Like Romeo and Juliet. (Photo: Robert King/Vice)

American treasure John McAfee has officially returned to U.S. soil following his dramatic escape from Belize, and has immediately begun doing what he does best: messin' with tech reporters.

In an interview on CNBC's Squawk Box this morning, Mr. McAfee appeared grizzled in a navy blue blazer, swirling a piece of candy--perhaps a Nicorette product?--haphazardly around in his mouth as he deigned to answer questions from Andrew Ross Sorkin.

His responses were as delightfully insane as they usually are. Come, journey with us through the mind of brainy paranoiac and ephebophilia enthusiast John McAfee.

On whether or not he really does bath salts:

Child, please!  "I have the resources to do good drugs," Mr. McAfee said, sounding slightly miffed that he would ever do a drug manufactured in a midwestern trailer.

On his affinity for hoaxes:

"I love elaborate hoaxes but not ones that result in my detention in Guatemalan jails." C'mon now.

But then, Mr. Mcafee added, "I did a hoax on bath salts once," negating his prior claim that he likes only fancy drugs.

On how much money he actually has:

"I have no clue what I am worth, probably around $5 million." :(

On what he'll do to make money after this whole hooplah dies down:

"I'll do something... I'll shine shoes." A noble profession!

CNBC also reported that Mr. McAfee's girlfriend has escaped Belize, but did not clarify whether it meant the 20-year-old or the 17-year-old. Godspeed, Sam and Amy!