Bad Reputation

Mysterious Software Claims it Can Cleanse Google of ‘Lies’ About How Much You Suck

But you're on your own re: deleting your most dickish tweets.
Guess this means no more Scumbag Steve memes? (Photo: Knowyourmeme.com)

Guess this means no more Scumbag Steve memes? (Photo: Knowyourmeme.com)

Are you sick of potential dates being turned off by your ex-girlfriend’s online claims that you were a coke-addicted, abusive mess when you dated? Then you will love a new website called Brand.com, which cleanses Google of false information about people, places and things.

Brand.com’s president, Michael Zammuto, told VentureBeat the site’s “patent-pending De-Indexing Action Plan is the first turnkey process that can permanently erase misleading content from Google, Yahoo, and Bing’s search algorithms.”

“No one else in the online reputation management industry offers this conveyor-belt style de-indexing servce,” he added.

But Brand.com won’t spill the beans on how its proprietary patent-pending process works. They claim the algorithm not only keeps lies and libel from showing up in Google searches, but also is able to verify whether or not the information is false so, sorry, you can’t just use it to stamp out all the bad online reviews of your business.

We’re not really sure how an algorithm could determine whether or not you were a shitty boyfriend three years ago. But hey, kudos to Brand.com for trying.

Whether the mysterious algorithm works or not, we doubt people will stop posting unfavorable reviews online any time soon. If it does work, expect a proliferation of apps like Lulu that can tell you about a boyfriend’s sexual prowess Google-free.

Follow Molly Mulshine on Twitter or via RSS. mmulshine@observer.com