App for That

Synchronized iPhone Sex Toy Makes Long Distance Relationships Even More Awkward

Lonely ladies and neckbeards, welcome to the future.
04 Synchronized iPhone Sex Toy Makes Long Distance Relationships Even More Awkward

(Photo: Lovepalz)

In the post-AIM age, it’d probably be pretty difficult to find someone who hasn’t engaged in a long-distance relationship. Our constant communication channels and visually stimulating technologies make it pretty easy to close the emotional distance between partners on opposite coasts.

But what about that physical distance? For that, there’s LovePalz, for when cybering isn’t enough.

LovePalz is essentially an iPhone sex toy, which–groan–was basically an inevitable technological advancement. There are two different devices, the “Hera,” which is basically a lady vibrator, and the “Zeus” which is the equivalent for dudes. Both are motion sensitive, and when you fire up the LovePalz iPhone app, they respond to each other based on data they receive:

The speed sensor in Zeus will detect the speed of male action and send to the Hera, the female toy. Hera will reflect and match Zeus’s speed automatically. Hera on her part, will sense the pressure inside the toy based on the female’s reaction and then send that information to Zeus. Zeus’s air pump will configure its tightness automatically based on the received signal.

It’s almost like you’ll never have to have sex with a real person again. Thanks, LovePalz!

Unsurprisingly, LovePalz didn’t meet Kickstarter’s stringent project requirements and had to spin off into a Kickstarter-like skin of its own. Don’t be fooled by the site’s sketchy design it’s not a project that you’re backing. If you sign up, you’ll be preordering a device.

The site design isn’t the only thing that might raise some red flags, though. One Reddit user pointed out that he has met the LovePalz proprietors and “their names and majors are not what was said in the video,” while indicating a handful of other potential mistruths on the LovePalz page.

The decision is yours. Guess it simply depends on how frustrated videochat makes you–or how long it will take for you to write an automatic simulation program for the Zeus so that you can use it all by your lonesome. Afterall, isn’t that a neckbeard’s dream?

“I can totally see some guy using both pieces on himself,” deadpanned one Redditor.

“Now You’re Playing With Portals!” quipped another.

Follow Jessica Roy on Twitter or via RSS. jroy@observer.com