photo: Piccsy)

Perk up, Peter Thiel: if our brains aren't transplanted into robot bodies some time soon, we can always bank on human immortality. Researchers at Kiel University in Germany believe they've discovered a gene that is linked directly to the aging process. This opens up new opportunities for research focusing on how to prolong human life.

According to KurzweilAI, the scientists were studying a freshwater animal called the polyp Hydra, unique because its plethora of stem cells make it "capable of continuous proliferation," rendering it effectively immortal. By studying the FoxO gene (also called the "longevity gene") in animals, scientists now know that the gene has an impact on the production of stem cells:

The study has two major conclusions: It confirms that the FoxO gene plays a decisive role in the maintenance of stem cells, and thus determines the life span of animals; and it shows that aging and longevity of organisms depend on two factors: the maintenance of stem cells and the maintenance of a functioning immune system.

If scientists can figure out how to effectively maintain both stem cells and a functioning immune system, we'd be one step closer to realizing our longevity dreams.

In layman's terms: fucking eternal youth, brah.

Now we just need those longevity orgasm-giving sex bots to truly arrive.

This is what comes up when you Google image search "sexy robot." (Photo: Dragon Painting)

If you're already following the advice of your longevity coach and working to live as long as humanly possible (until the Singularity comes and your being is finally merged with that of a robot), then you're probably ready to take your training to the next level. Self-quantifying via sleep tracking apps and the Nike Fuel Band will only get you so far, and unless you're Peter Thiel, hyperbaric chambers are rather expensive. Luckily, the next step towards total transhumanism is much more pleasurable: buying a sex robot and having longevity orgasms.

Only those with an average lifespan would settle for normal orgasms. Instead, sexual satisfaction produced by a robot sex doll is quickly becoming the fantasy of many transhumanists:

Sexbots are coming, and we will cum with them. Three times a week or whatever our physician / longevity coach recommends. Because orgasms — especially the hormone-exploding O’s we’ll eventually enjoy with carnal cyborgs — are excellent for mental and physical health.

Remember the most convulsive, brain-ripping climax you ever had? The one that left you with “I could die happy now” satiety? Sexbots will electrocute our flesh with climaxes thrice as gigantic because they’ll be more desirable, patient, eager, and altruistic than their meat-bag competition, plus they’ll be uploaded with supreme sex-skills from millennia of erotic manuals, archives and academic experiments, and their anatomy will feature sexplosive devices. Sexbots will heighten our ecstasy until we have shrieking, frothy, bug-eyed, amnesia-inducing orgasms. They’ll offer us quadruple-tongued cunnilingus, open-throat silky fellatio, deliriously gentle kissing, transcendent nipple tweaking, g-spot massage & prostate milking dexterity, plus 2,000 varieties of coital rhythm with scented lubes — this will all be ours when the Sexbots arrive.

Technology hasn't quite gotten to the point where "shrieking, frothy, bug-eyed" orgasms via sentient robots is a reality, but we're getting close. Transhumanity points to the already-existent "Fucking Machines" and "Andydroid" for all of your longevity orgasm needs.

Suddenly your "James Deen is my next-door neighbor and needs to borrow a cup of sugar" fantasy seems so... vanilla.