Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!

CREATIVE CLIENT MANAGER AT BUZZFEED IN NY, NY

[Today's date]

Very Sincerely,
[Your name here]

*NOTE: The following facts may or may not be true.

1. They hate cilantro.

2. Tyler’s childhood nickname is “Cameron.”

3. Both are one inch taller than the other.

4. Their parents didn’t get around to naming Tyler until he was 7 years old.

5. Never actually went to Harvard, but volunteered like crazy for the Crew team.

6. The Winklevoss Family made its fortune on Jeopardy!

7. Cameron LOVES the TV show Medium; Tyler thinks it’s just okay.

8. Put their pants on both legs at a time by way of a proprietary leg-sheathing device.

9. They aren’t just jocks – Cameron remains one of the world’s most sought-after hand models (Right hand, only).

10. Were part of an octuplet birth but killed and ate the rest of their siblings.

Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!

MARKETING AND SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER AT ARTSICLE

Want to help develop a brand without any BS corporate rules? Social media maven/ninja with vision? With us you can…

1. Own, manage, & write for Artsicle's "collecting art" blog
2. Start conversations with customers on Twitter, Facebook, and anywhere else you think we should be (Perk: having read @GaryVee's Thank You Economy)
3. Maintain a fun, authentic voice for yourself & the Artsicle brand
4. Bring your vision for our social strategy & work with the dev team to make it happen
5. Get your hands dirty in event planning, schwag creating, and other real life stuff

___

[Today's date]

Dear Artsicle,

First of all, I get it! Art + popsicle = Artsicle. Art you can suck on! No one wants sucky art, but they do want suckable art. It’s a brilliant idea. After all, art is nothing if not a visceral experience, right? I’ve always enjoyed Jackson Pollock’s work, for instance, but wondered why I couldn’t put my mouth on it. Now it seems like it might finally be possible, thanks to the magic of the internet. Artsicle, you’ve created the answer to a question I never thought to ask: Is there a website where I can rent art and lick it in the privacy of my own home? Turns out yes.

To be sure, my previous experience in New York area startups should come in handy here. When I worked for Kozmo.com, we helped our audience understand that free delivery of pornography, twin lobster tails and hot chocolate chip cookies (in under an hour) was not just a privilege, but a right in the New Economy. By the same token, Artsicle’s audience need no longer suffer the tyranny of art that can’t be returned or shipped off to the next foster family like a disobedient orphan. After all, who among us hasn’t suffered buyer’s remorse after quaffing a few too many white zins and shelling out for a Banksy only to find that you’ve bought a Mr. Brainwash? Hands high, now. I see you, Courtney Love!

The reality of our world today is that no commodity is truly valuable unless it can be rented and returned at will. This is as true of art as it is of cars, movies, tuxedos and bowling shoes. I don’t know about you, but my life is full of so much STUFF that I can barely move sometimes, let alone find the time to gnaw upon some of my favorite objets d’art. The wired set knows that ownership is overrated. To that end, I firmly believe Artsicle will change how people consume art in the same way Craiglist changed the way we view prostitution: Find a piece you like on the web, invite it over, then leave some money on the table when you’re done with it.

Finally, I’ll direct you to my popular personal blog, “Outsider Art” (and its accompanying Twitter feed), a collection of gallery reviews filed from outside of the gallery after misreading their hours of operation and being denied entrance. Years of working in social media has taught me that building a business around your passion on the internet usually leads to direct monetization, a philosophy shared by the legendary Gary Vaynerchuk, who also taught me that if wine is your passion, you can treat Twitter like one long, glorious drunken voicemail.

That’s all for me, Artsicle. If you’re looking for a forward-thinking social media maven slash third-degree black belt ninja who “gets it” and wants to help create shared experiences around art on the web, your search is over. I see my future, and it’s hanging on the wall, 30 days at a time.

Yours Sincerely,
[Your Name Here]

Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!

GENIUS AT APPLE

___

[Today's date]

To Whom It May Concern,

Dear Steve Jobs,

Ever since I assembled my first iPhone from remaindered Speak-N-Spell parts, I have dreamt of becoming an Apple Genius. Surely, there must be no thrill greater than demonstrating one’s technical mastery in front of adoring, addled masses, blissfully ignorant of their own inability to grasp the most basic of computing concepts. I can scarcely imagine their gratitude when I recalibrate an iPad’s accelerometer using only a safety pin and a Jenga block!

Steve, I can and will do the following as a Genius:

-Challenge the backup habits of every customer within my purview.

-Suck the lint out of a clogged iPhone headphone jack in less than three seconds.

-Identify the six different types of schmutz most commonly found in a MacBook keyboard and the velocity at which Canned Air must be applied in order to remove said schmutz.

Like an Outback franchise in the Burj Khalifa, the stakes have never been higher, Steve. Apple didn’t achieve a $300 billion market cap by putting cow spots on its boxes! No! The company built dizzying tributes its own greatness--like the famous investors in Planet Hollywood and the pharaohs before them--stretching ever higher toward the clouds to demonstrate plainly, in a way its customers can understand, how each new purchase brings them ever closer to Divinity’s reach. God may not be there for you when your hard drive finally gives out, but an extended warranty may keep you in His Light for up to three additional years with the optional (but recommended) AppleCare Protection Plan.

Furthermore, the rumors on MacOSRumors are true; I did convert an Etch A Sketch into an iPad 2 ahead of its official release using only a magic marker and a grey market A5 processor.

It should also be noted that I was recognized by my local Apple Store as the number one Sales Rep for three months running until someone noticed that I wasn’t actually an employee. In fact, I was frequently heralded by my peers for suggesting the kind of out-of-the-box solutions that most people are frightened to say out loud in a modern republic, much less recommend over the loudspeaker, unsolicited, for the benefit of slow-witted barbarians who would certainly balk at a simple 128k Macquarium conversion. That’s because there’s no “I” in Genius, Steve. There’s just “US” -- You and me. Everyone else is on the Geek Squad.

References are available upon request.

Very Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!

ANDROID DEVELOPER AT GROUPME IN NEW YORK, NY

You overpaid for the Nexus One and loved everything about it. Android changed your life, and now you want to change the lives of others by building the best Android app on the market. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. You want to be the Android person, and you love to own projects. You’ve also shipped a few Android apps (or one really good one) and know Java like it’s nobody’s business. Come and take the GroupMe Android app by the horns and be its daddy.

___

[Today's date]

To Whom It May Concern,

I’m writing in regard to the Android Developer position at GroupMe. As a tireless consumer of all things Android, I can honestly say that I eat, sleep and breathe Android. I also defecate Android, then analyze my stool samples to make sure that the quantities of Android therein meet and exceed my exacting goals.

Additionally, per your query, I believe I am uniquely qualified to take the GroupMe Android app by the horns and be its daddy. While other applicants may claim a high level of proficiency in mobile development, I feel confident that my experience in light domination and taurine roleplay truly sets me apart from the rest of the field. As an entrepreneurial self-starter, I will hit the ground running on Day One. After dazzling the app with my Object-Oriented Programming design skills, I will take it out for tapas before repairing to a motel I like near the BQE White Castle, where your app will receive the rogering of its life.

I have expert-level knowledge of the Android SDK.

Upon rising, I will realize that the app is barely conscious, weary from lashings I doled out while explaining my best practice philosophies within an agile project management environment. We will listen to the Paris, Texas soundtrack more than seven times in a row, until I begin to think I may be going truly crazy. Crazy like a Project Lead not schooled in proper Six Sigma methodologies? Not even. More like a Polaroid stuck to the bathroom mirror showing the app being walked through a White Castle drive-thru at 3am wearing nothing but a ball gag kind of crazy.

When, by some miracle, the app and I pull our weary bodies from the bed and stare at the charred remains of what used to be our clothing, I will demonstrate my iterative SCRUM mastery by assembling two fashionable togas that we will wear on the Express Bus back to Manhattan, a trip we will pass mostly wedged into the bus’s filthy water closet. With your Android app begging me for my Google Maps API key, I will see the face of Harry Dean Stanton before I climax for the tenth and final time.

In conclusion, GroupMe, I think you’ll find that I am a dedicated, solutions-oriented developer with a passion for innovation on mobile platforms. If you’re looking for someone to truly rock your Android app's world and leave it spent, half-clothed on a bench in Port Authority with nothing but a damning Polaroid and 4-pack of sliders to its name, you’ve found the perfect candidate!

References are available upon request.

Very Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Disclosure.