your health

Birth Control Microchip Lasts 16 Years, Comes With a Remote

It gets implanted in your butt.
Uhhh BYE. (Photo via Wikimedia Commons)

Uhhh BYE. (Photo via Wikimedia Commons)

There are a lot of birth control options out there, catering to various levels of effort you want to put into your pregnancy prevention.

But even IUDs, beloved as they are for their efficiency and practicality, need removal if you want to get down to some baby-making. Now, a company in Massachusetts is creating a high-tech birth control option that will make it so that you don’t even have to go to the doctor to stop the flow of hormones and get your zygote on.

The company, called MicroCHIPS, is fittingly creating a form of microchip contraception, Salon reports.  Bill Gates casually came up with the idea by “mus[ing] over whether it was possible to create a birth control that could easily be turned on or off as desired” at an MIT lab two years ago. Mr. Gates is seriously the chillest billionaire. He deserves a round of applause emojis for fighting the good fight to make birth control suck less.

The chip is now being tested, and CNET reports the trials are going well but it’s still not FDA approved.

The wireless chip would be implanted under the skin of your butt, upper arm or abdomen, the MIT Technology Review says. It would dispense 30 micrograms per day of levonorgestrel. The chip can hold 16 years’ worth of the hormone, amazingly enough. Patients and doctors could control the dosage remotely.

The chips would employ heavy-duty encryption to keep the device safe from hackers, Salon points out. Still, the thought of someone hacking into your birth control hormones is pretty terrifying. Hackers could not only turn down the hormones to get you pregnant; we’d imagine they could also ramp them up. Hordes of women would be left to devour pint after pint of chocolate ice cream, dealing with PMS pimples while bloatedly sobbing over radio jingles and antidepressant commercials. So we’ll probably stick to our pills until the whole encryption thing gets sorted.

When it does, don’t let it cross wires with the microchip in your fake boobs.

Follow Molly Mulshine on Twitter or via RSS. mmulshine@observer.com