The worst product on the market, the new iPad. (apple.com)

It was the fanboy gasp heard 'round the world: the newest incarnation of the iPad would not follow the tradition of a new number for every iteration. Instead of the iPad 3, the new iPad would be just that: The New iPad. Some thought the move genius; others claimed deceased CEO Steve Jobs would never have allowed the release of an unnamed product. A comfortably predictable company going in a "surprise" direction? The Internet will have none of that!

Now, reviews of the new iPad are out, and everyone--even infamous Apple obsessive David Pogue--has something to complain about.

Oh cruel, cruel world: what first world sadness hath Apple wrought now?

First off, the new iPad is "one millimeter thicker, and 1.8 ounces heavier" than its $100 cheaper predecessor. You mean it needs a bigger battery to power a retina display? Are there no visionaries left at Apple anymore? This thing really is junk!

Next, one corner of the iPad gets warm when you use it, perhaps due to the above mentioned new battery. Unacceptable. What next? A product that burns your skin off? (Oh.)

And the new screen, which arguably is the only thing different about this new iPad? It's "easily the most beautiful computer display" the Verge has ever seen, but it's still annoyingly glossy and doesn't work well in sunlight. With a screen like that, how the hell are we supposed to read The Daily from our private beach in St. Barts?

The sad reality of the New iPad is this: it's the same damn thing as the iPad 2, but with a better screen. Guess we'll have to take all that extra cash we have floating around elsewhere. Perky jerky, anyone?