Kids These Days
Oh no, our world’s children are succumbing to the perils of the World Wide Web. A new survey of 19,000 parents worldwide said their kids browse porn as early as age six and begin e-flirting at eight years old. The news comes from Bitdefender, a Bucharest-based antivirus company, that compiled the results from talking with parents and monitoring which sites parents block.
The Way We Live Now
Do you hate your own children and wish they would just stop being so freakin’ annoying? Do you pray that they’d just go the fuck to sleep for once so you can watch The X Factor in peace? Luckily, a new pair of high tech pajamas called “Smart Pajamas” will do your parenting for you. Ain’t the future grand?
First World Problems
We’re all going to enter therapy for our addiction to technology eventually. Might as well start them young. That’s what they’re doing over in the United Kingdom to a four-year-old girl who, after using her iPad for more than four hours a day, became “distressed and inconsolable” when it was taken away.
Her mother entered her into a rehab after she showed “increased agitation” when the iPad was removed. Enter hero Dr. Richard Graham, the creator of Britain’s first-ever technology addiction program, who claims cases like hers are growing and creating “dangerous” long-term effects. He told The Telegraph that the electronic form of amusement was preventing kids from forming IRL social relationships and leaving kids very exhausted from the constant swiping.
Folks, have a glimpse into the terrifying future, a future in which your child refuses to relinquish the right to have you wipe his butt unless you give him an iPad. This is what could become of our society should the iPotty gain any modicum of popularity.
Garry Welding is a programmer with a blog who works as a contractor for an ecommerce company in the U.K. Garry Welding’s daughter is an unsuspecting, angelic five year old who would probably like to play legos but is instead being forced to learn how to code by her programmer father because “Hacker News will love it, honey!”
Mr. Welding published a post to his blog about how his daughter had shown a passing interest in his work. He decided to seize on this opportunity and set up a simple program so he could begin to teach her how to code. Before she could touch the computer he filled up her juicy cup with Mountain Dew and told her that if she didn’t ship something today she’d have to go back to being a test engineer (not really).
The Final Frontier
How many of us have sat around the television during the opening sequence of Star Trek: The Next Generation, loudly singing “DUN, DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN” along with that famous brass-heavy intro? We may have all committed that now-sacred opening speech to memory, but we could’ve never done it as adorably as this 4-year-old boy.
It's the End of the World as We Know It
Consider your most recent nightmare, one that caused you to bolt upright in bed, quaking in fear. Did it involve a Furby? If not, now it will. You’re welcome!
You may remember the Furby as an animatronic stuffed animal from the ’90s that your parents once bought you for Christmas. It was fun to play with for an hour, but after a while grew so annoying and so creepy that you hid it in the basement and told you parents you lost it (like, hypothetically).
For no reason other than the fact that children are weird and sometimes terrible, Furbies were wildly popular in the ’90s. So naturally, its developer, Hasbro, has decided to revamp this gurgling, fur-covered nightmare for the digital age. God bless America.