As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!
As I was telling my girl Friday just this past Thursday, the Internet needs a Don Draper — a no-nonsense man’s man with a head full of Brylcreem and a belly full of Canadian Club. Most of today’s so-called “web gurus” aren’t fit to shine my shoes, much less give client presentations that radically explode paradigms on only two hours of sleep and a handful of Phenobarbital. I’m the guy who’s going to do that for you. And while I may not be able to identify all Fortune 500 brands right now, I’ve got a copy of the magazine and a can-do attitude.
It should go without saying that I excel at client-facing opportunities, particularly if those clients are buxom Jewesses with a busted moral compass. Most people don’t realize that the quickest way to increase engagement in the workplace is to hire more attractive ladies, and I’ve got a long track record of creating compelling stories about why my marital status is of no concern to you. Rest assured that I will do whoever it takes to guarantee client satisfaction. Not only that, I have had demonstrable success at entrepreneurial leaning, particularly after one of my famous three-martini lunches.
Finally, as the literal face of BuzzFeed, I will provide the smoldering charm, distracting good looks and above-average height that will cause your clients to exclaim, “I’m buying what he’s selling!” just before I propose love-making on their conference room table, and just after asking me to put out my cigarette for the third and final time.
In short, if you’re looking for someone with a dark family secret and deep-seated identity issues to take your little aggregation concern to the next level, you’ve found your man.
[Your name here]
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