Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!

ANDROID DEVELOPER AT GROUPME IN NEW YORK, NY

You overpaid for the Nexus One and loved everything about it. Android changed your life, and now you want to change the lives of others by building the best Android app on the market. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. You want to be the Android person, and you love to own projects. You’ve also shipped a few Android apps (or one really good one) and know Java like it’s nobody’s business. Come and take the GroupMe Android app by the horns and be its daddy.

___

[Today's date]

To Whom It May Concern,

I’m writing in regard to the Android Developer position at GroupMe. As a tireless consumer of all things Android, I can honestly say that I eat, sleep and breathe Android. I also defecate Android, then analyze my stool samples to make sure that the quantities of Android therein meet and exceed my exacting goals.

Additionally, per your query, I believe I am uniquely qualified to take the GroupMe Android app by the horns and be its daddy. While other applicants may claim a high level of proficiency in mobile development, I feel confident that my experience in light domination and taurine roleplay truly sets me apart from the rest of the field. As an entrepreneurial self-starter, I will hit the ground running on Day One. After dazzling the app with my Object-Oriented Programming design skills, I will take it out for tapas before repairing to a motel I like near the BQE White Castle, where your app will receive the rogering of its life.

I have expert-level knowledge of the Android SDK.

Upon rising, I will realize that the app is barely conscious, weary from lashings I doled out while explaining my best practice philosophies within an agile project management environment. We will listen to the Paris, Texas soundtrack more than seven times in a row, until I begin to think I may be going truly crazy. Crazy like a Project Lead not schooled in proper Six Sigma methodologies? Not even. More like a Polaroid stuck to the bathroom mirror showing the app being walked through a White Castle drive-thru at 3am wearing nothing but a ball gag kind of crazy.

When, by some miracle, the app and I pull our weary bodies from the bed and stare at the charred remains of what used to be our clothing, I will demonstrate my iterative SCRUM mastery by assembling two fashionable togas that we will wear on the Express Bus back to Manhattan, a trip we will pass mostly wedged into the bus’s filthy water closet. With your Android app begging me for my Google Maps API key, I will see the face of Harry Dean Stanton before I climax for the tenth and final time.

In conclusion, GroupMe, I think you’ll find that I am a dedicated, solutions-oriented developer with a passion for innovation on mobile platforms. If you’re looking for someone to truly rock your Android app's world and leave it spent, half-clothed on a bench in Port Authority with nothing but a damning Polaroid and 4-pack of sliders to its name, you’ve found the perfect candidate!

References are available upon request.

Very Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Disclosure.