(Photo: Screencap)

Google made no attempt to top last year's I/O keynote, featuring skydivers. Instead, viewers were treated to a long, rambling meditation on progress from Google CEO Larry Page, who seemed none too keen on talking about Google Glass.

“Technology should do the hard work,” Mr. Page informed us all, “so that people can get on with doing the things that make them happiest in life.” He also suggested that, "being negative is not how we make progress." Somehow we doubt that outlook inspires Mr. Page to let his underlings off lightly when they screw something up.

The closest thing to a skydiver was when Robert Scoble popped up at the front of the line for Q&A, announcing himself as "one of the first glassholes." "Robert, I didn't appreciate the shower picture," Mr. Page replied.

But there were a few big announcements.

Google Maps Revamp The company has spruced up its flagship Maps product. Power the old gal up, and you'll get personalized recommendations and reviews from friends. Plus, you can now click on any point on the map and you'll get an info card with the option to get directions or open up StreetView--no more click-and-dragging the little orange man.

You also have the option of "EarthView," which is basically just Google Earth integrated into the service--no more downloading a separate app. You can now zoom all the way out to space and, apparently, see real-time weather conditions. (Not that that'll tell you whether you should wear a sweater tomorrow or not.)

Search You know that scene in Star Trek: The Voyage Home where Scottie picks up the mouse of the Apple II and tries talking to the computer? "The keyboard? How quaint."

"I dreamed of building that computer one day," admitted senior VO of search Amit Singhal when he took the stage to introduce today's big roll-out. "Little did I know that I would grow up to become the person responsible for building my dream." Google Now's conversational search is now available on the desktop (via Chrome), complete with voice recognition. You just say "OK Google," and away you go. This will make it incredibly easy to research luxury vacations while lying in bed eating leftover pizza, so thanks, Mountain View!

Plus Google Now is getting things like voice reminders and public transit info.

Google + A redesigned, card-based interface. Looks like the love child of Google Now and Pinterest. Photos look better. There are some hashtags. Zzz. Their "machine-learning algorithms" are also going to help you weed through your vacation photos. Thanks, HAL 9000! Also, they rolled out Hangouts as a cross-platform messaging app, available on Android, iOS, Gmail, etc.

Also among the announcements: a new subscription music service, atrociously named "Google Play Music All Access," to compete with Spotify; Google Wallet integration with Gmail.

Next year, Larry, bring the car.

(Wikipedia)

Since Facebook announced Graph Search last week, experts have been speculating at the implications for a certain Internet giant.

Well, a conference call to discuss Google's quarterly earnings provided ample opportunity to ask CEO Larry Page for his thoughts on the newest entry in the field. Unfortunately, Mr. Page—dogged by a mysterious ailment that has reduced his speaking voice to an asthmatic wheeze—dodged the question about Facebook’s product. Instead, he responded with an exegesis on Google’s own search features:

When we think about search, our mission has been organizing the world’s information and making it useful ... We've been at it for quite a while, and made all sorts of investments … and we’ll continue to do that. ... Ten years ago, what Google did is almost unthinkable compared to what it now does and understands. ... Look at [Google] Voice, which we've made huge investments in, and has applications in mobile. ... [Google] Now is another great example ... it's answering a question before you think to ask it. So I feel very confident of our product.

Google Now, if you haven't been reading your Search Engine Land, is the product that anticipates users queries, and which might be particularly useful to a certain weary-voiced tech executive. "Wouldn’t it be great if we answered your questions before you asked them?" Mr. Page said to the banking analysts dialed into today's call. "It would save you a lot of work."

And, presumably, it would save Mr. Page's tired vocal cords.

(Screencap: Google Translate)

Google's text-to-speech engine is arguably one of the most powerful in the world. It almost always perfectly captures our speech, making it far easier to speak our text messages than risk an embarrassing autocorrect faux pas.

We rarely have complaints about Google's text-to-speech technology, but there is this one really weird bug within the engine: When you open Google Now, click on the microphone to activate text-to-speech and ask the question, "What is a giraffe?" the phone becomes kiiind of possessed. While reading back the definition of a giraffe to you, Google Now randomly inserts the phrase, "And now he praises the iPad." Pretty awkward given that Google's currently dueling in the tablet market with iPad's own creator.

The bug's been filed with Google, and appears to have been documented as far back as October 2012, though it has yet to be fixed. Several people have chimed in to offer their own explanations for why it might be occurring. Writes one user:

More research shows it has something to do with the letters "e" "n" and "d" directly preceding " with".

"colored with" does not cause this

"sanded with" does not cause this

"rendered with" does not cause this

"pretended with" does not cause this

"end with" DOES cause this

"ned with" does not cause this

"tend with" DOES cause this

"homened with" DOES cause this

Other commenters have noted that the bug appears to be a text-to-speech engine issue not only affecting Google Now, but also Google Translate. Furthermore, the quote may have been pulled from an interview with Hearst Magazine president David Carey, where he admits to praising the iPad.

Wondered one user, "Could this be leftover test data from Google Translate development still lingering in the system?"

Hacker News users have of course taken the opportunity to force Google Translate to say that Larry Page praises the iPad. If you type "Apple hypnotized the Google founder with a magic wand, end with..." into Google Translate, you won't be disappointed.

(Photo: Google+)

Okay, we confess: We've never owned an iPhone and are head-over-heels in love with our Galaxy Nexus. But even the most hardcore of Apple fanboys have to concede that Google's new Android update, Jelly Bean, looks pretty sweet. Google Now seems like an easy way to seamlessly integrate your phone's functionality into your every day schedule. Plus, the UI tweaks make the whole Android experience much sleeker and prettier.

Oh, but that's not all. Jean-Louis Nguyen, a director of biz dev at GOOG, posted a video (to Google+, of course) of the beta version of Jelly Bean responding to over 40 voice commands. The phone gets it right every damn time. Even obscure requests like, "Where is that museum with Egyptian stuff in San Jose?" It's pretty impressive.

And with the news that Apple's Siri is wrong over a third of the time, Android is looking pretty good right now. Sorry, Zooey.

Meanwhile, over in Mountain View, the geniuses at Google forgot to measure at what temperature the Android Jelly Bean statue would melt. According to Google employee Dan Morrill, "Jelly Bean is so ridiculously hot that the JB statue overheated, and his head partially melted and popped off." That's one way to look at it.