Op-Ed

Google Is Stupid and Evil, But Facebook Is Awesome

alex hedcut grayscale Google Is Stupid and Evil, But Facebook Is Awesome

Alex Blagg.

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA — As a leading tech professional and trusted social media strat guru, I am required to use the Internet almost constantly throughout the course of my day. But I also care deeply about the issue of privacy, and I’ve arrived at a fairly startling revelation that I feel compelled to share with you today: Google is stupid and evil, but Facebook is awesome.

Both companies are formidable juggernauts who cast long shadows over the digital landscape. And when it comes to searching for stuff and driving traffic to my SEO-enriched “content farm” crops, Google is great. But now they’re trying to play around in the “social networking” sandbox, and have launched a new product called Social Circle that is manifestly evil and threatens our privacy to its very core. So how, exactly, is Google planning to destroy our lives with this new feature?

Man, Facebook is awesome. Sometimes I’ll be poring over family vacation photos of some girl I met at camp this one time when I was fourteen, and I’ll realize that I’ve blown almost an hour just hanging out and consuming content in this fun, casual, not-at-all threatening environment. Facebook is basically the master of Social Networking—that’s why Hollywood made a movie about it called THE Social Network. They should be the only ones, because their intentions are pure and they would never do anything to hurt us.

Remember Google Buzz? Of course you don’t, because Google is stupid. I wish they would stick to just search engine stuff and stop trying to mess around with social networking, because I just don’t trust them, and besides, Facebook is the best. I would definitely “Like” it if nobody ever used Google’s social networks anymore, but if Facebook made a Google Search tool of their own so I could never have to use Google at all, but only Facebook, I would “Like” that so much that Facebook would be forced to invent a “Love” button, which they would totally do because they are the best and really do love us.

Look, I’m just an unbiased web expert whose opinion is in no way influenced by corporate interests or high-powered PR trickery. (FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m Facebook friends with Facebook Marketing Director/CEO-sister Randi Zuckerberg, and we leave hilarious comments on each others’ status updates all the time, and are both members of the popular Facebook Group “UGH GOOGLE IS SOOOOOOOOOOO CREEPY!!!” and often vacation together on Facebook-sponsored “Journalist Thank-You Cruises,” but I think that is all pretty immaterial in light of what I’m trying to tell you here.) I’m just passionate in my belief that Google is trying to build a vast network of malevolent social media tools created solely to steal all of our ideas and then enslave us, while Facebook is just “trying to make the world more connected.”

So as an advocate of privacy, and a free and open web, I beseech you trust me when I tell you: Google is stupid and evil, but Facebook is awesome. Need more evidence? Bing it.

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Alex Blagg is the president and Chief Executive Strat Master of BajillionHits.biz. See his latest video here. Please direct all inquiries and interview requests to the Burston-Marsteller firm or Randi Zuckerberg at facebook.com/randiZ



Tags: Op-Ed

Comments

  1. Nitin Alabur says:

    Sometimes I have such a tough time figuring if an article is meant to be satirical or not. This is one of those. I’d go with the satirical version of it. Here’s why I think it is a not so obvious satire http://bit.ly/lxiRvT

  2. Josh Martin says:

    Obvious troll is obvious.

  3. Dclarke197 says:

    Facebook is good they only give everything they now about you to the goverment With out telling you or giving a reason.

  4. vkelman says:

    Hey, did you you read this The daily Beast article
    http://goo.gl/1AIsZ ?Or maybe you were “approached” by Facebook the same way they approached Burson-Marsteller and Christopher Soghoian http://twitter.com/#!/csoghoian?

  5. $$$ says:

    I’ m surprised BetaBeat readers have such a struggle depicting sarcasm…that’s, totally silly.

    1. $$$ says:

      ahem. *detecting*

  6. Almog Koren says:

    Total crap, if your going to write bad things about something or someone it would be good to have some hard facts or at least some good reasons, yea your ”
    unbiased” and I’m the CEO of Facebook!

  7. Anonymous says:

     tinyurl.com/297sxrk

  8. Anonymous says:

    Props on the hedcut photo of yourself. Is there an app out there that does that?

  9. Anonymous says:

     vipshopper.us

  10. Marble Jar says:

    OK. I will stick with google for search until I hear otherwise. Thanks for the warnings.

  11. Lanny Rosicky says:

    For a selfproclaimed guru and a techie, a very poor article. Actually, down right silly. Too bad I do not have a dislike button.