You, sir, are no Jeff Bezos.

With daily deals shrinking and Groupon stock tanking, CEO Andrew Mason spent yesterday’s earnings call trying to hype Groupon Goods to sell discounted merchandise to customers. The company’s long-awaited moment of reckoning practically moved Farhad Manjoo to song. [Slate]

Twitter cofounder Evan Williams unveiled Obvious Corp’s new project: a publishing tool called Medium. It’s “an evolutionary leap,” if he does say so himself. [Medium]

How is Steve Ballmer planning to move Microsoft Surface tablets off the shelves? At the low, low price of $199! Please tell us he’s starring in an infomercial to go along with it. [PC World]

OrderAhead, a Y Combinator startup that lets you order takeout in advance and pick it up yourself, raised $2.3 million from Eric Schmidt, Quora’s Adam D’Angelo, and others. Like Seamless, but with more exercise. [TechCrunch]

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