A user.

Dogs, creatures that lack opposable thumbs and thus the ability to read or operate any device, now have a social network–sort of. Where My Dogs At, a new, grammatically incorrect app, that locates nearby dog-friendly locales and rates them with user reviews. Think Yelp for animals that make that noise a lot.

And it's so quirky, as the Los Angeles Times notes. Instead of "checking in" to your favorite dog-friendly patio, one "marks their territory." If a place meets the butt-sniffing approval test, you give it a “paw of approval.” Users can create a Facebook-like profile to meet other dog owners and set up profiles for their dogs. Currently free for iPhone owners (Android will launch soon), it plans to make money by offering a fee to access "secret data," like hidden dog trails.

The app's orange-hued, grid-like layout coincidentally looks like that of gay meet-up app Grindr or Scruff. Incidentally, in the latter you send out "Woofs" to people you like, so we'll chalk this up to a missed opportunity.

(Photo: Let's Unlock iPhone)

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman is worried about our state's significant uptick in phone thefts, but that's really more Tim Cook's problem. Bloomberg reports that Mr. Schneiderman has penned a letter to tech giants like Google and Apple asking them why, if you guys are capable of making face computers and cars that drive themselves, can't you make phones unstealable?

“I seek to understand why companies that can develop sophisticated handheld electronics, such as the products manufactured by Apple, cannot also create technology to render stolen devices inoperable and thereby eliminate the expanding black market on which they are sold,” Mr. Schneiderman wrote in an open letter to Apple CEO Tim Cook. In other words: we can put a man on the moon and I still have to deal with this shit?

Mr. Schneiderman also emphasized that it would be a shame if companies like Apple were profiting off of selling replacement devices when they could easily take steps to minimize phone theft.

Mr. Cook reportedly responded by shoving his hands into his pockets and innocently whistling while drifting away.

You can do this. (Photo: Vice)

If one of your deepest desires is to strip Drake's Crossfit-sculpted body naked, only to reapply this season's YOLOiest gear, then your wish has now come true. There’s a free iPhone app called “Dress Up! Drake Edition,” where you can treat Drake like a virtual paper doll. No thinking is needed, just a fashionable eye for knowing which shiny chain matches his hot lil' face.

The app's VERY CLEVER description explains it well:

If you like dress up games, this one is the BEST I EVER HAD! Dress Drake up in FANCY outfits when he's out making HEADLINES! With head turning outfits, Drake will never have anyone "MISS ME" any more! You'll never be bored - with hundreds of items to mix and match, try different looks to FIND YOUR LOVE and keep making outfits FOREVER!

It's a full-bodied experience, too. You can change the background, Drake's chains, swaggy sweaters, t-shirts, and slim-fit pants to make him go from strip club to concert in a matter of seconds.

Now when will there be an app where Drake murders your vagina? Asking for a friend.

(H/T Lindsey Weber)

This thing. (Photo: BBC)

Apparently there's nothing you can't make using a 3D printer. That's what obviously bored European designer Alan Nguyen has proved with his creation. It's a Croc-like shoe (a.k.a. the peak of high fashion) that consists of lumped-together iPhone cases as the platform, alongside a slot to hold your Apple device. Who needs their phone in an easily accessible place anyway?

Mr. Nguyen told the BBC that the wedge is fully functional and called it "pretty comfortable." That doesn't help its ugliness though. He works for Freedom of Creation, a 3D printing studio in Amsterdam and designed the shoe to test copyright limitations.

To add to the insufferable factor, Mr. Nguyen also related his job of designing very practical things using a 3D printer to a DJ:

"We are like DJs," he said, "because they take other people's things and make something completely new." The iPhone shoe is a "mash up", he explained, as it contains other designers' case designs along the base of the heel.

So, there you have it: 3D-printed shoes are the next EDM mashups if you needed something else in your life to avoid.

Juuuust right. (Photo: Apple.com)

There are so many ways to steal an iPhone, and unless you just like the feel of it, shoving one up your butt probably shouldn’t be one of them. An ex-con tried pulling that off last weekend by tucking the Apple device up his tush in an attempt to hide it. However, his brilliant plot was foiled after the victim located the phone via an app, which pointed out his location at a West Village police station, and retrieved it.

Trent Patterson, 47, and four other suspects were arrested early Friday morning after allegedly robbing a Ted Baker boutique in the Meatpacking District, according to the New York Post. A food vendor saw the group break-in to the shop and called the cops. Following their arrest, they were transported to a station in the Sixth Precinct.

The iPhone 5 owner, a 27-year-old man, called the phone once he arrived at the station and heard his ringtone emanating from Mr. Patterson's butt.  The ex-con admitted to stealing the phone, although it’s unclear how long he had it stored up there. He was charged with criminal possession of stolen property.

Hopefully the owner has AppleCare.

(Photo: Technabob)

Every spring during the Qingming Festival, people in China honor their ancestors by cleaning and repairing their tombstones. Offerings are also made to the dead, typically consisting of food and drink, but because Chinese culture dictates that deceased relatives will need money and other material goods in the after life, many will also burn fake money or paper replicas of homes and cars as offerings.

Now, NBC News reports that a new material good has been deemed essential enough to offer to Chinese ancestors: Apple products.

During this year's Qingming Festival, fake Apple products made out of paper and cardboard were one of the biggest hits. One man, who makes cardboard replicas of luxury products like cars and houses, added Apple goods to his repertoire this year and said they were a hot ticket item. For just $7, you can offer your ancestors a Mac, an iPhone and an iPad, but if you want an iPhone 5, you have to pay an extra 50 cents.

NBC News notes that the uptick in fake Apple products being offered to deceased Chinese relatives indicates a societal shift in what's considered an important luxury item. Guess this means China has accepted Tim Cook's apology.

(Photo via Flickr.)

The technology behind iMessage, Apple's built-in chat service, is so complex that not even our nuclear-armed government can crack it. According to an internal memo issued by the Drug Enforcement Administration, and obtained by CNET, the government agency conceded that it can’t hack into the heavily encrypted software thus making it “impossible to intercept iMessages” between Apple devices.

According to the February memo, classified as “law enforcement sensitive," an investigation conducted by the DEA used a federal wiretap court order to enact real-time surveillance on the suspects. However, they noticed that not every message was being captured and figured out that the suspects were using iMessage. The DEA said only Apple’s iMessages are producing problems for the agency, and not your retro, green-hued SMS text

When Apple introduced iMessage in June 2011, it heralded the platform's heavy encryption. As of last October, iPhone users sent more than 300 billion blue-hued, emoji-filled messages. The company’s well-armed technology isn’t meant to thwart government investigations and it complies with government-issued requests like subpoenas, according to CNET.

Until the government can figure out a work-a-round, someone should tell Shoshanna that her emoji-laden text messages are safe.

Gone. (Photo: Flickr)

Leaving iPads, iPhones, and other expensive iDevices in unattended vehicles is like presenting robbers with a big bow and note exclaiming “Please have me!” So, in an effort to crack down on a rash of car burglaries plaguing parts of Brooklyn, the police are going to shame you.

Officers are canvassing the yuppie enclaves like Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens to search for exposed electronics in parked vehicles, then taking pictures to send to their aloof owners. The police will then send drivers a stern warning regarding their dim-witted actions by using the car’s license plate to locate their address.

Captain Jeffrey Schiff told the New York Post that the automobile creepshots are intended to thwart thieves from ruining your Angry Birds high score. Also, it will make the neighborhoods safer.

"We're trying to think outside the box," said Mr. Schiff, who announced the educational operation at a community council meeting last night. "The whole idea is to prevent the crime from happening in the first place."

No word on whether the creepshots will apply to non-smartphones, since thieves don't really want those anyway.

(Photo: How to get real)

It should probably come as no surprise to you that Facebook has employees whose job it is to read private messages that have been flagged as inappropriate, particularly if they contain malicious URLs or child porn. [BuzzFeed]

Zynga's first big real-money casino games, ZyngaPlusPoker and ZyngaPlusCasino, are launching this week in the U.K. At least you'll have the potential to win actual dollars instead of spending them on virtual crops? [AllThingsD]

Apple is finally beginning iPhone production this quarter so calm down ya fanboys. [Wall Street Journal]

If you live in California, you may soon be able to know exactly what personal information your telecom company collects on you. [Ars Technica]

Happy 40th birthday to the cellphone. Oh, how far we've come. [The Verge]

(Photo: Flickr/RobertScoble)

Morin needs a Mophie Path founder Dave Morin, he of popped collar fame, did a Q&A with Vanity Fair about his mobile habits. Among the gems revealed is the fact that Mr. Morin boasts a "custom-designed, one-of-a-kind bespoke app" that he built to communicate with his assistant. Guess gChat is too gauche?

But our favorite moment came when the Facebook mafioso revealed that he also has a newfound solution for the fact that his iPhone is always running out of battery. Instead of buying a battery pack or carrying around a charger like everyone else, Mr. Morin has opted to shlep around a second iPhone. "I have two iPhones, one for day and one for the night," he told VF. "When the day phone runs out, the night phone takes over. I never have to worry."

Cool. Cool cool.

NSFWCorp Big week for ex-TechCrunch writer and rabblerouser Paul Carr! He relaunched NSFWCorp and mailed 5,000 copies of a print edition of the site. He also scaled new heights in his commitment to transparency. Witness: Conflict NSFWCorp, a gallery of all of NSFWCorp's backers. Interested parties can buy a "room" in the House of Carr. Prices start at $3 and reach as steep as $1,400, with the top slot already filled by a generous $600,000 in funding from Vegas Tech Fund, Zappos founder Tony Hsieh's investment firm.

In a poetic twist on transparency in journalism, the first room at the top contains an illustration of the firm CrunchFund, including a rather svelte-looking Michael Arrington, a man famous for his conflicts of interest.

Gosling Parker Economically conscious walking Internet meme Ryan Gosling was recently spotted looking dashing in his Warby Parker frames. The company humble-bragged about the royal sighting on its Facebook page earlier this week noting that the frame is the "Preston." We share their exuberance. This is one piece of clothing we don't mind seeing him in.

Reboot that Ho? One hit wonder (#realtalk) Soulja Boy earned that coveted @Windows follow on Twitter. He tweeted "oh hey windows look at my be cool pic," along with a screenshot of the golden moment. What's next? A commercial with Soulja waxing poetically about his swaggy Windows-powered phone?

https://twitter.com/souljaboy/status/317682776788856833/

Living on the Edge On his Tumblr today, LivingSocial cofounder and CTO Aaron Batalion announced that he’s leaving the company.

"After much soul searching, I have decided to leave LivingSocial to pursue some new ideas. No new adventure to announce yet, just a urge to go create… that there is more to do."

That’s probably a hard pill to swallow for investors who ploughed $100 million into the company last month. Guess that makes tomorrow Schadenfreude Saturday for the roughly 400 staffers the company laid off last November.