Deliver Me From Evil

The Most Glorious ‘Special Instructions’ Customers Have Requested on Seamless

"I smoked mad weed and I got a new video game so don't break your balls getting here."
Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 1.57.25 PM

Ubiquitous Seamless subway ads (Photo: Twitter/Caro)

Sure, social networks may know you better than Seamless–Facebook knows what you like, Google knows what you search for, Twitter knows who you follow, OkCupid knows how you like it. But ordering meals to your door is still an oddly intimate experience. Often you’re sitting in your home hungry, lazy, vulnerable to your body’s demands, and chances are, sporting attire that should not see the light of day.

Perhaps that’s why the New York City-based food delivery company gets such special “special instructions” from its customers. Seamless was kind enough to provide Betabeat the search results for particular keywords from 2012.. This is what they found.

NAKED

  • apartment is in the rear building, if you hurry up a naked chick will 100% answer the door for you. I win.
  • please deliver the food naked. thank you.

HIGH

  • I want a high five when you hand me my food
  • Please high-five as many people as possible on your way in

WEED

  • Entrance to basement apartment is on left hand side of building, through the black gate. I smoked mad weed and I got a new video game so don’t break your balls getting here.

PANTS

  • We apologize in advance if the person who answers the door is not wearing pants.

DRUGS

  • Extra sides of Kung fu ketchup and drugs

STONED

  • Red pepper and oregano please hurry I’m stoned
  • Come fast, we’re stoned.

DRAW

  • Please draw an epic battle between a boxing robot and a sexy pirate on the bag. Thank you in advance.
  • Please draw a giraffe on our bag! You guys are awesome!
  • If the pasta comes in a box, or any sturdy container, draw a ninja dragon on it
  • draw a cartoon pizza superhero on the box
  • Please draw a picture of a cat saying “hello there!” on the box/bag.
  • Please draw a panda on the paper bag, my daughter loves pandas.
  • Please draw or attempt to draw a whale on the bag.
  • Please include a side of ranch dressing. and draw a cool cartoon on the pizza box. :)
  • Please draw Santa Clause riding a dragon on the bag
  • If you can, please draw something interesting on the bag. I want to win a bet.  (please)
  • Draw a wizard on the box/bag
  • Please draw on the box a stick-figure man in a bowtie fighting a dragon, shouting the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAY!!”
  • On the inside of the large pizza box, can you draw a picture of a bear riding a whale, please? Thank you much!
  • Please draw your favorite animal on the box if you have the time.
  • Draw a picture of a cat on the box ^_^
  • please draw a smiley face on a napkin and include.
  • Draw a zombie ninja fighting a cyborg pirate on the box
  • Please draw a power ranger on the bag
  • Please draw a smiley face on the bag! And please include chopsticks (we just moved in and dont have silverware at the moment)
  • Can you draw Stewie Griffon, from the show Familly guy?
  • please draw a large octopus on the bag
  • please draw a dinosaur ultimate fighting a zombie with a monocle on the delivery bag.
  • Please draw a picture of your favorite thing in the world on the delivery bag!  :)
  • Please draw a dragon fighting a unicorn on the receipt

All those pleases! So polite.

Follow Nitasha Tiku on Twitter or via RSS. ntiku@observer.com