ALL YOUR MEME BELONG TO US

Sorry: Texts From Bennett, Your New Favorite Blog, Is All Just a Lie (Made Up By That “Look At Me Now” Kitchen Rapper)

tumblr luqjj3f8an1qk9nrro1 500 e1322863673252 Sorry: Texts From Bennett, Your New Favorite Blog, Is All Just a Lie (Made Up By That Look At Me Now Kitchen Rapper)

Oh, Bennett: Destroyer of dreams, kinda.

Maybe you’ve heard of Texts From Bennett? It’s a Tumblr that’s blazed an incredible, viral trail through the internet over the past few days, made up of texts from some anonymous blogger’s younger cousin Bennett, described as a “17 YEAR-OLD” who “THINKS HE’S A CRIP, WORKS AT AMOCO, HAS A GIRLFRIEND NAMED MERCEDES, AND IS ONE OF THE MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY AND BRILLIANT SOULS ON THE PLANET.” They are also, as the site says, “100% REAL.”

Except, not.

The Smoking Gun reports that they’re 100% (NOT TOTALLY) REAL and CREATED BY THE 30 YEAR-OLD GUY BEHIND ONE OF THE MOST UNINTENTIONALLY UNFUNNY AND SURPRISINGLY VIRAL HITS AS OF LATE GIVEN HOW PATENTLY UNIMPRESSED BY IT WE ARE, WHICH PUTS US IN THE MINORITY BUT WHATEVER, who you may better know as “Mac Lethal” (aka David Sheldon of Kansas), he of the “Look At Me Now” kitchen rap. Recognize this?

Yup. Same guy as Texts From Bennett, whose identity was sluethed out by talking to—who else?—his dad. But there is some validity to it:

The elder Sheldon went on to note that his son has a friend who is prone to “Yogi Berraisms” and that he uses some of these malaprops for the “Bennett” blog. The friend’s name, he said, “has been chaged to protect the innocent.”

“Mac writes them,” Sheldon said, “and puts it in the form of texts.”

And of course, like any internet fraud (or quasi-fraud) who was smoked out of their hole, he is pissed at the reporter for figuring out the truth of the matter:

Sheldon declined to disclose the true name of “Bennett,” and refused to provide any information to corroborate his claim that the texts are real. Claiming that his cousin is unaware that he is publishing the texts, Sheldon said that he would do nothing to risk alerting his kin. “He can’t ever know I do this at his expense,” he said.

Sheldon criticized a TSG reporter, saying, “You try to ruin the fun for everyone.” He then added, “We’re trying to protect the storyline.”

That said, David Sheldon deserves some kind of Presidential Merit Award for Ridiculous Things People Wasted Time Looking At On The Internet In One Week. Texts From Sheldon exploded over two days; his kitchen cooking video has millions of views. The two weren’t connected until after the fact. For the record, that’s really, really impressive, even if some of it is a load of shit. Also, against all odds, they are still legitimately funny, even after the fact:

tumblr lvj2plspw91qk9nrro1 500 e1322863570726 Sorry: Texts From Bennett, Your New Favorite Blog, Is All Just a Lie (Made Up By That Look At Me Now Kitchen Rapper)

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

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Comments

  1. Alowe13 says:

    way to ruin the fun for everyone else.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I fucking knew it! 

  3. Anonymous says:

    It was a great gag. Stop being so bitter at not thinking of it yourself.

  4. whyyyyyy! says:

    i stil want him to make them up!

  5. tex says:

    Well I hope he keeps them coming. They are hilarious, real or not.

  6. Pedantic Douchebag says:

    Gosh, Foster. I can only imagine you’re a blast at parties.

  7. SupBrah says:

    Someone is being a pretentious, pompous ass in lieu of a brilliantly funny blog. It’s still hilarious, despite this obviously biased article written in poor taste.

  8. Whitehouse763 says:

    Waaaay to go fun killer, you wanna go ahead and tell my 5yr old there is no Santa Claus while your at it? Geez some people just do not know when to stop an leave crap alone. I hope he keeps the blogs
    Coming cause fake or not……effen hilarious!

  9. Chris says:

    Just imagine, when you have kids, you can SOOO call out the fact that Santa Clause ISN’T EVEN REAL.  Gonna be sweet, dude.

  10. Suck It says:

    You spelled sleuth wrong.

  11. Bahleedat says:

    I think whoever wrote this was crying as they types it out.

  12. A "Bennegtt" fan says:

    We believe in magic as children and fight to keep it alive every year we get older. This was our magic we believe in, our escape from our troubles even if it was for 2 seconds. Way to ruin this bit of magic for everyone who loves it. Although you tried to ruin it, you gave it more fuel because as we all know curiosity killed the cat and people will look and read it and realize that regardless of its supposed fakeness it’s still comical genius and great example of imagination and brilliance…

    By the way, you’re an asshole for making this article and you deserve to be shit on you sad excuse of a “journalist”. I hope an infestation of a billion fleas inhabits your armpits and you contract chlamydia (hey at least I cursed you with something curable).
    Quit ruining shot for everyone who seeks comfort in life’s simplicities and go jerk off with your tears assface dick cheese.

  13. Devin says:

    Who cares if it’s real or not? You want to go after “Texts from Last Night” too? Once again, the media ruins it for everyone. 

  14. Keaton Henson says:

    Dude, quit being such a little bitch. Mac Lethal is hilarious, stop being upset that your internet media isn’t as popular as his. Dragging his name down and accusing him of being pissed at you…hilarious considering you have only served to fuel both of his efforts, and because I’m sure he doesn’t lose a wink of sleep over your little hate mail article. I hope he tears you up in his next song.

  15. Phruizler says:

    Wow, scoop of the century! Next thing you’ll be telling us Tourette’s Guy and half of the autocorrects aren’t real, too! 

  16. cordi88_88 says:

    Im about to believe a news report that cant even use spell check on their article. Yeah right

  17. Jeff says:

    Imagine, if I hadn’t known this, I would have gone on believing that there was a real guy named Bennett who sent funny texts! Thank God you blew the whistle on this one, there was so much to lose!

  18. wow says:

    If you go on to read the rest of the smoking gun article, which was used directly in the bullshit above, you learn that the father said nothing like that. The reporter took what he said out of context and twisted it just how he wanted it, so that it would stir up the internet. What he actually did was claim that Bennett is real. It’s sad that illiterate people are still allowed to write whatever they think they understand. Check it out if you can read.

  19. Djstonee677 says:

    you are such a fucking fag bro just let people do what they wanna do you fuckin pompous ass

  20. Anonymous says:

    NOBS 4 LYF

  21. Rhwrites81 says:

    US wouldn’t know a dope MC if Biggie Smalls zombie corpse ate their brains.

  22. Big T. says:

    Mac Lethal; has been one of my favorite rappers for years, and knowing he is behind one of my favorite websites only makes it that much better!! Fuck the fun ruinning media.

  23. meth says:

    this article just makes you look like an ass. Whether or not it’s real it’s obvious that you’re just trying to ruin people’s fun. Who even cares?

  24. Youaregay says:

    Who wins the Most Time Spent Researching Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter Award?

  25. Mehhanna says:

    Investigative journalism at it’s finest, really, you contribute so much to the world. 

  26. Mehhanna says:

    Investigative journalism at it’s finest, really, you contribute so much to the world. 

  27. Cecil says:

    I don’t really care. It doesn’t really detract that much for me, Bennet is no less of a character than before, (tho now decidely fictional of course, but don’t fictional characters come to life sometimes?) and its not like I was ever going to/or ever really wanted to meet the REAL Bennet. I still enjoy the site. Hopefully he keeps them coming now that you’ve satisfied your strange desire to unmask him as someone’s “fraudulent” creation.