Mail model.

If you get over to Park Slope right now, you will see a giant purple mailbox at the corner of Eighth Avenue and 9th Street. You will be tempted to flick a smoldering ciggy butt inside. Don't do it! This is your shot at the big time.

Instead, step gingerly up to the thing and say something. The mailbox will actually talk back to you. There's a dude inside, with a camera. Now discard every last scrap of dignity you have—what did dignity ever do for you?—draw in a giant gulp of air, and let out the loudest, most ridiculous "Yah-hooooooooooo-oooo!!!" you can muster.

Don't forget to sign the photo release.

Congratulations, you are a dork.

Alex Blagg.

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA — As a leading tech professional and trusted social media strat guru, I am required to use the Internet almost constantly throughout the course of my day. But I also care deeply about the issue of privacy, and I've arrived at a fairly startling revelation that I feel compelled to share with you today: Google is stupid and evil, but Facebook is awesome.

Both companies are formidable juggernauts who cast long shadows over the digital landscape. And when it comes to searching for stuff and driving traffic to my SEO-enriched "content farm" crops, Google is great. But now they're trying to play around in the "social networking" sandbox, and have launched a new product called Social Circle that is manifestly evil and threatens our privacy to its very core. So how, exactly, is Google planning to destroy our lives with this new feature?

Man, Facebook is awesome. Sometimes I'll be poring over family vacation photos of some girl I met at camp this one time when I was fourteen, and I'll realize that I've blown almost an hour just hanging out and consuming content in this fun, casual, not-at-all threatening environment. Facebook is basically the master of Social Networking—that's why Hollywood made a movie about it called THE Social Network. They should be the only ones, because their intentions are pure and they would never do anything to hurt us.

Remember Google Buzz? Of course you don't, because Google is stupid. I wish they would stick to just search engine stuff and stop trying to mess around with social networking, because I just don't trust them, and besides, Facebook is the best. I would definitely "Like" it if nobody ever used Google's social networks anymore, but if Facebook made a Google Search tool of their own so I could never have to use Google at all, but only Facebook, I would "Like" that so much that Facebook would be forced to invent a "Love" button, which they would totally do because they are the best and really do love us.

Look, I'm just an unbiased web expert whose opinion is in no way influenced by corporate interests or high-powered PR trickery. (FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm Facebook friends with Facebook Marketing Director/CEO-sister Randi Zuckerberg, and we leave hilarious comments on each others' status updates all the time, and are both members of the popular Facebook Group "UGH GOOGLE IS SOOOOOOOOOOO CREEPY!!!" and often vacation together on Facebook-sponsored "Journalist Thank-You Cruises," but I think that is all pretty immaterial in light of what I'm trying to tell you here.) I'm just passionate in my belief that Google is trying to build a vast network of malevolent social media tools created solely to steal all of our ideas and then enslave us, while Facebook is just "trying to make the world more connected."

So as an advocate of privacy, and a free and open web, I beseech you trust me when I tell you: Google is stupid and evil, but Facebook is awesome. Need more evidence? Bing it.

######### FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE #########

Alex Blagg is the president and Chief Executive Strat Master of BajillionHits.biz. See his latest video here. Please direct all inquiries and interview requests to the Burston-Marsteller firm or Randi Zuckerberg at facebook.com/randiZ

Michael Yavonditte

Betabeat has only just launched, and already our "hash cred" is plummeting.

Hashable CEO Michael Yavonditte didn't appreciate Betabeat columnist Mike Taylor's "Taylor Tees Off" column yesterday—entitled "Hashable Is Worthless”—and wrote to tell us so.

In particular, he took issue with the following passage:

"Apparently, in Hashable founder Michael Yavonditte’s fevered mind the whole world is a series of concentric VIP sections one must navigate, only to encounter Mikey Yavo himself standing guard over the last velvet rope informing anyone who makes it that far, 'Sorry bro, you’re not Hashable enough.'”

Mr. Yavonditte responded on the record, via email:

"I do find the quotes attributed to me to be highly offensive and frankly 'lies'. I never worked any velvet rope and I never said a word about people being 'too Hashable' or not Hashable enough. It's just filled with lies. I don't like liars."

To clarify, the piece did not intend for the quotes to be read as actual, but as our columnist's projection of what might have been going on in Mr. Yavonditte's "fevered mind."

An editor for Betabeat wrote back to Mr. Yavonditte to explain that Taylor's article was "an opinion piece and intentionally, comedically extreme in tone."

Mr. Yavonditte replied, in part:

"No one read it as parody - not even in the slightest. It was simply a piece of trash - a mean-spirited article that everyone thinks is real, and which many are shocked by. I am not going write a single thing in response other than to put you on notice that I will come after you if I ever see such nonsense again. I may come after you anyway."

A new website, Betabeat launched with the stated intention to provide a more skeptical look at the New York tech scene. Like many journalistic outlets, we run opinion pieces as well as reported stories.

Let's get this party started.

A decade after the dot-com bust, it all seems like a hazy dream, doesn’t it? Like maybe it never really happened at all? Look around: The New York tech scene is as exuberant and as wild-eyed as ever. What in God’s name are we all thinking!?!

The last thing a scene like this needs is another tech blog rushing to aggregate the same hyperbole you can read all over the Web. Betabeat isn’t here to bring you the fifth take on the day’s funding news or another rundown of the cool new features in the latest mobile app update. We’re about the characters who make this scene hum: the ambitious young angels, the eccentric hackers and the non-stop networkers. We’re here to take you behind closed doors for an inside look at how the deals really get done.

About that exuberance, we understand the impulse. We get it. And from time to time, sure, Betabeat will shake the pom poms with the best of them. But expect a healthy dose of skepticism as well. We’re not cynical or heartless, but we’re not afraid to call bullshit when the need arises (whattup, AdKeeper!).

That said, we’re suckers for audacious, change-the-world gambles, and we’re all too aware that failure can often be a precursor to mind-boggling success. So along with those stirring tales of victory that keep us all in the game, we’ll offer the stories of the start-ups that are running on fumes, fumbling for a pivot, or hustling for that #tigerblood moment when their service will suddenly capture the eye of the mainstream.

There is something uniquely invigorating about building or funding a start-up in New York, where the growing tech sector sits just a few subway stops from the industries it’s so brazenly disrupting. But despite all the drama fomented by that singular proximity, no media outlet remains dedicated to covering the inner workings of Silicon Alley from the local level.

That’s our mission. It’s going to be fun.

—The Editors

Dear Josh,
My cofounder and I did a 50-50 split, and now we're at each other's throats. What do I do?
—Bothered and Bewildered

Congratulations for not calling your cofounder your "partner," as you are not a couple but rather shareholders in a commercial enterprise.  Personally, I hate 50/50, as it implies an perfect equilibrium in an imperfect world.

Somebody has to go. This is what separates the boys from the women, since at this point in the relationship the two of you don't sound particularly adept at working through the tough calls. So flip a coin, draw straws or beat each other senseless until you come to terms.

As for the stock, remember the immortal words of Aristotle: "The law is reason free from passion." You shouldn’t exit a startup with half the stock in the company, so whichever of you slinks away with a black eye must sell the bulk of their equity upon departure.

Presuming neither of you are crooks, possibly the most difficult and challenging part of the breakup will be maintaining an ongoing civil relationship. Basically you are now divorced corporate parents (one of you got custody) and for the sake of Junior, you need to behave yourselves.

[Note: I got the Aristotle line from "Legally Blond."]

- - -

Dear Josh,
My outsourced programmer just sent me a cryptic email promising the requested fixes would be completed "in due time," and hinting that his retainer doesn't cover "emergency fixes.” Should I sit tight or make a move?
Sincerely,
Losing Patience in NoLiTa

You are screwed.  Now it is just a matter of getting out of the relationship. (This is becoming a theme!)

As a general rule I don't like outsourcing for this exact reason. In my experience, the programmer always falls in love with his creation and for some psychotic reason (which you are going to have to spend much of the next phase of your life divining), is going to make you pay dearly to pry it from his fingers.

In my particular case (writing code with the early Prodigy Services Company, circa 1995), I didn't paper the deal properly. So on one perfectly timed day, the programmer starts dictating terms to me. Suddenly I was the employee afraid to be dumped! It wasn't so much the extra time and money that pissed me off but rather a feeling of losing control of the process. [Note: At the first possible opportunity, I got rid of this guy. Then over the next couple years I quietly found out where he got his subsequent jobs—all of which were decidedly short-lived].

Next time, follow a few key outsourcing rules to avoid such headaches.

1. Ask yourself, does the programmer love his mother? Remember you are in a relationship with this person and if they do not have personal integrity don't go all the way with them.
2. Get a prenup. Hire and experienced lawyer and don't skimp on the fees. An airtight contract will make for a better working arrangement for both parties.
3. Make sure that the code is well-documented and that you have real-time possession of all intellectual property (probably cloned).
4. If you are working off-shore, make sure to visit the outsourcing company on a regular basis. Get to personally know the people you are working with. Videoconference as much as makes sense.
5. Instead of straight outsourcing consider a mix of cash and equity. I work with replayful.com out of Uruguay in this manner and have had good luck with them.

Josh Harris is the founder of JupiterResearch and Pseudo.com and the ceo of The Wired City, a web tv network in New York.

Need some advice? Email Josh at askjoshharris at gmail dot com.