Parker Parade

Doomed to Forever Be Confused With Justin Timberlake, Sean Parker Laments Backlash to His Lavish Forest Wedding

Cry me a river.
(Photo:, John Perry Barlow)

(Photo:, John Perry Barlow)

Poor handsome, successful millionaire Sean Parker. Not only is he doomed to forever be confused with Justin Timberlake’s obnoxiously bro-ish portrayal of him in The Social Network, but he’s also been forced to cancel his honeymoon following the deafening backlash caused by his fantasy forest wedding. Can’t a super rich guy catch a break around here?

Ever since the news broke that Mr. Parker and his bride, Alexandra Lenas, may have wreaked Sauron-like destruction on a redwood forest in the name of loving and banging each other forever & ever, Mr. Parker has been forced to go on the offensive, declaring that actually he really cares about the redwoods. Who would get married there and vaguely destroy them if you didn’t really, really love them? (If you love something, set it free, but only after you shit all over it.)

Now, Mr. Parker has been fielding death threats on his Facebook page from “eco-terrorists” who are upset with him for messing with an ecologically sensitive area.

“There were people — eco-terrorists — on my own Facebook page saying, ‘Let’s find this guy and put him out of his misery,'” Mr. Parker told CNET. “Psychopaths are hunting me.”

Meanwhile, it appears that he’s taking the criticism pretty personally. “You could accuse me of being goofy, or whacky, but there was nothing particularly ostentatious about it,” he said. Yeah! What’s so ostentatious about a multi-million dollar wedding anyways?

The real problem with these media reports, of course, is the fact that Mr. Parker is forever fated to be confused with fellow handsome, successful millionaire Justin Timberlake.

“I suppose I need to get used to this, since I’m forever conflated with the JT character in the The Social Network,” he told CNET. “I’m no longer me. I’m this symbol, imagined in Aaron Sorkin’s imagination.”

If anybody finds the world’s tiniest violin buried beneath the rubble in Big Sur, you know where to send it.

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