Holla. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

No one's turned up a Reddit account or Twitter handle for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. However, Reuters has managed to find what appears to be his long-abandoned profile for "a Japanese anime company run by friends," written circa 2002. His aliases included "The True HOOHA" and "Phish."

Because let's face it, that's pretty much what all of us were doing on the Internet in the early 2000s. (This reporter frequented a "Wheel of Time" fan site, for example!)

What Reuters found is pretty standard stuff for an 18-year-old Internet nerd of the era. (The site was yanked after reporters reached out for comment, but Twitter users have dug up a WayBack Machine version.) Like us olds had to do before the advent of "likes," Mr. Snowden listed his many passions: "I like Japanese, I like food, I like martial arts, I like ponies, I like guns, I like food, I like girls, I like my girlish figure that attracts girls, and I like my lamer friends. That's the best biography you'll get out of me, coppers!"

He also called himself a "nice guy" (now, now, remember that this was pre-Reddit) and explained, "You see, I act arrogant and cruel because I was not hugged enough as a child, and because the public education system turned it's (sic) wretched, spiked back on me." Cheeky!

The profile provides still more completely useless information for the CIA agents no doubt turning Hong Kong upside down in search of Mr. Snowden right this very minute. He writes of his skill at Tekken, his good times at Otakon, his love of the Baltimore Orioles and admits to preferring purple-tinted sunglasses. Again, it was the early 2000s.

What we wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall as middle-aged NSA agents attempt to draw up a psychological profile based on this.

(Photo: The Escapist)

Love comes in all shapes, sizes and pixels. With emotionally intelligent robots on the way and virtual reality characters capable of catering to your every whim and desire, it's not difficult to see how the more introverted among us might find themselves in love with a 2D heroin. In Japan, there's an entire culture surrounding the dudes-in-love-with-inanimate-objects meme: remember that New York Times pillow story?

Still, when you finally resign yourself to marrying a meatbag, you should probably surrender your virtual girlfriend before any jealousy can fester. After all, what human could ever hope to live up to the perfection of an anime character?

It's inadvisable, however, to invite your virtual girlfriend to your wedding, which is exactly what an Otaku groom in Japan did. In love with a dating sim from the site Love Plus, the man--who works at Comiket, natch--even reserved a place setting for his virtual girlfriend; he placed the handheld Nintendo DS displaying his digital lover onto the table among the china and fancy silverware so that she could enjoy the nuptials with the rest of the real life guests.

According to The Escapist, the man's wife--who initially seemed okay with the weird virtual threesome--soon decided that in order to live happily ever after, she had to destroy the virtual girlfriend. Thus, she took a hammer and smashed the shit out of the Nintendo DS, taking the life of the poor Love Plus sim. The groom, perhaps resigned to his fate of living the rest of his life with an actual human being, joined in, reportedly with "tears in his eyes."

Ah, Japan. You continue to be the best.

Tentacle Bento (kickstarter.com)

Even on the sex-swathed Internet, there are still some things considered too taboo for mainstream consumption. While a search for "tentacle porn" on XXX sites would undoubtedly yield at least hundreds of results, crowdfunding platform Kickstarter is publicly grappling with its anime animus.

The Daily Dot reports that a tentacle rape porn-themed card game that had raised more than double its funding goal was canceled by Kickstarter, due to its graphic material. As Twitter user @VonRosceau tweeted, "Kickstarter didn't want a game about raping teenage girls with tentacles funded under their name today. Manchildren angry, nobody surprised."

According to the Daily Dot:

The game lets players assume the role of tentacle monsters disguised as buxom students at an all-girl’s school in Japan. It urges players to befriend “sexy” and “sporty” high school girls and “get your slimy tentacles on as many of the students as you can before time runs out.”

Despite the fact that the game's developer, Soda Pop Miniatures, issued a disclaimer saying that the game was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek spoof on actual tentacle porn, and that it did not condone violence against women, the Daily Dot reports that many gaming sites took issue with its subject matter. The fact that the game play revolves around kidnapping schoolgirls makes the light-hearted spoof argument difficult to buy.

Tentacle Bento fans, including one prominent Penny Arcade cartoonist, declared Kickstarter's move censorship, but it's worth noting that the project clearly violates at least one of Kickstarter's prohibited subjects, including "Pornographic Material" and possibly "Offensive Material."

Kickstarter did not immediately respond to requests for comment.