SFW. (Photo: Hashgram)

Oh no, our world's children are succumbing to the perils of the World Wide Web. A new survey of 19,000 parents worldwide said their kids browse porn as early as age six and begin e-flirting at eight years old. The news comes from Bitdefender, a Bucharest-based antivirus company, that compiled the results from talking with parents and monitoring which sites parents block.

The Internet-addicted generation is also using instant messaging services and playing video games at younger ages than ever before, Bitdefender said. The survey found kids playing video games as young as five, and 17 percent of those surveyed registered for social media sites at 10 years old. Those sneaky kids also figured out that they could get around several sites' 13-year-old minimum age by--get this!--lying about their ages.

The study said that another "hot destination" for kids online for when they're not flirting are alleged "hate" websites where kids are allowed to--cover your ears--swear and be dicks to each other. So, 4Chan?

A Bitdefender spokesperson told USA Today that kids are getting increasingly sneakier:

"Kids nowadays are acting like young adults online — just give them an Internet-connected device, and they will find a way to things parents would like to ban forever," says Bitdefender Chief Security Strategist Catalin Cosoi.

Just wait until they get on OKCupid. Shiver.

(Screencap: YouTube)

Do you hate your own children and wish they would just stop being so freakin' annoying? Do you pray that they'd just go the fuck to sleep for once so you can watch The X Factor in peace? Luckily, a new pair of high tech pajamas called "Smart Pajamas" will do your parenting for you. Ain't the future grand?

With the help of an app, Smart Pajamas can read your kid a bedtime story or even sing him or her a lullaby. After you download the app, just scan one of the dots on the pajamas to have the app become an unsatisfying proxy for all of the parental tenderness you feel incapable of expressing because of your fraught relationship with your own parents.

And when your children despise you one day, when they send you to a terrible nursing home and you look them in the eye and ask them why, two words will fall out of their mouths: "Smart pajamas."

Problem child. (Photo: Flickr)

We’re all going to enter therapy for our addiction to technology eventually. Might as well start them young. That’s what they’re doing over in the United Kingdom to a four-year-old girl who, after using her iPad for more than four hours a day, became “distressed and inconsolable” when it was taken away.

Her mother entered her into a rehab after she showed "increased agitation" when the iPad was removed. Enter hero Dr. Richard Graham, the creator of Britain's first-ever technology addiction program, who claims cases like hers are growing and creating “dangerous” long-term effects. He told The Telegraph that the electronic form of amusement was preventing kids from forming IRL social relationships and leaving kids very exhausted from the constant swiping.

Like every other problem, he blames parents for not lifting an eye from their iDevices, which leaves kids craving them, too.

"They can't cope and become addicted, reacting with tantrums and uncontrollable behavior when they are taken away. Then as they grow older, the problem only gets worse. Even the most shy kids, when they hit their teens, suddenly want to become sociable and popular," said Dr. Graham.

Now frustrated parents, who are too scared of their crying children, are paying upwards of $25,000 for 28-day long "digital detox" programs in a London hospital created by Dr. Graham. Guess we know where Park Slope parents will be spending their summers!

(Photo: Gifts.com)

Folks, have a glimpse into the terrifying future, a future in which your child refuses to relinquish the right to have you wipe his butt unless you give him an iPad. This is what could become of our society should the iPotty gain any modicum of popularity.

The BBC reports that the device was unveiled at CES. What is an iPotty, exactly, besides a blemish upon Steve Jobs's legacy? It's a kid-sized toilet with a built-in iPad stand, because children of the future will be incapable of taking a shit without simultaneously completing a Dora the Explorer virtual puzzle.

Makers of the iPotty told the BBC that kids can use the toilet "for entertainment," or load up an app to help potty train them.

God help us all if they build a dude-sized one of these things.

(Photo: Ben Northrop)

Garry Welding is a programmer with a blog who works as a contractor for an ecommerce company in the U.K. Garry Welding's daughter is an unsuspecting, angelic five year old who would probably like to play legos but is instead being forced to learn how to code by her programmer father because "Hacker News will love it, honey!"

Mr. Welding published a post to his blog about how his daughter had shown a passing interest in his work. He decided to seize on this opportunity and set up a simple program so he could begin to teach her how to code. Before she could touch the computer he filled up her juicy cup with Mountain Dew and told her that if she didn't ship something today she'd have to go back to being a test engineer (not really).

"We wrote a very simple script to make the robot draw a pyramid (apparently the initial script that gets loaded draws a square and that’s just too “boring”), and as expected there were one or two bugs introduced by my daughter miscounting or confusing left and right," Mr. Welding wrote.

For her mistakes, Mr. Welding's daughter must now be the primary on-call engineer for the next seven days, responsible for taking care of any bugs that arise during that time, even if they're during her precious "naptime."

It's a tough life, kid. On the plus side, you're gonna be riiiich!

(h/t Sam Biddle)

A Reddit user named "jyck" posted a video of his son attempting to recite the opening credits to the StarTrek subreddit. His adorable kid accent, coupled with that palpable delight only evident in children under 12, is enough to thaw even the hardest heart.

(Photo: Club 937)

Consider your most recent nightmare, one that caused you to bolt upright in bed, quaking in fear. Did it involve a Furby? If not, now it will. You're welcome!

You may remember the Furby as an animatronic stuffed animal from the '90s that your parents once bought you for Christmas. It was fun to play with for an hour, but after a while grew so annoying and so creepy that you hid it in the basement and told you parents you lost it (like, hypothetically).

For no reason other than the fact that children are weird and sometimes terrible, Furbies were wildly popular in the '90s. So naturally, its developer, Hasbro, has decided to revamp this gurgling, fur-covered nightmare for the digital age. God bless America.

Gizmodo did an extensive review of the new Furby, which comes in LSD colors and boasts LED eyes. Their findings will churn your stomach:

You don't really "use" the Furby so much as you willingly subject yourself to it. The Furby makes almost constant noise in its own native language, Furbish. Chortles, whistles, grunts, whines, moans, screeches, incoherent speaking in tongues....

The Furby's erratic mania culminates in its schizophrenic personality changes. It shouts, "I'M CHANGING," squeezes its eyes shut, and then reopens them. Now it's changed. During our testing, it remained in some sort of demonic phase, with slit eyes, a raspy voice, and lots of cackles. Once its eyes changed into cows, and then cherries, and it appeared intoxicated. Bath salt Furby lasted for a while longer, before suddenly, inexplicably reverting to docile.

The Mayans may have been right about 2012. Bow to your new overlord, the Furby.