Mr. Gates. (Photo: Flickr, ToddABishop

Are you being driven slowly mad by your keyboardless iPad? Bill Gates feels your pain. If you can't use it to open up an Excel sheet and do a little quick work in bed, what's even the point of any gadget?

Business Insider reports that the baby-faced billionaire appeared on CNBC this morning to chat about the blurred lines between tablets and PCs. That, of course, led to a brag about the Surface, which he boasted offers both the "portability of the tablet but the richness of the PC."

Unlike, let's say, those bricks made by his rivals down in Cupertino:

"He then said of people using iPad-like devices, 'A lot of those users are frustrated, they can't type, they can't create documents, they don't have Office there.'"

Gonna be awkward when Melinda tells him about Google Docs.

(Photo: Firebox.com)

Want to check your phone from the pool, but too afraid that your warranty plan won't cover water damage? The folks at Firebox have a solution for you: it's a condom. For your phone. Yeah:

"You never know when you’ll get lucky… enough to take your phone to the beach, or on a boat, or cycling in the rain, or driving a rally car, or riding a camel in the desert.

But thanks to the sleek and stretchy Condoms for Smartphone, you’ll never have to say no to an unexpected bit of excitement again."

They also make them for iPads, because you never know when you'll want to get hot and heavy with your electronic device.

Think it protects against digital STDs?

Problem child. (Photo: Flickr)

We’re all going to enter therapy for our addiction to technology eventually. Might as well start them young. That’s what they’re doing over in the United Kingdom to a four-year-old girl who, after using her iPad for more than four hours a day, became “distressed and inconsolable” when it was taken away.

Her mother entered her into a rehab after she showed "increased agitation" when the iPad was removed. Enter hero Dr. Richard Graham, the creator of Britain's first-ever technology addiction program, who claims cases like hers are growing and creating “dangerous” long-term effects. He told The Telegraph that the electronic form of amusement was preventing kids from forming IRL social relationships and leaving kids very exhausted from the constant swiping.

Like every other problem, he blames parents for not lifting an eye from their iDevices, which leaves kids craving them, too.

"They can't cope and become addicted, reacting with tantrums and uncontrollable behavior when they are taken away. Then as they grow older, the problem only gets worse. Even the most shy kids, when they hit their teens, suddenly want to become sociable and popular," said Dr. Graham.

Now frustrated parents, who are too scared of their crying children, are paying upwards of $25,000 for 28-day long "digital detox" programs in a London hospital created by Dr. Graham. Guess we know where Park Slope parents will be spending their summers!

(Photo: Technabob)

Every spring during the Qingming Festival, people in China honor their ancestors by cleaning and repairing their tombstones. Offerings are also made to the dead, typically consisting of food and drink, but because Chinese culture dictates that deceased relatives will need money and other material goods in the after life, many will also burn fake money or paper replicas of homes and cars as offerings.

Now, NBC News reports that a new material good has been deemed essential enough to offer to Chinese ancestors: Apple products.

During this year's Qingming Festival, fake Apple products made out of paper and cardboard were one of the biggest hits. One man, who makes cardboard replicas of luxury products like cars and houses, added Apple goods to his repertoire this year and said they were a hot ticket item. For just $7, you can offer your ancestors a Mac, an iPhone and an iPad, but if you want an iPhone 5, you have to pay an extra 50 cents.

NBC News notes that the uptick in fake Apple products being offered to deceased Chinese relatives indicates a societal shift in what's considered an important luxury item. Guess this means China has accepted Tim Cook's apology.

Gone. (Photo: Flickr)

Leaving iPads, iPhones, and other expensive iDevices in unattended vehicles is like presenting robbers with a big bow and note exclaiming “Please have me!” So, in an effort to crack down on a rash of car burglaries plaguing parts of Brooklyn, the police are going to shame you.

Officers are canvassing the yuppie enclaves like Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens to search for exposed electronics in parked vehicles, then taking pictures to send to their aloof owners. The police will then send drivers a stern warning regarding their dim-witted actions by using the car’s license plate to locate their address.

Captain Jeffrey Schiff told the New York Post that the automobile creepshots are intended to thwart thieves from ruining your Angry Birds high score. Also, it will make the neighborhoods safer.

"We're trying to think outside the box," said Mr. Schiff, who announced the educational operation at a community council meeting last night. "The whole idea is to prevent the crime from happening in the first place."

No word on whether the creepshots will apply to non-smartphones, since thieves don't really want those anyway.

(Photo: Crimint.com)

Andrew Auernheimer, better known by his pseudonym "weev," was sentenced today to 41 months in prison for exploiting an AT&T security flaw that allowed him to collect and publish the email addresses of 114,000 AT&T iPad owners. He alerted AT&T to the flaw before sending the dataset to Gawker, which published it, leading to an FBI investigation.

Mr. Auernheimer is part of the grey hat hacker collective Goatse Security, a division of the Gay Nigger Association of America, recently responsible for trolling the Daily Mail and unleashing a torrent of malicious spam on Tumblr. Back in November, Mr. Auernheimer was found guilty of "one count of identity fraud and one count of conspiracy to access a computer without authorization" for his participation in Goatse Security's AT&T hack.

The case is a controversial one, as Goatse Security didn't technically have to hack anything to obtain the information--they simply were exploiting a security flaw with AT&T. Still, Mr. Auernheimer must serve approximately 3.5 years in jail with three years of supervised release and a $73,000 fine to be paid to AT&T for damages (because AT&T is the real victim here).

Mr. Auernheimer's legal defense team attempted to argue that he did not deserve hard time, and instead just six months probation for the offense, but that plea failed.

According to Gawker's Adrian Chen, prosecutors cited a Reddit AMA Mr. Auernheimer did last night as proof that he would reoffend following his release. In the AMA, Mr. Auernheimer stated that he would run for Congress once released, and because of "congressional immunity" this would allow him to "drop hacks on the floor of Congress and be completely immune for doing so."

For his part, Mr. Aeurnheimer seemed to show little remorse towards AT&T. "My regret is being nice enough to give AT&T a chance to patch before dropping the dataset to Gawker," he wrote. "I won't nearly be as nice next time."

https://twitter.com/AdrianChen/status/313649642057371649

(Photo: Mac Observer)

There's been a lot of news recently about Apple product thieves who are rather careless when it comes to their stealing tactics. If you're going to steal an iPad, the first thing you want to do is probably disable iCloud, lest all your pictures get sent to the original owner. The second thing you want to do is to definitely not text the owner gloating about the fact that you stole their iPad.

 The Arizona Republic reports that after having a fight with his girlfriend, Jonathan Matthew Spriggs left her house with her iPad in tow, and texted her that they were breaking up. He also couldn't help himself from bragging that he'd taken her iPad as relationship collateral: "Thanks for the iPad," he texted. We can picture his smirk now.

Unfortunately for Mr. Spriggs, his girlfriend didn't find his 'tude very amusing, and reported her iPad stolen to the police. When the cops contacted him, he claimed he just took the iPad temporarily and was planning on returning it anyway.

SMH, folks. SMH.

(Photo: NSPT4kids.com)

If you've ever seen a child use an iPad, it's actually kind of terrifying. The ease with which they learn the swipe gesture; the comfort they clearly take from sinking into a Winnie the Pooh puzzle game. There is no adoption curve whatsoever: place a tablet in a child's hand and watch as they effortlessly cue up apps you didn't even know you'd downloaded.

It is for this reason that you should never give a child your iTunes password.

The Telegraph reports that a 5-year-old named Danny Kitchen (cutest name) racked up a 1,700 pound (about $2,554) iTunes bill in just 10 minutes. His father gave him the password so he could download the free Zombie Vs Ninja game, but it was a slippery slope. After blowing his way through the free add-ons section, Mr. Kitchen found his way into the paid section, and before his mother could stop him she had an iTunes bill totaling more than most people's monthly rent.

According to The Telegraph:

Danny had bought dozens of in-game weapons and keys on the iPad 3 including 12 purchases of '333 keys' at £69.99 a time and seven '333 ecstasy bombs' at £69.99.

He also bought five lots of "9000 darts" each costing £69.99, five lots of '4200 darts' at £5.49 each and additional ecstasy bombs totalling £3.22.

Luckily, Apple was kind enough to refund the Kitchens their money, since nobody needs a billion costly weapons in Zombie v. Ninja, no matter how bad you are at it. (If only all of Mark Pincus' customers were so willing to throw down for virtual shit.)

"It was a good game, but I will never do anything like this again," little Mr. Kitchen said. "I'm banned from the iPad now." Poor kid.

(Photo: Apple)

Apple's iPad is a magnificent tool that can be used for education, entertainment and communication. It has revolutionized the way we interact with computers. It is not, however, a weapon.

The Staten Island Advance reports that Tottenville firefighter Eric Bischoff was arrested on Monday for allegedly hitting his wife over the head twice with an iPad. The two were arguing over a photo Mr. Bischoff's wife had just uploaded to the Internet, but the police declined to describe the image's content.

Let this be a word of warning: just because you don't agree with your significant other over a Reddit picture doesn't mean you can assault them with electronic devices.

Mr. Bischoff told The Advance, "I pleaded innocent in court, and I categorically deny the charges against me."

(h/t Gothamist)

Solve the outbreak! (Photo: App Store)

The Centers for Disease Control (A-town, represent) has just released a new iPad app, meant to educate the public on how its "disease detectives," a.k.a. epidemiologists, a.k.a Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak, fight epidemics. It is called "Solve the Outbreak," and the announcement makes it sound like it is basically "Contagion: The Game!" The description: 

You’ll play the role of an Epidemic Intelligence Service agent. Find clues about outbreaks and make tough decisions about what to do next: Do you quarantine the village? Talk to people who are sick? Ask for more lab results?

One of the three cases that the game launches with: "Birthday Party Gone Bad." It's like stumbling across a lost edition of the Sim City franchise, except (this being 2013) there are of course badges out the wazoo:

With fictional outbreaks based on real-life cases, you’ll have to puzzle through the evidence to earn points for each clue. The better your answers, the higher your score – and the more quickly you’ll save lives. You’ll start out as a Trainee and will earn badges by solving cases, with the goal of earning the top rank: Disease Detective.

Please note: Conferral of the rank of "disease detective" does not entitle you to practice medicine in any state of the union, or anywhere else in the world, even in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

(h/t Boing Boing)