It's the End of the World as We Know It

Gaze Upon Your Terrifying New God, the Revamped Furby

It's hungry...for blood.
 Gaze Upon Your Terrifying New God, the Revamped Furby

(Photo: Club 937)

Consider your most recent nightmare, one that caused you to bolt upright in bed, quaking in fear. Did it involve a Furby? If not, now it will. You’re welcome!

You may remember the Furby as an animatronic stuffed animal from the ’90s that your parents once bought you for Christmas. It was fun to play with for an hour, but after a while grew so annoying and so creepy that you hid it in the basement and told you parents you lost it (like, hypothetically).

For no reason other than the fact that children are weird and sometimes terrible, Furbies were wildly popular in the ’90s. So naturally, its developer, Hasbro, has decided to revamp this gurgling, fur-covered nightmare for the digital age. God bless America.

Gizmodo did an extensive review of the new Furby, which comes in LSD colors and boasts LED eyes. Their findings will churn your stomach:

You don’t really “use” the Furby so much as you willingly subject yourself to it. The Furby makes almost constant noise in its own native language, Furbish. Chortles, whistles, grunts, whines, moans, screeches, incoherent speaking in tongues….

The Furby’s erratic mania culminates in its schizophrenic personality changes. It shouts, “I’M CHANGING,” squeezes its eyes shut, and then reopens them. Now it’s changed. During our testing, it remained in some sort of demonic phase, with slit eyes, a raspy voice, and lots of cackles. Once its eyes changed into cows, and then cherries, and it appeared intoxicated. Bath salt Furby lasted for a while longer, before suddenly, inexplicably reverting to docile.

The Mayans may have been right about 2012. Bow to your new overlord, the Furby.

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