When we first caught wind of the fact that Fujitsu had finally, finally answered our prayers and developed the Floral Kiss laptop especially for people with two X chromosomes, we were so ecstatic we engaged in an impromptu pillow fight with our devastatingly beautiful female roommate. It’s a well-known fact that lady people don’t know how to use a regular computer–all those buttons, amiright?–so it was a total relief to know that there’s a company out there that understands that women prefer devices with names that sound like a tampon brand.
Though it does come with preloaded scrapbooking software, a diary and daily horoscopes, we were totally bummed to find out that our kissy-faced new laptop was not designed to meet all of our basic needs, like shopping and spending hours primping in the mirror. In fact, we found a number of things wrong with the Floral Kiss laptop.
1. It doesn’t come with a recipe app. What else are we supposed to use this thing for?
2. No automatic option to add our resume to Mitt’s binder full of women.
3. Does not 3D-print chocolate.
4. No flashing “slut” lights appear when we navigate to a porn site or Planned Parenthood.
5. It’s not actually floral-scented.
6. Calendar feature fails to track PMS levels and synch to husband’s smartphone.
7. Doesn’t come with spying software that allows your husband to easily check up on your browsing history.
8. Sex and the City is not pre-loaded.
9. Does not come with a camera that makes applying makeup easier.
10. Not enough motherf*cking diamonds.
Some companies will just never learn.