Fuck you, pay me. (Photo: flickr.com/s_w_ellis/)

Guess the august lawmakers of the United Kingdom aren't impressed by face computers, future cars and Star Trek inventions. Bloomberg News reports Google's outpost in merry old England is under siege from Parliament, which wants to know why the search company is barely paying any U.K. taxes.

Google claims that the London operation mostly handles marketing, and all the closers are in Ireland. But U.K. officials say they've got evidence Google ought to be playing more taxes locally, and, by God, they want their cut. According to Bloomberg News:

“Your company says you don’t do evil; you do do evil, you use smoke and mirrors,” [Public Accounts Committee chair Margaret] Hodge told California-based Google’s vice president for sales and operations in northern and central Europe, Matt Brittin. Hodge said Google practiced “devious, calculated and, in my view, unethical behavior.”

How many times a week do you reckon Larry Page has that motto tossed back in his face?

(Photo: Screencap)

Google made no attempt to top last year's I/O keynote, featuring skydivers. Instead, viewers were treated to a long, rambling meditation on progress from Google CEO Larry Page, who seemed none too keen on talking about Google Glass.

“Technology should do the hard work,” Mr. Page informed us all, “so that people can get on with doing the things that make them happiest in life.” He also suggested that, "being negative is not how we make progress." Somehow we doubt that outlook inspires Mr. Page to let his underlings off lightly when they screw something up.

The closest thing to a skydiver was when Robert Scoble popped up at the front of the line for Q&A, announcing himself as "one of the first glassholes." "Robert, I didn't appreciate the shower picture," Mr. Page replied.

But there were a few big announcements.

Google Maps Revamp The company has spruced up its flagship Maps product. Power the old gal up, and you'll get personalized recommendations and reviews from friends. Plus, you can now click on any point on the map and you'll get an info card with the option to get directions or open up StreetView--no more click-and-dragging the little orange man.

You also have the option of "EarthView," which is basically just Google Earth integrated into the service--no more downloading a separate app. You can now zoom all the way out to space and, apparently, see real-time weather conditions. (Not that that'll tell you whether you should wear a sweater tomorrow or not.)

Search You know that scene in Star Trek: The Voyage Home where Scottie picks up the mouse of the Apple II and tries talking to the computer? "The keyboard? How quaint."

"I dreamed of building that computer one day," admitted senior VO of search Amit Singhal when he took the stage to introduce today's big roll-out. "Little did I know that I would grow up to become the person responsible for building my dream." Google Now's conversational search is now available on the desktop (via Chrome), complete with voice recognition. You just say "OK Google," and away you go. This will make it incredibly easy to research luxury vacations while lying in bed eating leftover pizza, so thanks, Mountain View!

Plus Google Now is getting things like voice reminders and public transit info.

Google + A redesigned, card-based interface. Looks like the love child of Google Now and Pinterest. Photos look better. There are some hashtags. Zzz. Their "machine-learning algorithms" are also going to help you weed through your vacation photos. Thanks, HAL 9000! Also, they rolled out Hangouts as a cross-platform messaging app, available on Android, iOS, Gmail, etc.

Also among the announcements: a new subscription music service, atrociously named "Google Play Music All Access," to compete with Spotify; Google Wallet integration with Gmail.

Next year, Larry, bring the car.

(Photo: Instagram)

Can you hear me now? It's a cardinal rule of working outside the office that you absolutely must learn to use your inside voice. But it seems a few people in Silicon Valley haven't quite mastered that particular trick. "Stopped by a Starbucks on Sand Hill Road to use Wifi," Slate's Farhad Manjoo recently tweeted. "Surrounded by indiscreet start-up guys preparing for VC meetings." Remember guys: The walls have ears.

Boys on Girls CollegeHumor founder Ricky Van Veen has been known to drag his girlfriend, HBO star Allison Williams, around to tech events, but she’s not afraid to give him a taste of his own medicine. In Sunday night's episode of Girls, Mr. Van Veen had a cameo appearance which even earned him a credit at the end under "Also Starring."

(Photo: Screenshot)

Clad in a plaid shirt and jeans, Mr. Van Veen was present in the startup party scene for Charlie's new app, Forbid. "We hit 20,000 MAU, and then everyone was just like, 'Ohhh fuck we did it,'" Charlie says earlier in the episode when explaining why they're throwing the party. (MAUs are monthly active users, duh.)

When Marnie grabs the mic and decides to turn the party into her own private karaoke sesh, Mr. Van Veen can be seen rolling his eyes at his real life girlfriend. Inside jokes! He also has a short scene with Shoshanna, where he tells her, "Restaurants are like my passion. Just going out to things is who I am." We've never met Mr. Van Veen in real life, but his Girls character was definitely insufferable.

As far as the accuracy of the scene when compared to an actual startup party? We'd give it a 7/10. Needed more neckbeards.

Spamalot Looks like even New York Times editors aren't immune to the occasional Twitter hack. Earlier this week, Times public editor fell pray to a little vanity when she clicked a spam link, which caused her profile to tweet out the same link:

(Photo: Twitter)

Ms. Sullivan seemed to take it all in stride. "Now I know I've had the complete Twitter experience, with account briefly hacked," she tweeted shortly after. "Thanks to all for help and sorry for the unintended spam!"

#freegooglereader Budding bloggers who rely heavily on RSS to find stuff to write about aren't the only people lamenting the imminent shuttering of Google Reader. Turns out ex-Today Show host Ann Curry was also a fan. Larry, can you hear her?

https://twitter.com/AnnCurry/status/312022545975111681

https://twitter.com/AnnCurry/status/312019199503523840

FYI Lo Bosworth would like the world to know that she finally, finally got Mailbox:

(Wikipedia)

Since Facebook announced Graph Search last week, experts have been speculating at the implications for a certain Internet giant.

Well, a conference call to discuss Google's quarterly earnings provided ample opportunity to ask CEO Larry Page for his thoughts on the newest entry in the field. Unfortunately, Mr. Page—dogged by a mysterious ailment that has reduced his speaking voice to an asthmatic wheeze—dodged the question about Facebook’s product. Instead, he responded with an exegesis on Google’s own search features:

When we think about search, our mission has been organizing the world’s information and making it useful ... We've been at it for quite a while, and made all sorts of investments … and we’ll continue to do that. ... Ten years ago, what Google did is almost unthinkable compared to what it now does and understands. ... Look at [Google] Voice, which we've made huge investments in, and has applications in mobile. ... [Google] Now is another great example ... it's answering a question before you think to ask it. So I feel very confident of our product.

Google Now, if you haven't been reading your Search Engine Land, is the product that anticipates users queries, and which might be particularly useful to a certain weary-voiced tech executive. "Wouldn’t it be great if we answered your questions before you asked them?" Mr. Page said to the banking analysts dialed into today's call. "It would save you a lot of work."

And, presumably, it would save Mr. Page's tired vocal cords.

Get your sniffles away from me, kiddo. (Photo: Flickr.com/crazybob)

We're currently barreling toward flu season, much to the dismay of everyone who commutes via public transportation. And it seems a couple years watching the seasonal illness wax and wane on Google's flu trends map has made an impact on CEO Larry Page: The Mercury News reports that until the end of the month, his family foundation will be covering the cost of flu vaccines for kids at Targets across the Bay Area. 

He made the announcement on Google Plus. "Don't worry, I'm not actually administering the shots :)," he cracked. You just did something admirable, Larry; don't get creepy now.

Of course, as the buzzkill brigade over at Hacker News points out, this is also a pretty savvy business move, since children, God bless them, are basically walking disease incubators. And generally speaking, the more people get vaccinated, the tougher it is for a serious outbreak to get a foothold.

Thus ends your tangential reminder that honestly, you probably ought to get a flu shot.

(Photo: Rizzn)

Even a dorky-looking pair of Google Glasses won't be able to hide the disdain on Google CEO Larry Page's face today. Reuters reports that the company's financial printers, RR Donnelley, accidentally filed a draft of the company's Q3 earnings results to the SEC. "PENDING LARRY QUOTE," reads a placeholder at the top, indicating that the results were filed accidentally, before Mr. Page had a chance to chime in and defend the 20 percent dive in net income.

Company earnings are typically filed before or after trading hours to reduce the immediate impact on stock prices. As of this writing, Google's stock had dipped 9.03 percent, though it's still hovering around $687.

In response to the accidental filing, Google said that RR Donnelley had filed the earnings without authorization. "We have ceased trading on NASDAQ while we work to finalize the document. Once it's finalized we will release our earnings, resume trading on NASDAQ and hold our earnings call as normal at 1:30 PM PT," the company said.

As for the earnings, RR Donnelley told Reuters that it's still working to finalize the statement, but things don't look very promising for the internet giant. The purchase of the underperforming cell phone manufacturer Motorola Mobility may have crippled Google's performance this quarter. According to Reuters:

"Google, which has been struggling to turn around a loss-making cell phone maker Motorola Mobility that it bought for $12.5 billion, reported a 20 percent dive in net income to $2.18 billion. Excluding certain items, it earned $9.03 a share, vastly underperforming the $10.65 analysts had expected, on average.

'Click prices declined for the fourth consecutive quarter after rising for eight consecutive quarters before then. That's a negative. This is the mobile problem,' [said an analyst].

'The other bit is the Motorola millstone had been ignored by the market, and – boom – now you've got weak revenue from Motorola. When you acquire a business and you're about to whack all kinds of people and close offices, you know what happens to the employees? They take their eye off the ball. Sales are down.'"

In RR Donnelley's defense, we're not sure Mr. Page can do much better than "PENDING."

(Photo: G4)

Larry Page is "hopeful" about the outcome of that antitrust probe into Google. Good for him! [Wall Street Journal]

Speaking of Google, here's a peak inside its top secret data center. [Wired]

Microsoft has set its Surface tablet price at $499. That's a lot of money you will never spend on a thing from Microsoft. [Wall Street Journal]

Motherboard talked to Steve Jobs through a psychic medium. Happy Halloween? [Motherboard]

The London Review of Books has a sad about online dating. [LRB]

Sick clock, bro. (flickr.com/doortoriver)

Looks like The GOOG will soon be expanding its New York City footprint. Sources tell the Wall Street Journal that the company plans to lease an additional 94,000-plus square feet at the Chelsea Market.

The great irony is that, thanks to that swank employee cafeteria, Googlers are the techies least likely to be longing for proximity to the delicious smorgasbord that is the Chelsea Market. Why bother paying for a lobster roll when there's suckling pig in the employee cafeteria?

Google's had 100,000 square feet of Chelsea Market space to its name for the last five years or so, but right now it's mostly home to sales employees. A source told the Journal that, with the space practically doubling, it's likely that other types of workers will be taking up residence. While the company does own 111 8th Avenue, it's apparently discovering it isn't easy to oust tenants (even with a buyout) and therefore having trouble expanding in the space.

Reports the Journal:

"Any time we can get big space [at Chelsea Market], it opens it up for the technology and media companies that are having trouble locating creative space that reeks of their image," said David Falk, of real-estate brokerage Newmark Grubb Knight Frank, who represented the owner of Chelsea Market, Jamestown Properties.

Conveniently for creative-space-strapped tech companies, Jamestown Properties is currently in the process of attempting to expand Chelsea Market, to the tune of 290,000 square feet of new office space. The local community is none too pleased with the notion; the City Council will vote yea or nay by the end of the month.

Googlers, look for Betabeat on your next trip downstairs to Jacques Torres. How do you think we get those Rumor Roundup items, anyway?

(Photo: Jeff Koterba, The Cagle Post)

If you live in the Bellevue, Wash. area and consider yourself Elon Musk Jr., boy do we have the internship of a lifetime for you. Planetary Resources, a budding startup backed by the likes of Google CEO Larry Page and famous Hollywood director James Cameron, posted a job listing for interns hoping to help the company mine near-earth asteroids. Non-space nuts need not apply.

According to the listing, spotted by the Wall Street Journal:

It may sound like science fiction, but it’s just science!

Planetary Resources, Inc (PRI), The Asteroid Mining Company, is seeking qualified and enthusiastic candidates for paid cooperative education positions to assist in the development of new systems and technologies for the commercial robotic exploration of near Earth asteroids in our Bellevue, WA location. Applicants should have an interest in space systems design and application and should expect a hands-on, intense and dynamic work environment.

Interested candidates must have a GPA of 3.2 or higher in a program like aerospace engineering or computer science. MFA students looking to use the experience as fodder for a future science fiction novel are shit out of luck.

Foyer, or roller rink? Good question! (via Curbed.com)

In honor of the Zynga-enriched Pincuses, who recently closed on a $16 million Pacific Heights pile described as "very massive, very Old Money," Curbed has an envy-inducing little roundup of swank mansions belonging to wealthy West Coast techies.

Suddenly, the Valley as tech nirvana makes more sense than ever. Not since the Gilded Age has it been possible for even the wealthiest robber barons to lay claim to this much space in Manhattan.

The new home of Mark and Allison Pincus is not merely spacious but just about as historic as you can get out in California, short of moving into a Spanish mission:

The 11,500-square-foot, seven-bed, seven-bath spread was built in 1907 for the Newhall family, who owned it for 105 years before passing the title along to Pincus in exchange for his many millions. Hopefully, they weren't paid in stock.

Zynga zinger! Of course, as Curbed points out, Mrs. Pincus is the cofounder of decor-frenzy-inspiring ecommerce site One Kings Lane, so really it would've been unimaginable for them to live in anything less.

We also noticed that Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, though settling for a mere 5,000 square feet, somehow managed to find a home in Silicon Valley that looks almost unbelievably Westchester-like:

via Curbed.

Also, there is a croquet lawn. You're not getting that in the West Village, no matter how idyllic your townhouse.

Meanwhile, Jack Dorsey inhabits a cliffside mansion with a retractable roof and a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, while Larry Page apparently just keeps buying up surrounding properties.

Perhaps the jokes on both coasts, though: Mark Cuban lives in a 24,000-square-foot Dallas monstrosity that, frankly, might as well be Wayne Manor. Then again, even the Vanderbilts had to go as far as Asheville, North Carolina to build the Biltmore.