Goopy. (Photo: screencap)

Yesterday, porcelain humanoid Gwyneth Paltrow stopped by a "Meet the Developer" panel at the Soho Apple Store (you know, the one that doesn't flood) in order to promote her latest moneymaking scheme, a series of goop-branded travel apps.

While she was at it, she deigned to explain the use case for this brand extension to the website GeekSugar:

"I had books everywhere of things that I loved in various cities and I just thought, "I would love to have it for myself." I started working on the content and I love having a place to go to where it’s places that I love and doctors that are amazing, just all that useful information. When I moved to England, for example, I didn’t know that if you have an emergency, you don’t dial 911. All that stuff."

Uh, should we be worried about Gwennie?

Fancy a swim? (Photo: Andrew Crump, Flickr)

Did you get one of those flash-flood warnings on your smartphone this morning, only to look out and see puddles, but nothing too major? Well, the New York Post found the flood, and it was inside the Fifth Avenue Apple Store.

An eyewitness reports: 

"I was down there at 5:45am because I had trouble backing up my computer and everyone started yelling," customer Errol Rappaport, 68, told The Post. "There was a leak then--boom--the whole thing opened up out of the ceiling. Then everyone started scrambling, moving tables...It didn't look like there were any electrical issues otherwise they would have evacuated the store."

By 10 a.m. most of the mess was gone, and the store stayed open in the meantime. An unnamed employee blamed shoddy construction last year: "They didn't do it right. There are large flat stones up there [that you walk across as you go into the store]. And with the heavy rain this morning, [the water] came through."

You know, fans of Falling Water might call that a feature, not a bug.

[h/t Gothamist]

A card from the Reincarnated Track Notes app.

"I'm still Snoop Dogg. Snoop Lion is an extension of Snoop Dogg. He's the fine-tuned Snoop Dogg, the perfection of Snoop Dogg in so many words."

The fine-tuned version of Snoop Dogg showed up an hour late to last night's panel at the Soho Apple Store. Given that he's Snoop, though, that's basically the same as being on time. When he finally strolled onstage, he was wearing a leather jacket and leather gloves, despite the warm spring weather. Also, sunglasses. At 9 p.m., inside the Apple Store.

He wore them the whole time. 

Snoop was there for a brief chat about Reincarnated, the forthcoming documentary about his trip to Jamaica, where he recorded an album of the same name, delved deeper into Rastafarianism and picked up the Lion bit. "I don't believe you choose the spirit. I believe it chooses you," he explained of his mid-life embrace of a message of peace and love.

But because this is 2013, the project is accompanied by a "Track Notes" app, created by the L.A.-based Cashmere Agency, using software from a local startup called Citia. And so we were treated to the sight of a gangsta rap legend pitching us on his app.

"You get a personal experience of the birth and the creation of the song, where it came from," he said. "A lot of times, when we buy music, we just download it so fast that we never get the story of the birth of the song."

"I go back to the 70s when I first was able to buy records, and the records would always have great album packaging," he added. "I just wanted this to be more up close and personal with a throwback feel to it."

But don't make the mistake of thinking that Snoop's online 24/7.

"I like finding things that are completely different, so it's kinda hard to say that my day is based on looking through the Internet or flipping through YouTube, cause I'm different. I don't do the Worldstar thing, I don't do none of that." He added, "I'd rather make news than look at news."

"And you're on Twitter. You do the Twitter thing," interjected the moderator.

"Sometimes," Snoop replied. "I do the Instagram thing all the time."

The geniuses always wanted an excuse to holler about iPad's manifold virtues. (Photo: Monday Note)

At the end of October, Apple unveiled a new Palo Alto store. You'd think that a company famous for its attention to detail would lavish special care on a new showcase just a couple towns over from Cupertino. But while it sure is pretty, Apple’s latest, greatest glass temple to minimalism is apparently louder than the most ear-splitting high school cafeteria.

Former Apple exec Jean-Louis Gassée stopped by recently, and he did not like what he found:

The store is impressive… but its also unpleasantly, almost unbearably noisy. And mine isn’t a voice in the wilderness. The wife of a friend walked in, spent a few minutes, and vowed to never return for fear of hearing loss. She’d rather go to the cramped but much more hospitable Stanford store.

All that lovely glass and stone makes for one big noise machine, all ricocheting sound waves.

Now, "my ears hurt" isn't a terribly scientific metric. So, like the Silicon Valley denizen that he is, Mr. Gassée returned a few days later with an iPhone app designed to measure sound. He found the noise level around the Genius Bar was over 75 dB, ten decibals louder than the street outside. It seems Apple is worried, too. Mr. Gassée even noticed a professional tool for measuring sound levels. Maybe Logitech has some noise-mitigating peripheral that would work?

To add insult to injury, Mr.  Gassée invoked another recent fail. “It reminds me of the Apple Maps fiasco: An obvious problem ignored.”

What are we, Lemon--farmers? (Photo: flickr.com/idovermani)

The Macy's flagship at Herald Square is currently in the process of a long overdue top-to-bottom renovation. She's still a grand old lady, with her wooden escalators and gleaming elevators, but her finery was starting to look a little tattered and we wouldn't want the place to eventually degrade into a Miss Havisham squatting next to Penn Station, now would we?

However, the New York Times reports that the proceedings have at least one preservationist a little alarmed. On a recent visit he noticed that the columns in the Broadway-facing "Great Hall" are missing their marble, and the chandeliers are gone. And upon whom does Theodore Grunewald cast blame for these developments? Apple, of course:

“I hate to say it, but what they’ve got is Apple store fever. It seems to me that every retail designer now thinks that copying the Apple store will land them the same success that Apple has had with the millennials,” Mr. Grunewald said. “But right now, I’ve got Apple fatigue, because everywhere you go, you see the same idiom of clear glass cases, glass banisters on staircases, minimal ceiling and floor detailing.”

A Macy's spokesperson defended the plan, calling attention to the plans to restore the grand 34th street entrance. She also pointed out that the marble was added in the 1970s.

At least they're not veering too far in the other direction and co-opting the twee stylings of so many New York startups--stripping it down to the bare brick walls and installing IKEA furniture. That would be a true travesty.

(h/t Gothamist)

[Dancers] will gyrate to Bob Dylan songs while vegetarian birthday cake is served and black turtlenecks are handed out to hundreds of Apple fans, according to the event’s organizers [...]

When the Post's article went live Thursday the duo had not informed Apple of their plans. In a CNBC interview earlier today (see below), Mr. Rogers and Mr. McElroy were again asked if they had contacted Apple and they admitted they had not and were just "gonna wing it."

Winging it must have worked--in a tweet posted shortly after 5 p.m. today, Mr. McElroy sounded pretty happy:

Thanks everyone who showed up out there today! was cold, wet, and great!!

— Brendan McElroy (@dr_brendan) February 24, 2012

A work in progress as of Friday (via Techfootnote)

It's hard to keep the development of the world's largest Apple store under wraps when it's happening in a building with 750,000 daily visitors. But the company is trying.

On Friday, 9to5Mac reports that dozens of construction workers and corporate reps were on hand prepare for an announcement expected tomorrow. Surprise! You know that Apple Store that's been religiously photographed and filmed for months? It exists!

Tomorrow's presentation is likely to make public the news of a grand (pun intentional) opening on Black Friday or later Thanksgiving weekend.

Techfootnote obtained some images of Friday's hustle and bustle. According to 9to5Mac, shoppers can expect the same "one more thing" showmanship they've come to expect from anything associated with Steve Jobs:

"In the images you can see what looks to be several large hanging boards.  The boards are hung on large hooks, which would make it easy to pull off and reveal what is behind the boards."

This week, the store is being stocked and the 300 employees who will man the Grand Central store are being trained in other Apple retail locations around New York. All employees attended a special meeting last night to go over policies and "loss prevention" over the holidays. No word yet on whether Apple's open stance on pet goats will apply here.

Do Hotmail jokes ever get old? Not in Betabeat's books!

Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!

GENIUS AT APPLE

___

[Today's date]

To Whom It May Concern,

Dear Steve Jobs,

Ever since I assembled my first iPhone from remaindered Speak-N-Spell parts, I have dreamt of becoming an Apple Genius. Surely, there must be no thrill greater than demonstrating one’s technical mastery in front of adoring, addled masses, blissfully ignorant of their own inability to grasp the most basic of computing concepts. I can scarcely imagine their gratitude when I recalibrate an iPad’s accelerometer using only a safety pin and a Jenga block!

Steve, I can and will do the following as a Genius:

-Challenge the backup habits of every customer within my purview.

-Suck the lint out of a clogged iPhone headphone jack in less than three seconds.

-Identify the six different types of schmutz most commonly found in a MacBook keyboard and the velocity at which Canned Air must be applied in order to remove said schmutz.

Like an Outback franchise in the Burj Khalifa, the stakes have never been higher, Steve. Apple didn’t achieve a $300 billion market cap by putting cow spots on its boxes! No! The company built dizzying tributes its own greatness--like the famous investors in Planet Hollywood and the pharaohs before them--stretching ever higher toward the clouds to demonstrate plainly, in a way its customers can understand, how each new purchase brings them ever closer to Divinity’s reach. God may not be there for you when your hard drive finally gives out, but an extended warranty may keep you in His Light for up to three additional years with the optional (but recommended) AppleCare Protection Plan.

Furthermore, the rumors on MacOSRumors are true; I did convert an Etch A Sketch into an iPad 2 ahead of its official release using only a magic marker and a grey market A5 processor.

It should also be noted that I was recognized by my local Apple Store as the number one Sales Rep for three months running until someone noticed that I wasn’t actually an employee. In fact, I was frequently heralded by my peers for suggesting the kind of out-of-the-box solutions that most people are frightened to say out loud in a modern republic, much less recommend over the loudspeaker, unsolicited, for the benefit of slow-witted barbarians who would certainly balk at a simple 128k Macquarium conversion. That’s because there’s no “I” in Genius, Steve. There’s just “US” -- You and me. Everyone else is on the Geek Squad.

References are available upon request.

Very Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Have a crappy Monday? At least you didn't fall down the glass stairs at the Apple Store in Soho. "It was 3 p.m., and I was waiting for the Genius Bar appointment," one entrepreneur, mortified, IMed Betabeat from the scene. "It was like a 40-something dude, well dressed, tye-dye jeans, like very stylish Euro. And it was a loud thud and people looked down, and a staff member helped him." (These are some crazy stairs with beguiling effects on walkers. 'I remember the first time I walked up those glass stairs, I felt as if I were floating into Mac-heaven,' one MacRumors forum member wrote.) The fall started on the landing so it was about seven stairs, the source estimates--"Like kind of a lot." And of course, the store was packed. We called the Apple Store to ask if such slips are common and a bewildered, off-guard employee assured us they are not. Also, they are still out of iPads.

Networking overload: You know how Adam Neary, CEO of Profitab.ly, wrote that blog post loving up on General Assembly and how it basically got them funding? Well, we heard his tech lead fucking hates it there.

Vindication: Betabeat reported last week that Know Your Meme would be bought by a media start-up. Now we know who: It's the Cheez. Know Your Meme founder Andrew Baron blagged up a post once the news leaked to let everyone know that he got lots of money for the company--a "super seven figure deal" as opposed to the "low-seven figure deal" that was reported--had plenty of options, asked his staff and they were all totally into it, and that there's a new start-up in Memetown.

Blind funds: Tip top secret rumor here! What London-based early and later-stage VC firm is opening up a shop in New York? Betabeat couldn't confirm on the record, but someone from the firm told a developer at South By Southwest and that developer told someone who told Betabeat but nobody knows what we're talking about! "London is such a weird beast from a tech standpoint," one blogger told Betabeat. "There's sort of one track of tech there that's 'let's copy this successful U.S. startup for the EU market' and then there are these really interesting leading-edge mobile thinkers, and then the money guys seem like a third, unrelated group." Maybe that's why nobody's ever heard of them.

Founders, beware: What New York tech goliath is rumored to have nixed a ready-to-close deal with a vaguely-similar David some weeks ago? Sources and passive-aggressive tweets suggest a certain hipster CEO has the power to single-emailedly quash the decisions of one of its investors, who supposedly figured the companies were like not competitive or whatever and waited until the last minute to check with the rest of the portfolio. When he finally did--oops--the deal became no deal. Drama was refreshed last week when a VC from the firm blogged about its lofty morals in the area of noncompetitive investments and the sacredness of relationships. Virtual group hugs ensued among the portfolio.