What Is This I Can't Even

A Point-by-Point Response, in Playlist Form, to the New York Times’ ‘Dating Profiles’ for Rich Tech Dudes

Okay, maybe we should have made a Spotify playlist.
800px marilyn monroe betty grable and lauren bacall in how to marry a millionaire trailer A Point by Point Response, in Playlist Form, to the <em>New York Times</em> Dating Profiles for Rich Tech Dudes

The cast of How to Marry a Millionaire admires the Times‘ brass. (Wikimedia Commons)

The old Grey Lady sure has outdone herself. Today the New York Times treated us to “Bachelorville’s Big Fish,” about the Valley’s population of wealthy, eligible bachelors who, it is universally acknowledged, must be in want of a wife. Even better: It’s complete with a slideshow by the oh-my-God-are-you-serious name of “Dating Profiles of High-Tech, High-Worth Bachelors.” We’re sure that many of these gentlemen are lovely, but really?

Rather than get our knickers in a twist re: gold-digging and its inherent objectionability, we’ve decided to take a different tack and respond to each “dating profile” with a popular song. To wit: 

Ben Rattray, cofounder and CEO, Change.org

“At 31, Mr. Rattray still drives a 1996 Toyota Camry and shares a cramped Noe Valley apartment in San Francisco with three college buddies.”

That is a man who is hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride, trying to holler at me. And to that we say, “No Scrubs,” by TLC.

Larry Ellison, CEO, Oracle

“At 67, Mr. Ellison might not fit everyone’s definition of ‘eligible.'”

He probably thinks this entire slideshow is about him. Ergo: “You’re So Vain,” by Carly Simon.

Tony Hsieh, CEO, Zappos.com

“‘I don’t use the term “dating,” ‘ he explained in a recent e-mail. ‘My current philosophy is to not look at things as black and white,’ he said, ‘but instead to just enjoy hanging out with different people.'”

This is definitely someone that you will tell, as you break up with him, that if he liked it, then he should have put a ring on it. “Single Ladies,” by Ms. Beyonce Knowles.

Salar Kamangar, SVP, YouTube 

“When a network dating show recently approached Mr. Kamangar to appear as a contestant, it didn’t get far. Mr. Kamangar is as private as he is eligible.”

You know, shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing things in life you like to. “Ask,” by the Smiths.

Matt Cohler, Facebook employee No. 7 and general partner at Benchmark Capital

“Last year, he and his longtime girlfriend broke up, and he now finds himself looking for company in the brownstone that he recently bought in downtown Manhattan, which he has decorated with works by Richard Avedon and Vienna Secession-period furniture.”

Sounds like someone could use a little more time, and no one wants to be a rebound gal. Also: he apparently turned to tech when he “struck out trying to make it as a saxophonist.” So we’re going to go with one of our pop favorites, “Careless Whisper,” by George Michael.

Pete Cashmore, CEO, Mashable

 “An anonymous Twitter account called @hotpetecashmore is dotted with tweets like ‘Am I the only one feeling hot, hot, hot tonight? — Pete.'”

Given that we cannot possibly argue with Mr. Cashmore’s good looks, we’ll just go ahead and tip our hat. “Hot Hot Hot,” Buster Poindexter.

Matt Mullenweg, founder, WordPress and Automattic

“Still only 28, the boyish blond with the snowboarder stubble [Wordpress founder Matt Mullenweg] is now worth an estimated $40 million.”

We’re feeling it, Mr. Mullenweg. “Is This Love,” by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Only until the next time our CMS does something wacky, though.

Jack Dorsey, cofounder, Twitter and Square

“I’ve learned a lot from ballet,” he was quoted as saying. “I appreciate the coordination and the discipline. Making something simple is very difficult.”

As much as that man works, he’ll need a time machine to carve out the proper space for a relationship. “Dancing with Myself,” by Billy Idol. 

And last but certainly not least:

Aaron Levie, cofounder, Box

“Last September, [Box cofounder Aaron Levie] played ringmaster at the company’s first conference, BoxWorks, showing up in orange sneakers and firing up a crowd of hundreds with motivational pronouncements before handing out free Motorola XOOM tablets for everyone, Oprah-style, and giving over the stage to Third Eye Blind.”

We wish the New York Times had stepped back from this particular ledge, and we want something else. Our ruling: “Semi-Charmed Life,” Third Eye Blind.

Follow Kelly Faircloth on Twitter or via RSS. kfaircloth@observer.com