You know who they are. Here’s what you should get them.
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Friends Whose Spotify Choices Embarass You
Do you consider American Idol alumni a distinct genre of pop music? Then have we got the comedy album for you.
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Friends Who Beat You at Words With Friends
The 20-volume set of the Oxford English Dictionary is currently on sale on Amazon for a mere $995. Not that your friend needs the help, but accidentally drop volumes 1 through 3 on their head a couple times and they'll be opening up triple word scores and skipping turns in no time.
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Intermittently Racist Friend
Sorry, we've never noticed how [insert race group here] always [insert offensive generalization]. For this friend, how about the series collection of Chappelle's Show? They may not get the jokes, but you amuse yourself imagining them watching The Racial Draft.
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Friend Who Plays Farmville
How about some Groupon shares shares as stocking stuffers? Someone who goes on the Internet to pretend they're tending cabbage probably thinks getting in on the ground floor of a company without the cash to build its data center is a swell idea!
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Friend Who Posts Internet Memes Too Late
Go online, print out the homepage of IsItOld.com, tie a bow around it, and pop it in the mail. They'll thank you later.
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Friend Who Always Posts Awesome Vacation Photos
Every time they post a beach shack in Bali or an Icelandic hot spring, post a pic of yourself in your studio apartment huddled in that seven inch sliver between the bed and radiator.* Maybe they'll take pity and invite you along next time! *This is not a gift because these people are already gifted.
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Friends Who Are Obsessed With Their Dog
Wait wait wait, let us get this straight, you're upset because people share photos of their adorable puppies with you? Are you aware that puppies are covered in fur? Stop clicking on this slideshow. Seriously, we can't even look at you right now.
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Friends Who Always Have a Drink In Their Hand in Photos
This friend sounds like a good time! You should probably buy them a drink. Just make sure to duck when they whip out their iPhone to document the experience for posterity/employers.
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Yoga Instructor Friend
Om shanti, chick from high school whose every other status update is now in Sanskrit. Before you hate click your way through another "yoga goddess" blogpost or Gandhi quotation, why not treat yourself this Christmas and just hit Unfriend?
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Friends Who Post Food Porn
This one's a two-parter: Momofuku cookbook and Lucky Peach subcription. That way they're morally obligated to invite you over every time they try a recipe. If you have to scroll through their "I'm not sure if my Thomas Keller fried chicken came out crispy enough?!" humble-brag, you might as well get a good meal out of it.
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Friends Who Were Not Very Friendly In High School
For your favorite jock, cheerleader, or cooler-than-thou Riot Grrrl, a VHS copy of the most prophetic film of its time: 1984's Revenge of the Nerds. Zuck knows what we're talking about.
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Incredibly Fertile Breeding Friends
Does it seem like every time you look up from your keyboard, they've posted a new album of baby bump progress shots? Are they worried about populating the planet? Relax, friends. ASIA HAS THAT COVERED. In the meantime, please enjoy this twelve pack of Her Pleasure(™) condoms. You could use the break.
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Manic Pixie Dream Friend
Warby Parker glasses? Already has them. Winona Ryder Forever Sweater by Marc Jacobs. Bought three . . . in 2001. There's nothing you can get she didn't know about yesterday, so why not throw in the towel and just Follow Friday her on Twitter. "Oh, you're still doing that?" she'll say, "How cute!"
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Dude Who 'Likes' Your Photos a Little Too Much
We have three words for these gentleman: The Pirelli Calendar. A subtle way to encourage bringing their online oggling offline, in their comfort of their own home.
