This Happened

Paging Dr. Flipper: Couple Planning ‘Dolphin-Assisted’ Birth

(Screencap: YouTube)

(Screencap: YouTube)

Dolphins are brilliant and majestic creatures that can be confined to captivity and forced to perform water tricks for Churro-eating tourists wearing sunglasses with neck straps, or trained to sniff out 130-year-old torpedos and enemy swimmers. In the wild, they are beautiful, sophisticated animals that are arguably almost as intelligent as humans.

Of course, just because they’re cute and smart doesn’t mean they’re capable of acting as midwives. Sadly it seems that someone forgot to inform North Carolina couple Adam and Heather Barrington of this fact. The duo recently traveled to Hawaii to participate in a “dolphin-assisted birth,” where dolphins will help them birth their child.

The Charlotte Observer reports that the Barringtons have flown to Hawaii to study with the founder of “The Sirius Institute, a consortium with the purpose of ‘dolphinizing’ the planet.” While there, they will work on forming an emotional bond with a pod of dolphins that will hopefully help Ms. Barrington deliver her son in July.

This is probably a pretty bad idea for a host of reasons, aside from the fact that their son will resent them forever and ever when he discovers the origins of his birth at some point during his angsty tweendom. But as Discover points out, dolphins are aggressive, prone to violence and rather rapey. Male dolphins have been known to gang rape female dolphins, and also seem to enjoy beating up and even killing smaller fish for fun. Not exactly the Flipper fairytale the Barringtons are probably imagining.

According to a Facebook page set up by the couple, they already held a “Dolphin Baby Party” fundraiser to help put together the funds to go to Hawaii. They’ve also decided to go “supernatural,” meaning that five months in they still hadn’t seen a doctor or midwife about the pregnancy.

“I will see one when I get to Hawaii for the dolphin birth,” said Ms. Barrington.

Cool. Cool cool.

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