This Happened

Segway Inventor Can’t Stop Having Genius Ideas, Invents New ‘Diet’ Gadget to Further Enable Giving Up

Purge via stomach tube.


If Wall-e has anything to say about it, Segways–or, a form of wheeled transportation for people too busy to use their two legs to walk–are the symbol of the great American downfall. In the future, we’ll all be wheeled around while we snort potato chips and play Tetris with our minds.

Not content to just discourage people from using their bodies, the inventor of the Segway now has a new genius ploy to incentivize completely giving up: it’s a pump that sucks all the food you just ate right out of your stomach, allowing people to eat whatever they want without facing the caloric impact. So … kind of like scientifically-sanctioned bulimia, minus the puking part?

The Independent reports that Segway creator Dean Kamen has applied for a patent for his wondrous diet device, touted as an alternative to gastric bypass surgery, that allows a patient to drain their “stomach by connecting the pump to a valve surgically installed in their abdominal wall.”

Sounds awesome, except the pump is apparently having difficulty sucking out large foods, and some patients have reported “clogging,” which is as gross as it sounds. No pretzels, chips or steak can be consumed while you’re receiving crazy Segway-guy stomach pump treatment, so really, why even bother?

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