The Amanda Show

‘Pieces of the Bong Scattered Like Pieces of My Heart:’ Woman Proposes to Amanda Bynes via Craigslist

Cute couple.
Is Amanda Bynes ready to take this Craigslist poster's hand in gay marriage? (Twitter)

Is Amanda Bynes ready to take this Craigslist poster’s hand in gay marriage? (Twitter)

A woman in Washington State proposed to Amanda Bynes last Sunday in a heartfelt post published to the personals section of Craigslist. That is, if Amanda Bynes didn’t actually write the bizarre missive herself.

“Amanda I would take your hand in gay marriage,” proclaims the 28-year-old poster, who identifies herself as “Melissa the Great.” She continues, “Nothing breaks my heart worse than the shattering glass of the bong from way up high… and you, to me, are way up high! Pieces of the bong scattered like pieces of my heart, And I want you to help me pick them up!!” How romantic.

Melissa the Great—who, might we add, says she’s writing from somewhere called “The Love Vault” (blech)—says she’s a lifelong fan of Ms. Bynes. But wait—there’s more. And it’s creepier. “You are so deep and you allowed me to feel things about myself, like how I can talk to myself and answer myself,” she writes, “…[You] allowed me to relax to be who I was — a costume loving, creative goofball with a camera just like you!!” Hear that, folks? They’re perfect for each other.

If Amanda Bynes were to accept Melissa the Great’s proposal, here are some of the things Melissa suggests the newlyweds could do together:

“I got half an acre we can buy dogs, horses, whatever.” (This sounds like a plus. Ask for a hippogriff, Amanda.)

“I want to take you every where like a young girl takes a raggedy ann.”

“I got a dad, a good dad and we can share him if you do not have a father figure.”

As if that’s not enough to get Ms. Bynes on the next flight to the Evergreen State, Melissa the Great makes a final, heart-wrenching plea: “Come live with me Amanda Bynes you are my greatest natural wonder in this environment. Hope this message reaches you with love!” Additionally, “I have not seem [sic] TMZ here.”

Now we’re just trying to decide: Is this a desperate fan with a poor command of the English language? A totally whacked-out psychopath? Or maybe—just maybe—is it Amanda Bynes herself? At this point, nothing on The Amanda Show would surprise us.

Follow Jordyn Taylor on Twitter or via RSS. jtaylor@observer.com