shameless rumormongering

Rumor Roundup: Hermione Way’s Vibrator Gets $, Jay-Z Visits Facebook and Free Pineapples From Gary Vee

(Photo: Mobypicture.com, John Perry Barlow)

(Photo: Mobypicture.com, John Perry Barlow)

Game of Groans Photos from Sean Parker’s Big Sur wedding bash have finally hit the Internet, and they reveal an orgiastic confluence of fur, velvet, coattails, middle-parts and castoff costumes from A Knight’s Tale. Famous people and tech luminaries were abundant, but Mark Zuckerberg declined to attend, VF reports. He probably realized in advance that photos of him dressed as a six-foot-tall hobbit would have resulted in quite the unflattering meme template.

A photog shot famous couples doing their best melancholy-sexy-face looks into the camera, and VF posted a slideshow. We can just picture Mr. Parker standing off-camera,  barking commands in Elvish at the subjects of each photo. In one pic, Allison Williams‘ College Humor-founder boyfriend Ricky Van Veen appears to be mid-mortified-eyeroll as she does her best Arwen impression.

In another, Zynga co-founder Mark Pincus’s wife sports a knit cocoon sweater over her Ren Faire dress, making her look like she can’t decide whether she’s hunting Womp rats on Tatooine or taking a stroll through King’s Landing.

In a candid shot, Olivia Munn consoles herself with a bunny after apparently getting last dibs on outfits. In another pic, we see Mr. Parker clutch a walking stick/staff for no apparent reason other than a dogged insistence on pretending to be Gandalf, while Sting — who was apparently forced to wear a pair of jeans left over from an early Backstreet Boys video, poor thing — serenades the newlyweds.

Speaking of serenades, the couple’s first wedding dance consisted not of a Renaissance-era jig or reel. Instead, Mr. Parker serenaded his bride all about their shiny gadgets and gizmos by singing “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid, proving once and for all he’s “the girl who has… everything.”

The understated decor included “faux bridges, a ruined stone castle, a 10-foot Celtic cross, and two broken Roman columns that straddled the altar, beneath the largest tree in the grove,” VF reports. One guest said the event was “Citizen Kane meets Gatsby-like in its scale — but beautiful, not gross or overwhelming,” except maybe for the shiny dead pigs roasting on spits or the fur-covered beds or the newlyweds’ choice to dine on a “10-foot sofa-throne, their feet nestled in a bearskin rug” (come on VF, no pics of that?!).

Guests weren’t supposed to take pictures during the ceremony because, VF insists, “From the start, Parker and [bride Alexandra] Lenas had sought to avoid the spotlight.” And yet, the spotlight somehow found the couple — maybe it was the dozens of hairy white dining chairs or the canopy borrowed from the Quidditch World Cup that gave them away?

All joking aside, the attention to detail was impressive. Mr. Parker, may we suggest you quit tech and start your own chain of Renaissance Faires?

 The Voice Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian was hard at work recording a book-on-tape — sorry, audiobook — for Without Their Permission, his memoir-cum-handbook on becoming a web entrepreneur and “how the 21st century will be made, not managed.” Sounds vague enough to be intriguing. Either way, if he promises to do funny voices for every character, we’ll chip in for a copy.

Day 2 of #withouttheirpermission audiobook recording – this is so fun! Haven't found excuse for Walken accent — yet

A photo posted by Alexis Ohanian (@alexisohanian) on

Content monster Gary Vaynerchuk is sending pineapples to random people around New York City. Don’t believe us? Well…

The fruit offering was spawned by Mr. Vaynerchuk’s partnership with WunWun, the app that gives users on-demand access to whatever they need—kind of like an electronic, palm-sized personal assistant.

This isn’t the first time Mr. Vaynerchuk’s tried to give away on-demand edibles in honor of WunWun. Back in May, he made a similar public offering, but with bottles of wine. Either way—be it a bottle of wine or a spiky tropical fruit—we’re more than a little uncomfortable accepting on-demand edibles from a man who has people photograph him shitting on the throne of content.

User-Generated Content We’re starting to worry about AllThingsD’s Mike Isaac. Apparently someone showed him his profile on dude review app Lulu, and it’s not going so well. “jesus fuck — “mike isaac — appearance: 4, humor: 4, manners: 9, rating #meh” — I hate the internet,” he tweeted earlier today, following it up with it up with something almost unspeakable: “#wearsEdHardy ?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” He even began pleading with women like Wall Street Journal reporter Evelyn Rusli, “can you three boost my rating — sources say my numbers are BS.” Mike, it’s what’s inside that counts.

Self-pleasuring Guess everyone really wants to buy some fancy sex toys: Spokesperson and Bravo-lebrity Hermione Way announced via Twitter that the Indiegogo campaign for “Vibease,” a wearable smart vibrator, blew through its funding goal of $15,000 within 24 hours. The company is now up to $39,291. No one has bought the $5,990 pack of 100 vibrators–YET.

Cool dad New York Times media critic David Carr has devised a great way to find his iPhone and, believe it or not, it’s not through the app Find My iPhone. Instead, he taped a business card to the back of his device and a good Samaritan found it on the bus and returned it from whence it came. Pretty solid plan, especially considering Find My iPhone doesn’t even work if your phone’s turned off.

Fuck hashtags and retweets Jay-Z may have had the most entertaining 12 hour Twitter sesh a few weeks ago, but he’s still got some love for Facebook.  The hip hop star was spotted touring the Facebook campus in Menlo Park with CEO Mark Zuckerberg and COO Sheryl Sandberg, and of course, an entourage of starstruck FB employees.

JayZ, Mark and Sheryl

A photo posted by Sriram Krishnan (@sriramk) on