BEHOLD. (Photo: twitter.com/DiarioLaPrensa)

Here we are, gathered once again for what's always expected to be an ecstatic cross between Christmas and the Rapture: Apple's latest media event and the unveiling of the latest iPhone. (Also, the iPhone's less exciting little sister, the iPod, got a bigger screen and an FM tuner, and the Touch now comes in several colors.)

Tim Cook rattled off facts like the iPad accounts for 91 percent of tablet-drive web traffic and that there are now 700,000 apps available for download in the store. He apparently restrained himself from adding, "Ya burnt, Bezos!" though no doubt it required substantial self-control.

Then came the moment of truth when, according to the various live blogs, the iPhone 5 rose up from the floor on a spinning pedestal. The new iPhone--shipping September 21, ladies and gentlemen, with preorders starting September 14--is wider, with a brand-new four-inch display. It's now a mere 7.6mm thick. That means bigger apps and widescreen videos, as well as universal rejoicing among all the peoples of the land.

A 16GB model will set you back a mere $199, with a two-year contract. The new processor, the A6, promises faster performance across the board--as much as twice as fast. You can now even take panoramic photos, obliterating the last great use case for the dedicated digital camera.

Perhaps you're not quite getting it? Let Apple spell it out for you: "The ocean looks bluer in the iPhone 5. Kids look happier and the world is a more beautiful place."

Luckily, we were able to get our hands on a bit of found footage:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y15NnGZIBuM

The ceremonial tossing of the iPhone 4 into the ocean will be held later this afternoon, at beaches around the country.

As for the non fanboys out there? Time to cut a deal:

It seriously is time to go shopping for a new old iPhone sfbay.craigslist.org/search/moa?que…

— Reyhan Harmanci (@harmancipants) September 12, 2012

But perhaps paling in comparison is the introduction of something so groundbreaking, so mind-blowing, that surely the world of music will never be the same again. That is, of course, the "EarPod." No, that's not the casing for the alien worm dropped into Chekhov's ear during Wrath of Khan. It's the new headphones that Apple apparently took three years to develop. They are designed to "direct sound into the ear," which is great news because it means that there is no chance today's teenagers will be able to hear by the time they're 80.

They look like sentient robots from the planet Zorg, and they're available for purchase today.

Concluding the worship service was a performance by the Foo Fighters. Because rock and roll is dead.