oh ffs

Enterprising Writer Unlocks His iPhone 5S With His Junk

Video or it didn't happen.
Your dick works on this. (Photo: MacRumors)

Your dick works on this. (Photo: MacRumors)

The neat thing about the fingerprint sensor on Apple iPhone 5S is that it works. The not so neat thing is that it works a little too well. Over the past few days the Internet has been flooded with alternative methods to unlock the 5S that highlight the Internet’s inclination to exhibit its inner six year old. We found that nipple, cat paws and even feet all are capable of tricking the sensor. 

But then Andrew Couts, a writer for Digital Trends, landed in our Top Schmuck awards. Yesterday, he wrote a post proclaiming that he used his penis to unlock his iPhone. This is the freedom our grandparents fought for!

The enterprising Mr. Couts plucked off his cell phone case, unbuckled his belt and dropped trou:

 Unlike the knuckle and elbow, however, registering my nether region was a breeze. (It was quite chilly, in fact.) And not only did I successfully register this private part with relative ease, I was also able to use it to unlock the device.

“Of course” (always a catch!), Mr. Couts doesn’t recommend using your “junk” as a permanent unlocking method since plopping your dick on a phone isn’t exactly socially acceptable. He’s on the dick train 100 percent, though. He surmises that since fingerprints are easily transferable, perhaps “your manhood may be the most secure option you have.”

Sorry, ladies?

Follow Jordan Valinsky on Twitter or via RSS. jvalinsky@observer.com