Stormy Weather

Vine, Seamless, and ‘Say Yes to the Dress’: An Internet Preparedness Kit for Snowstorm Nemo

Brace for incoming!

You’d think after Hurricane Sandy, nothing short of the actual apocalypse could rattle New Yorkers. And yet, if Twitter is any indication, it seems there’s a fair bit of panicky flailing happening around the city right now. Well, buck up, because we’ve assembled a complete Internet preparedness kit featuring everything you might possibly need.

Maybe also buy some batteries, though? 

1. Information Sources: First off, you’ll want to follow the Wall Street Journal‘s Eric Holthaus, who will promptly freak you the fuck out with dispatches like, “If higher end snow totals do materialize for NYC, this blizzard could be among the top five since the Civil War.” (We saw that movie and it turns out Abraham Lincoln dies, so no thanks.) For sheer ALL CAPS HYSTERIA, it’s hard to beat the Weather Channel’s website, which comes with bonus livestream of star weatherman Jim Cantore and his furrowed brow from downtown Boston.

2. Playlist: Well, obviously, you’re going to want a soundtrack to the snowstorm. Here is a Songza playlist to get you started.

3. Entertainment: Absolutely no Finding Nemo, which would be like wearing the band t-shirt to the concert. Might we recommend House of Cards? The weather is scheduled to last until sometime Saturday, which means you’ve got plenty of time to watch the entire show. If that doesn’t appeal, might as well finally watch Freaks and Geeks, or the one-two punch of New York Times documentaries, Page One and Bill Cunningham New York. (Don’t watch The September Issue, as you’ll already be feeling frosty enough.)

Of course, you’ll probably get sucked into Say Yes to the Dress, regardless. 

If you’re not feeling a 13-hour television marathon, there’s the entire Longform archive. Might we recommend everything ever written by Texas Monthly? We’re not sure what to tell you if the power goes out. Maybe light some candles and try reading an IRL dead-tree book?

4. Food: Obviously skip Trader Joe’s unless you enjoy bread riots, and the Fresh Direct train has already pulled out of the station. That means, at some point in the next 24 hours, you’re probably going to want to order Seamless. All we’d say is: Don’t be an asshole, and tip more than 20 percent–in cash.

5. Ways to Document the Storm: When someone says “historic blizzard,” your first thought should be “pictures!!!” There’s even a distinct possibility of thundersnow, the most terrifying and awe-inspiring of meteorological phenomena. Well, good news: Vine isn’t just for porn. If you haven’t already, it’s time to download the app so you can spam your followers with out-of-focus video of flurries. If you don’t have an iPhone, however, you’re stuck with Instagram and Snapchat. Snow-day sexts!

6. Outdoor Activities: Here’s a Reddit thread devoted to places you could possibly sled, if you’re into that sort of thing.

6. GIFS! GIFS! GIFS! At some point your mom/cousin/best friend from third grade is going to want to know how you’re holding up, which means you’ll need more than a simple pic you can send. Let us remind you: No Finding Nemo GIFs. Try these instead:

Via Denise Maneter

Sad, cold crow via Denise Maneter

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7. Internet K-Holes: There’s no way to plan a K-hole, really, but we suggest starting with this Wikipedia page of conspiracy theories.

8. Coping strategies: If you’ve ever seen The Shining, you know that being cooped up inside can put a severe strain on one’s relationships. There’s Yelp if you suddenly find yourself in the market for a marriage counselor. Also, there’s always porn.

9. A digital snuggle buddy: Failing all else, there’s always the kitten cam.

Follow Kelly Faircloth on Twitter or via RSS. kfaircloth@observer.com